If it looks like a bag....

You know the saying - if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it is inevitably a duck.

Today I discovered that my trusty indestructible hessian Asda Tickled Pink bag is not all it seems.  It is a good size, with two handles for carrying, and so it is perfect for carrying home a couple of after-work purchases from Poundland.

Shopping in Poundland was always fraught with peril, unless you went in between 8.00-8.30 am when it could be guaranteed to be a bit quieter.  If there are three tills in the shop, you are guaranteed that only one of these would ever be staffed. Queues and pound shops go together like me and cheese and onion crisps.

So when Poundland recently introduced self-checkouts, I was filled with a sense of impending doom. No longer would any till be staffed, and only one staff member would be around to enter their codes as and when required.  Which turns out to be frequently.

Self-checkouts can be a good idea if you have just a couple of purchases and want to just scan and go, rather than stand in a long queue.  Many stores offer both options, but for Poundland to only offer the self-checkout option is a bad idea.  Not everyone can cope with these temperamental pieces of technology.  Even those experienced in the ways of the self-checkout, like myself, it can be a very tiresome and time-consuming experience.

Anyway back to my trip tonight.  Before I could even scan my first item, a message appears on the screen - carried over from the previous shopper - and the assistant has to enter her code.  On we go. Oh wait - it's another message.  Bag not recognised in bagging area.  Even though I declared at the beginning of my transaction that I had my own bag, it's not recognised.  That item in the bagging area is none other than the aforementioned trusty indestructible hessian Asda Tickled Pink bag.  It's a bag. Everything about it screams 'bag', the sheer bag-liciousness of it, but not it seems in Poundland. Please wait for an assistant....

"It's a bag" I say.  I try to inject some weary humour: "It was a bag the last time I looked".

On with the transaction.  Two items scanned, and I'm ready to pay.

Error message on screen.  "Weight of items not recognised".

F***!

Please wait for an assistant......!

Finally, after what feels like half an hour, the machine accepts my cash and the transaction is over.

I don't think I'll be visiting Poundland as much as I used to.....

Hair today, gone...today

In October 2015 I decided to ditch my usual long hair for a drastic change (which I wrote about in this post - http://europecrazysrandomramblings.blogspot.co.uk/2015/10/the-long-and-short-of-it.html)

Whilst everyone was complimentary about my new 'do, I didn't share their enthusiasm.  I knew what I wanted, but I ended up with a hairdo which just made me feel like an old woman.  Now I know I'm getting older, but I still like to think that I look younger than my years.  So I wanted a short haircut which is also more modern and edgy than the "old woman's bob" which many hairdressers seem to think you want if you are a woman of a certain age.

Needless to say, I grew my hair out, and once again I'd reached the stage where it's halfway to my waist.  But I can't even wear it down and have to wear it up instead, such is the problem with a soaking head of hair which is something I've suffered for almost 4 years since starting the change.

Therefore I decided to take the plunge once again.  This time I covered all bases and printed off some pictures from the internet of the precise hairdo I want. My hairdresser was very happy with this as she knew what she needed to do.

The end result was nearer what I was looking for, more layered and messy than the more sleek effort of last time.  It will also be more versatile to style and who knows what might happen if I just leave it in its natural wavy state...!

Anyway I'm pretty happy with it just now. We will see how long that lasts eh!!

Two years

Today is the second anniversary of my mum's death.  It's hard to take it all in - two whole years without her, and not a single day has passed without feeling the pain of her loss.

I always remember when it was my gran or papa's anniversary of their death, in February and April respectively. Every year my mum would mention it, but that would always be followed by a comment that "it's just a date, it's not any more important because you miss them equally every day".  And so I thought of that today.  My mum was not one for anniversaries, and birthdays weren't really for celebrating either.  So she will probably be looking down on me today, shaking her head and uttering a few choice words.

I didn't know how I would feel, two years on.  On the one hand, I've surprised myself at how well I've coped over that time - that seems to be everyone else's perception of me too.  You hear all this "time heals" stuff and that it "will get better".  Well, that's only partly correct.  In my own experience, grief has no expiry date. You adjust, rather than heal.  Over recent months I have experienced the most frightening episodes of deep grief imaginable. Some of it has been worse than the immediate sadness which I experienced after losing her.  But it could have been so much worse.  I don't know where I would have been without the man you all know as faithful travelling companion.  He really has saved my life and my love for him is endless.

