18th September 2014: that independence referendum.

45% of Scottish voters said yes: I was one of them.  However, 55% of Scottish voters said no, therefore Scotland will remain in the United Kingdom. 

I was on holiday in Croatia during the week of the Scottish independence referendum, and had cast my postal vote (pictured above) in advance.  As the arguments became more heated in the run-up to voting day, I was glad to be away from it all.  What more could I say or do?  Once I had made my decision to vote yes, that was it.  There was no going back, no changing my mind.  I may be a typical indecisive Libran but once my decision is made, I will always stand by it.

Being surrounded by No voters in my working environment, coupled with the torrent of scare stories being fed to us by the mainstream media, I had an idea that No would triumph.  It was hope versus fear, and of course I understand why a lot of people just don't want to take that risk, that chance, that leap of faith into the unknown.  So, despite my own high hopes and desire for change in this country, I can understand why people would vote no.  It was their choice. 

What I wasn't prepared for was the level of disappointment which I felt on the morning of Friday 19th September.  As I woke to another bright and sunny morning in Trogir, I reached for my tablet and went online to discover the result.  In just one second it felt as if we'd been plunged into the abyss, soundtracked with the sound of a nation's bottle crashing. And my other thought: "how am I going to explain the result to that lovely Croatian girl in the hotel who couldn't understand why we would not want independence?".

Hope had been replaced with hopelessness, with only Glasgow, Dundee, North Lanarkshire and West Dunbartonshire daring to dream of a new future. 

"If we are going to be better together, then why are we not better together now?"

Someone asked this question during one of the televised debates and I thought it hit the nail on the head.  In the last days of the campaign, the leaders of the UK's three main political parties suddenly remembered that Scotland existed and they came north in a last-gasp bid to save the Union, and even went as far as to jointly sign a promise that Scotland would be given extra devolved powers in the event of a No vote.  This 'vow' appeared on the front of the Daily Record, and was supposed to convince the remaining don't-knows to vote No.

But as we all know, it wouldn't be the first time that a political promise turned to dust.  Just hours after the referendum result was confirmed, the debate was suddenly steered in a different, federalist direction, and the possibility of extra devolution was now buried beneath new arguments about powers for England, Wales, Northern Ireland....and a general feeling that we should all now move on and forget that the referendum ever happened.  I have never liked Alex Salmond or the SNP, but the referendum was bigger than that.  When Salmond conceded the result on 19th September, he did it with statesmanship and dignity, and then he later announced that he was stepping down as First Minister and SNP leader.  Nicola Sturgeon is very likely to be his successor, which will mean that the three main political parties in Scotland will all be led by women.  Whether you agree with their politics or not, that gives you an idea of Scotland's progressive potential.

Of course we need to move on: dwelling on the result can leave you looking like a sore loser filled with sour grapes, but moving on should mean building on what the referendum started - a feeling of democracy, empowerment and a desire for positive change.  People are doing it in different ways: whether joining the Scottish National Party, participating in the '45' movement, keeping the arguments alive online, but as a 'working-class Yes voter looking for a political home' I feel that the time is right for a new party to be established in Scotland, or some kind of new alliance to represent us.  I found this fantastic article by Cat Boyd which perfectly articulates my own views: http://bellacaledonia.org.uk/2014/09/23/a-scottish-podemos/  I can only hope that someone, somewhere steps up to fill that political void. 

Regardless of the result, I'm glad the referendum happened.  It provided a rare opportunity for empowerment and democracy, and it woke Scotland up.  The next big challenge is staying awake and keeping the momentum going.

Quitters never win, blah blah blah.

I've been fighting a weight-loss war for years.  Over my 7 years of blogging I've tried organised diets and doing my own thing.  I've seen highs and lows.  In 2011 I managed to get down to a size 14 and dropped to my lowest weight in nearly 20 years.  Since that time it's all gone horribly wrong, and I've been unable to sustain any kind of weight/inch loss.  The past year has brought the menopause, stress, anxiety, physical and mental health problems, increased caring responsibilities, increased work demands, and life has just overwhelmed me.  I've always been an "emotional eater" and used food as a response to stressful situations. 

In the past 6 months I have gained - wait for it - a stone and a half.  Even through periods of sticking to an organised diet, and eating healthily, there has been inexplicable and rampant weight gain.  Which, my menopausal friends tell me, is probably hormonal and stress-related.  Which has, in turn, completely messed with my mind.  Apart from the weight gain, the past six months have been mainly a time of complete doom and gloom, when at times things got so dark that it scared me.  For most of June, July and into August I literally couldn't function and most days I just wished that I didn't have to get out of bed, that I could just escape into sleep rather than face the world outside.

I have been taking Kalms for the past three weeks and the difference has been astounding.  My panic/anxiety attacks have been almost non-existent; I'm sleeping better, and the dark fog which has engulfed me in my daily life is now beginning to lift.  Living with depression is like a sentence hanging over you, you know that it's always going to come back sometime, but those times when you manage to chase it away is like the best feeling in the world.  I now have the clarity to make plans and major decisions about my life (more news to follow, hopefully soon) and in the immediate future I've decided to quit dieting and go back in time to when I didn't have such an oppressive, guilt-ridden relationship with food, when I didn't have so many hang-ups about points/calories, and just focus on the only thing which really works: exercise and sensible eating.  No more weekly weigh-ins, no more slavery to the scales! 

They say quitters never win, but quitting dieting is a good thing for me right now.  I've decided to draw a line under the last six months, and choose to enter the post-holiday/pre-Christmas period - always a difficult one for me - with a new, healthier attitude to life.

In the meantime though, there's the small matter of that forthcoming holiday.  Over the coming week I've scheduled a rigorous exercise regime which (a) will help me to cope with what is potentially one of the most stressful working weeks in a long time, and (b) will boost my fitness for the Croatian adventure.