For the last two years, grief has been part of my life.  It is not something that can be switched off, or thrown out.  But it's something I have learned to live with.  So today I am not really doing anything special.  Just remembering my mum with love.  As I do every day.

The summer of aches and pains

After two quite frankly terrible summers in 2015 and 2016 I had hoped that this one might just be a bit better.  Don't get me wrong, there have been highlights: two holidays in near quick succession in May (cruise) and June (Italy) definitely lifted our spirits. 

However, since the beginning of May I have had a throat infection and leftovers which just wouldn't go away; then more recently there was an accident which I don't want to go into detail about but suffice to say there have been some nasty injuries which it will take some time to recover from.  Then in two other unrelated incidents I have sustained back and shoulder injuries, the latter being a repeat of the one I had just over a year ago which forced me to quit the gym.  

As I am unable to exercise, my physical health has gone into yet another downward spiral. Feeling exhausted and just living for sleep right now.  Although even that's a struggle as I am still in so much pain.

I had managed to lose a bit of weight after the cruise but due to everything that's happened since, and of course going on another holiday and enjoying all that lovely food, meant that it's all piled back on. Oh well, never mind.  The main priority right now is overcoming all these aches and pains and once that happens, I can focus on getting fit again and losing a bit of weight.  Dieting is still off the agenda!  

In spite of how I've been feeling lately, my mood is pretty good, although the past week has been rather stressful.  My thinking has shifted from anxiety about what I can't do (e.g. my house once had a back garden, now it is a jungle), to just taking care of myself and exercising the maximum self-compassion.  Which is all you need,  Particularly on a day like today, as I'll explain in the next post. 

Farewell to Freeserve/Wanadoo/Orange email

I thought I'd take the opportunity to mention this as we are just days away from the end of an era.

In 1998, I finally took my first steps on the information superhighway, as it was popularly known at that time.  I wasn't really interested in the internet to start with, but eventually my curiosity got the better of me.  My first internet experiences were at my local library in 1998, although it would be fair to say that the staff were not prepared for this new technological revolution!  Then I reached a stage where I had enough money to buy my own computer.  In those days, Freeserve was bringing internet access to the masses - for free, all you needed was to pay your phone company's dial-up costs - so I signed up with them, and got my original email address, which has (free)served me well since 1998. I'm proud to be "old school" :)))

Freeserve, which subsequently became Wanadoo, which subsequently became Orange and finally EE.
But one thing remained the same: my "Freeserve" email address.  Along the way, I also got myself a couple of Googlemail (Gmail) addresses after I started blogging, but that Freeserve email address was my main contact.  Considering how fast things move in the world of technology it should be very surprising that something should stay the same for so long.  But finally, a couple of months ago, I received notification that all those Freeserve/Wanadoo/Orange email accounts are finally closing down at the end of this month.  In the meantime, I've set up yet another Gmail address which will replace that much-loved Freeserve address.  It's been a lot of work and a long process having to notify all the companies I deal with, about my new email address - it certainly brings into focus just how much we use our email on a day to day basis.

If you are reading this and still have one of those email addresses, you only have a few days left to change it over; unless you have a forwarding arrangement to another email address, you will also lose all Freeserve/Wanadoo/Orange emails as well.

At the beginning of yet another weight loss journey (groan!)

So since my last post I have been on holiday, which I will eventually write about over at EuropeCrazy, although I'm struggling to find the blogging mojo at the moment, so it might be a while yet.  We have also had unusually high temperatures over the past few days which have turned even the simplest of tasks into a struggle.

Over the past two years I have gained three stones in weight, because I have struggled to deal with the loss of my mum, the general stresses of day-to-day life, and another major factor being that bloody menopause - which I didn't expect to have such a debilitating impact on my life - and which brought anxiety and panic attacks into the equation.

Anyway, back to my holiday.  I had to buy clothes in the biggest size I've ever been.  I now struggle to walk anywhere and need to wear knee supports all the time (thank you maxi dresses and wide-leg trousers for allowing me to do this!).  Right now I feel about 10 years older than my real age.

Putting all this down on a blog post just brings me to the conclusion:  I can't go on like this any more,

Of course I've been here a million times before with the dieting, and the way that has a negative impact on my mental health etc.  But do I want to carry on like this?  I think we know the answer.

I had decided to give myself a little bit of breathing space after the holiday to decide which way I'm going to do this.  I'm not rejoining a club, I'm not rejoining the gym, but I now need to focus on the longer game, with no silly targets or timescales, not putting pressure on myself and just build in more exercise and healthy eating, and not get too bothered about the numbers.  I had quit Slimming World (again) but please don't take that as any bad reflection on Slimming World as it's a great programme and it works very well if you stick to it.  I have all the Slimming World recipe books/syns directory etc so can do it on my own now anyway.

I did weigh myself today though: the good news is that I'm actually 6lbs lighter than I was at the time I wrote http://europecrazysrandomramblings.blogspot.co.uk/2017/04/im-lost-cause-basically.html which was a pleasant surprise since I hadn't weighed myself since that time, nor had I really been watching my weight.

So there will be no more weigh-ins until Friday 30th June.  In the meantime I'll just get on with the healthy eating etc and I'll let you know at the end of June how it's going.  All together now, "things can only get better". :)

On your bike: thoughts on unfulfilled driving ambitions

As I begin to overcome this depressive slump which I've been going through, there are a lot of things on my mind.  With a massive weight gain in a very short period, I've become very aware of the need to sort things out and finally turn my life around before it's too late.  My own physical fitness is not what it once was: I'm not getting any younger, and the recent self-inflicted self-destruction hasn't helped.  

Call it a midlife crisis, or whether it's the mythical "bucket list" or something else, I have this notion that there are still some outstanding things which I haven't been able to achieve, and I really need to address them.  Recently, I have been obsessing over one outstanding thing. 

I never learned how to ride a bike, and now I want to do this. 

Yes, that's right.  That person who has been a fan of professional cycling for the best part of 30 years, doesn't know how to ride a bike.  Rewind to my childhood when I had a very cool, turquoise-coloured three-wheeler bike (can't remember if it was a Raleigh or Triang?) but there would come a time when I outgrew that bike and it was time to upgrade to two wheels.  Perhaps my mum and gran had an awareness of my tendency to be very accident-prone, but when that time came, the decision was made that Laura would not be upgrading to two wheels, because "it's too dangerous".  Yes, even back in the 1970s equivalent of EuropeCrazy HQ, the cult of health and safety was alive and well.  So my cycling life was not to be, and that's how it went.  

As my life progressed, I had no urge to discover life on two wheels.  As the 80s and 90s came around, I began to follow professional cycling, initially on Channel 4 and later on ITV and Eurosport.  But even in those days, I still had no urge to hit the road on a bike.  That was for other people.  In the meantime I thought that I should learn to drive.  

I had grown up in a family without a car, who had relied on public transport and taxis for getting around.  By the 1990s I finally had the opportunity to change my life and take driving lessons, pass my test, get a car and join the ranks of the driving community.  As it would turn out, my hesitant and cautious nature made it difficult when learning to drive - my lovely and patient driving instructor, bless him, would reassure me "you can go up to 30 mph you know!".

It took a lot of driving lessons to boost my confidence and make me driving-ready.  I didn't enjoy learning to drive, but was of the view that once I learned, it would be easier.  I put in a lot of work and by the time of my test, in January 1994, I was ready to be a driver.  Amazingly, I passed my driving test first time round - but due to my limited finances, I couldn't afford a car until 6 months later when I bought a car off my friend and neighbour in June 1994.  Finally I was a driver, and was extremely proud when I drove my car to work and parked it in our office car park.  All was well for two months, until one evening in August 1994 when an attempt was made to steal my car - and when the thief was unable to do so, they then proceeded to vandalise my car to an extent that it would take approximately 8 weeks to repair it - by which time I would have completely lost interest in driving. 

So I haven't driven a car since that time.  But I often wonder if I should have learned to ride a bike?

Fast-forward 23 years. A lot has changed. I have become aware of the existence of folding bikes, which would resolve the issue of residing in an upstairs flat with limited space.  Suddenly I am faced with the possibility that I could learn to ride a bike, even at *this* age, with this underwhelming level of fitness.  It's an unfilfilled ambition but it's finally in reach. On the one hand, I'm filled with trepidation and worry about injury as someone who struggles with knee problems for example - on the other hand, I'm excited about the possibility of trying something new.  I might even succeed. Usually I have a 12-15 minute walk to work - the idea that I could cycle there instead is spurring me on.  It's an exciting challenge and one which inspires me.  I just need to increase my fitness levels to the point where I am able to finally get on two wheels.  Over this summer I will think long and hard about beginning my new life as a cyclist.  More to follow....

In praise of: Steven Brown Art

The image of the famous Highland cow is known worldwide as a symbol of Scotland and Scottish tourism - it pops up everywhere from postcards to other souvenirs and of course soft toys. In case you're unfamiliar with what it looks like, here's a picture of a Highland cow:

By the way, although I've never seen one in its natural habitat, I have seen them at the Royal Highland Show (the famous Scottish agricultural show which takes place at Ingliston near Edinburgh) and they are mighty fine specimens!

Anyway, what do you get if you combine Highland cows with the colourful imagination of Ayrshire artist Steven Brown?  Answer: the McCoos! ("Coo" is a Scottish word for a cow, in case you didn't know)l. 

In recent months the colourful art of Steven Brown has crept into our consciousness here in Scotland, and there is now even an advert on Scottish TV.  Everyone who knows me knows how much I love everything cow-related so it was inevitable that I would invest in some purchases from the Steven Brown Art shop in Newmarket Street in Ayr when I visited last week.  Yesterday I bought a couple of frames for my prints so they can finally go up on the living room wall at EuropeCrazy HQ.  Meet Lizzie McCoo and Arran and Isla McCoo (love the way that every one of Mr Brown's creations has its own name!)

At this point I must throw in a disclaimer here: OTHER ANIMALS ARE AVAILABLE.  So if you're not really a fan of all things bovine, there is something for everyone at Steven Brown Art, from lions to penguins, chimps to deer, dogs and even celebrity icons like Marilyn Monroe and Amy Winehouse.

Steven brings a lot of colour into our lives in very dark times, so his colourful art deserves to be celebrated and I hope it reaches a much wider audience.  Check out https://www.stevenbrownart.co.uk/ for his considerable body of work to date. 

Here's a little video from YouTube as well, where Steven describes his work and how his business has grown over the past year.  

I'm a lost cause, basically.

Remember that 7lbs which I was so proud of losing over February and March?  It's back, and has brought some extra flabby friends with it.  I feel so angry with myself for falling into this slump yet again, trapping myself in this cycle of more weight gain which makes me more miserable, and so it goes on.

I think it was Kate Moss who made that stupid pathetic comment a few years ago, "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"...well, during those weeks I was losing weight, nothing tasted as good as stepping on that scale over those weeks to discover that the weight was going down, and it was starting to show. It was the best kind of natural high, yet fast forward a few weeks and I am now back to the beginning, crying with frustration that 95% of the clothes in my wardrobe don't fit. (All very 'first world problems' I know, but my mental health and weight have been linked for so long that when one of them goes wrong, the other follows).

The same thing has happened as previously - I started a "diet", I did well for a few weeks then it all fell apart as I began to feel bitter about weighing myself every week and having to account for every single thing I ate, and the lead-up to the weigh-ins again began to fill me with dread.  I don't feel in control any more - "the dieting" becomes controlling and restrictive, controls me, messes with my mind and I stop enjoying life. But then those numbers begin to increase, the weight and inches pile back on and all the time I'm trying to follow this diet, and all the time it's getting me down, I go into this slump, turn to comfort/binge eating, and the cycle perpetuates.

I've been dieting, and failing at dieting, for more years than I can remember.  That happens to a lot of people.  If diets worked, then the diet companies would go bankrupt.  But in my own experience, they only work for a little while and then life gets in the way.  So where do I go from here?  I need a new approach, a lot of commitment and above all, the need to rediscover moderation - and I need to escape from the toxic obsession with the scales.  Here we go again .....!!

Weight gain, prolonged grief and thoughts on Mother's Day

Since my good news from a couple of weeks ago of a half-stone weight loss, unfortunately I have been unable to sustain my good work.  There is one good, happy reason why (which I will eventually write about over at EuropeCrazy) but unfortunately my mood has also plummeted over the past week which has resulted in a couple of episodes of binge-eating - and that has been a significant contribution to a weight gain of 3lbs.  Yes, I gained 3lbs, in one week.   Not good news, which caused my mood to plummet further and I now feel trapped in this spiral of weight gain/negative reaction/further weight gain.  Of course there is "always tomorrow", a fresh start and back on the weight-loss wagon.  

It is difficult however when I feel this way.  On the one hand, I feel more in control and in some areas of my life, my confidence seems to be growing, yet I still struggle with crippling anxiety even in the happiest of situations. 

Right now I just feel so lost, and as time goes on I seem to be missing my mum more and more than ever, and it's not getting any better.  I am trying to fight off the possibility of sinking back into yet another depression episode.  I am alive and have so much to be thankful for.  British Summer Time officially started today, which means that we are guaranteed 6 months of more daylight and if we're lucky, a bit of decent weather along with it. 

But I cry a lot these days, especially on Thursdays.  

Thursday nights were always our special night, a kind of unofficial start to the weekend when we would put our feet up, forget the housework, eat cake and watch TV.  My mum passed away on a Thursday, and maybe that is in the back of my mind.  If something bad is going to happen, it will happen on a Thursday.   That recent household emergency - it happened on a Thursday of course.  Or those two buses I waited for, which never arrived and meant that I had over a half-hour wait for transport on a very cold/wet night from the supermarket - why of course, that will happen on a Thursday.   

Today is Mother's Day, although that is not the reason for triggering this post as my mum (and my gran before her) couldn't stand this annual commemoration - they would both say that "every day should be Mother's Day".  That is so true.  So if you are reading this, please treasure every moment spent with your mother.  Yes, there will be times when they will frustrate you, when they will be overbearing and dominant, when they will still treat you like a child even when you are well into adulthood.  But there will come a time when they will no longer be there.  And that will hurt like no other pain that you can imagine.  

Baby, baby.....

For a non-parent, I am still fascinated by the annual list of most popular baby names.  So needless to say that I was very interested to read the latest list of the most popular first names for babies in Scotland over the past year.  (Full info at https://www.nrscotland.gov.uk/statistics-and-data/statistics/statistics-by-theme/vital-events/names/babies-first-names/babies-first-names-2016/list-of-detailed-tables)

There are no drastic changes:

Top 25 Boys

1 .Jack   2.James   3 Oliver   4. Lewis   5. Logan   6. Harry 7. Noah 8. Leo   9. Charlie 10. Alexander 11. Jacob/ Lucas 13. Harris  14. Mason  15.Alfie/Finlay  17. Ethan   18. Daniel  19.Aaron    20. Max 21 Archie   22. Thomas   23. Matthew   24. Adam   25. Rory 

Top 25 Girls

1.  Olivia   2. Emily   3. Sophie   4. Isla   5. Ava   6. Amelia   7. Jessica   8. Ella   9. Lucy   10. Charlotte 11.Aria   12. Ellie/Lily 14. Freya   15. Grace   16. Sophia   17. Chloe   18. Evie  19. Emma/ Millie   21. Eilidh   22. Mia   23. Anna   24. Eva   25. Hannah

And just like every other recent year, Laura is nowhere to be seen ....! :(

Thoughts from my day off

I have been off work today, as per my current working pattern where I work the same hours per fortnight, only over 9 longer days which therefore entitles me to a day off every fortnight.  It is a most wonderful thing, I have to say, and here's hoping that it becomes a more permanent arrangement, all being well.  I have now been doing this for 4 months and at times I have felt that my day off's been all work and no play, so I made sure that today would be a more leisurely one, where I stayed at home, took it easy, chilled out, listened to music, and put some research into future holiday destinations.  So it's been a big success!

May usually means spring holiday time, which means that exciting things are imminent....of course I will be writing about our spring holiday over at EuropeCrazy.  Although there was initially a plan for our spring holiday, alternatives are also being considered therefore at this point I really can't say where we are going, because I genuinely don't know... It could be somewhere old, or somewhere new, or the combination of an old country with a new destination.  It could be anywhere.....more to follow!

Over the past 24 hours I've been coming to terms with the possibility of another Scottish independence referendum, as proposed yesterday by Scotland's First Minister Nicola Sturgeon. I have already heard many negative thoughts about it, but in my own view I think it's worth another try.  The outcome of the 'Brexit' referendum revealed very distinctive differences across the UK and I think that many of us in this part of the world do not relate to the rather negative views which emerged from much of that referendum campaign.  Before you ask, I am not a 'Scottish Nationalist' but in the last referendum I clearly examined every argument in detail and formed my own opinion, going from a definite no to yes, for the reason that I felt that we could build a very different, progressive, compassionate and inclusive nation.   However I also respect and acknowledge the views of those who chose to remain in the UK; for there were many unresolved questions/issues which will no doubt raise their ugly head again in the referendum campaign and will still need answered.  My own view, however, has not changed; I will vote yes again, because I think it's time for self-determination.  I know many other people who voted 'no' in 2014 but who would definitely vote 'yes' this time round....but I know many, many others who are much more determined to vote 'no' so it's going to be a bumpy road ahead....

Seven!!!!

Having a little Len Goodman moment here (!) but there is a very good reason for it....I weighed-in today (instead of my usual Friday) to discover the very pleasant news that I lost another 1lb this past week which means that I have lost half a stone in total since rejoining Slimming World Online at the beginning of February 2017.  It's worth noting that the weight loss has been through dieting alone, as I haven't been able to exercise due to the combination of knee pain and a very busy schedule.  In the past I have struggled to achieve any significant weight loss without exercise, so this is a major achievement for me and I am very happy with it.  

The plan has been hard work as over the past weeks, I've spent more time in the kitchen preparing lunches and dinners rather than going for the easy option: however when you see results on the scale it's all worth it.  

To make the plan more achievable I have split it into 'mini-goals'.  As I have achieved the first one, I'm going to give myself a little break and take a couple of weeks off, then "part 2" will start, in which I will try to lose yet another 7lbs.  That is going to be a big challenge, but I'm planning the reintroduction of exercise in order to speed the weight loss along.

In the meantime, I went for a very enjoyable ("non-diet"!) lunch with my friend today, which was lovely :)

Staying the same, and shopping till I drop

Not much to report on this week's Slimming World update.  I decided to take a week out of counting and tracking for a couple of reasons, I've been feeling a bit stressed and low lately, so I thought I'd take a little break from the dieting over the past week.

On Friday when I did my weigh-in, I expected to have gained weight but in fact I had stayed the same this week.  Very happy about this as I did have a few treats including a delicious Indian meal at the weekend with faithful travelling companion, my yummy home-made macaroni cheese and 'real' chips on my day off on Tuesday, and also a lunchtime trip to the local chippy for fritters on Thursday!!

However it is time to get back on the plan from today onwards, I have a couple of mini-goals I'd like to reach in over the next couple of months and the way things are going, these would seem to be achievable.

In other news, it had been a long, long time since I had a 'retail therapy day'.  Clothes shopping used to be fun, but as the weight piled on, stone by stone, it became a depressing chore.  Having lost 6lbs in recent weeks though, I decided to have a clothes shopping day yesterday.  It turned out to be a very pleasant experience and I bought some nice new clothes for the first time in ages, including this nice blouse from Peacocks.

All in all, a very good day, and more motivation to keep on going with the weight loss plan.

Still no news to report on our spring holiday: despite having a definite plan in place, there are still a number of uncertainties around and it may well be that we go for something different after all. Which gives me the perfect excuse for more holiday research!

...and four is the magic number!

After last week's low mood and weight gain blip, this past week saw an improvement in my mood, renewed enthusiasm for dieting, and a shocking/surprising result in my Friday weigh-in.

I lost 4lbs this week!  Now I am very happy about that but yes, shocked and surprised as I don't usually achieve that kind of result from dieting alone.  However, exercise isn't happening just now thanks to my very dodgy knees :)  I have lost a total of 6lbs in 3 weeks and I'm delighted with this.  

Anyway that was the good news, but the last few days haven't been too great either as I had a bit of an emergency at home which kind of ruined Thursday and Friday.  It's sorted now, but has caused an unexpected upheaval and I've been feeling a bit stressed as a result.  Therefore, I decided to take it very easy this weekend and get some much-needed chillout time.  I also took a couple of days off the diet, (but crucially there has been no binge-eating) so I'll have to work a bit harder this week, starting tomorrow!

Sad in the middle of happy

Hello again.  It's been quite a strange couple of weeks all in all.  After gaining a ridiculous amount of weight within a very short period, I decided to take the big step and rejoin Slimming World Online.  I managed to find the motivation to really put in the effort in my first week, which was rewarded with a 3lb loss.  Week 2 was more of a challenge, thanks to a mix of happy events (which meant eating out) but also a dip in my mood, out of the blue and for no reason, which has impacted on my good work. And in a demoralising end to week 2, I gained 1lb.

Apart from my holiday months of May and September, the period between late January and mid-May is probably my favourite time of the year.  National finals/Eurovision season is in full swing and there is that extra "buzz".  Unfortunately though I have recently hit a slump and last week I just felt so sad, and I can't explain why.  It's not work or my personal life, both of which are very happy and settled. Is "the dieting" maybe messing with my mind again, as it did before (in different times)? But there is also the tiredness/fatigue which I experience from time to time, and my poor fitness levels.

Still, it's a marathon, not a sprint.  However it would be nice to lose a few pounds and reacquaint myself with the 95% of the clothing in my wardrobe which has been out of bounds for the last couple of years whilst my weight seemed to soar.

My mood has lifted over the past couple of days though, and it's onwards into week 3 towards Friday's weigh-in.  I have meal-planned for the week and written it all in my book so here's hoping that I'll be losing instead of gaining by the time Friday comes around.

7 months in the life of a world gone mad

My blogs are a place for me to write about lightweight and inconsequential stuff.  With very few exceptions over the years I have chosen to steer clear of political issues as there are many people out there who can articulate it much better than I can.

However, it would be wrong for me to completely ignore what is going on in the world right now. Almost two weeks ago, Donald Trump was sworn in as president of the USA after winning the US presidential election in November.  A few years ago, no-one could have envisaged such a ridiculous outcome.  He would just have been laughed off as a joke candidate.

Not any more.  Trump's successful election campaign tapped into the populist politics which have grown out of disaffection with traditional mainstream politics in recent years.  Although it is now 2017, it's beginning to feel more like 1933, as shown by this photograph of a sign in the US Holocaust Museum.

As for our own country, rewind just over 7 months to the UK EU referendum.  Although the theme of the referendum was whether the UK should remain in the EU or not, the debate was swiftly redirected to the main theme of immigration, and who could forget the blatant lies embodied by the famous "Brexit Bus"...

The Leave campaign suggested that the money we spend on the EU could be spent on the National Health Service - this claim was quickly denied/brushed under the carpet after the referendum.

Those on the side of Brexit claim that the referendum result reflected the will of the people.  The result was 52% to 48%: which suggests that it only reflected the will of the 52% of the 72% of the British electorate who actually bothered to vote, rather than a complete 52% of the British population.
Here in Scotland of course, the situation was complicated further.

As can be seen from the map, the majority of those who turned out to vote on 23rd June in Scotland chose to remain in the EU.  So it is understandable that the First Minister of our country, Nicola Sturgeon, has fought hard and explored every possible avenue for Scotland's voice to be heard in the Brexit debate.  In the aftermath of the EU referendum, Ms Sturgeon has proved her worth as an impressive stateswoman and spokesperson for the majority who voted to remain in the EU - regardless of whether or not you are not a supporter of her party.

Which brings me to the EU referendum and the possibility of another Scottish independence referendum.  I know a lot of people who support Brexit, but from my own experience, I also know people who would have been reluctant to vote for Scottish independence back in 2014 as this would mean leaving the UK and therefore leaving the EU. With Brexit, however, there is another dimension. Scotland is being taken out of the EU against, to use that phrase to reflect a majority vote - "the will of the people".  So where to now?  Well, polls suggest that there is no appetite for another Scottish referendum at this time.  But then again, who can trust opinion polls any more?

The events of the past year have clearly demonstrated the differences between Scotland and the UK's position on not just Brexit, but also the events which have transpired since that time.

Theresa May, (unelected) prime minister of the UK, went from Remain supporter during the referendum campaign to Brexit-Means-Brexit convert as soon as she landed the UK's top job. People are entitled to change their views, but her rush to a "hard Brexit" suggests desperation, to keep in with the 'take back control' brigade with the loudest voices and most forceful opinions.

As if that was not bad enough, this happened.

So, having ditched your Euro mates who weren't really your mates anyway, you headed over to the USA to meet up with your new BFF in the top job.  All the "special relationship" garbage was spouted.  But then your BFF suddenly signed some executive orders which completely turned the world upside down.  Suddenly, citizens of the USA wouldn't be allowed in any more if they were born in a certain country on a list.  There would be detentions at airports.  Families would be separated.  As the news unfolded, we couldn't believe what we were hearing.  Yet Trump's order sparked a number of worldwide protests which have reminded us that there are still good people in the world, willing to protest and fight for decency, empathy and kindness - values of humanity which must endure.  In the increasingly bizarre arena of social media, anyone advocating these views are shot down by the new fascists - or the "alt-right" which they call themselves - as a "snowflake": someone who is easily offended by their views.

Well, I'll tell you something - I'm offended by fascism.  So I'd rather be a snowflake than a fascist. And a million snowflakes can make one hell of a snowstorm.

One of Trump's election promises was to build a wall along the border with Mexico. Almost 30 years ago, US president Ronald Reagan went to West Berlin and gave a famous speech at the Brandenburg Gate where he famously said "Mr Gorbachev, tear down this wall".  Yet all these years later, another Republican president is advocating walls to be built, rather than torn down.

And we all ask....how did the world come to this?  Fascism is on the rise, although no-one wants to call it that.  And the PM won't criticise her new BFF's policy, which also makes her complicit in the rise of fascism.  #notinmyname

Back in the surreal world of Brexit, it fell to veteran Tory MP Kenneth Clarke to deliver a speech criticising his party's turnaround on the EU: "I am merely propounding the official policy of the Conservative party for 50 years until 23 June 2016.  I admire my colleagues who can suddenly become enthusiastic Brexiteers, having seen the light on the road to Damascus on the day that the vote was cast. I’m afraid that light has been denied me.”  It's a sign of how miserable UK politics has become when it falls to an old-school Tory to tell it like it is.  Labour meanwhile has shown itself to be meekly complicit with the referendum result and Article 50, trying to hold on to the votes of those who want to leave the EU.  As I said on here after the Scottish referendum in 2014, maybe it's time for new politics.  The politics of protest and standing up for decency and humanity, to fight racism, fascism and hatred.

The response to Trump's "Muslim Ban" has been encouraging and reassured us that there is still hope in times of darkness.  But it's still early days and there is a long fight ahead....

This past week...

...I lost 3lbs.

...I had a new cooker delivered and installed.

...the decluttering continued.

All in all, a pretty decent start to 2017, and we're halfway through January already.  The nights are getting lighter, slowly but surely, and I am enjoying some extra leave days from work this month as well.

Now all I need to do is finally publish those outstanding posts over at EuropeCrazy.  Over the next few days, I promise :)

2017: the blank pages

I always get quite excited at the start of a new year: it's a new series of blank pages to be written on. And after all...surely nothing can be worse than 2016?  But then the realistic part of me takes over. The world is still the same place.  Trump is still going to be president of the USA.  Brexit is still going to happen.  In much of Europe, and indeed in our own country, the UK, fascism - give it all the new names you like, but it's still fascism - presents a genuine threat. Terrorism is now a fact of life in all parts of the continent and beyond.  The world is basically f****d and there is little to be positive about.  In 2016, a great number of famous people also passed away; many of them were "too young to die" and it particularly made you think about your own mortality.

2016 was a horrible year in so many ways and on a personal note it was topped by an unexpected and heartbreaking close family bereavement, during a time when I was still struggling to cope with the loss of my mum.  In 2016 I sunk into a very deep depression which resulted in a binge eating disorder.

However....

Life goes on.

A few days ago, at the end of that dreadful year, I made a promise to myself that I should now focus on the positive aspects of life and count my blessings.  Life is too short, and so I am going into a new year with these positive thoughts.

MY REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL....

• I am still alive.
• I continue to have a wonderful relationship with the man who is the love of my life.
• I am reasonably healthy (obesity excepted, although I'm planning to tackle that...!).
• I have a good job which I still enjoy doing after all these years and being in employment enables me to travel and visit places which I would otherwise not get the chance to see. 
• I have a nice home which remains a 'work in progress' but which I will continue to improve as the year progresses.
• I have this wonderful blogging hobby and my occasional presence on Twitter which has enabled me to get to know so many lovely people. 

In an increasingly dark world, happiness is a rare quantity and should be treasured.  I hope that you all find some kind of happiness over the year ahead and that you make the most of your life, your health and your loved ones.  So I would like to wish the readers of this and my other blogs a very happy and healthy new year filled with love, happiness and good times :)

Oh, and the diet starts tomorrow....!

It's beginning to look a lot like chaos

This past week hasn't been the best.  Firstly, my boiler broke down at the start of the week.  As if that wasn't bad enough, my insomnia made a comeback and my sleep routine was seriously disrupted.  So then I sat down to write my Christmas cards for posting, only to discover that my address book has been misplaced, and still not found, causing a great deal of stress. Although I'm beginning to wonder if a lot of people have lost my address as well, as there has been a very minimal amount of cards dropping through the letterbox...!

Then yesterday, right on cue, I took my annual festive season cold which usually makes an appearance every year, either before/during/after Christmas.  My throat is on fire and I'm feeling decidedly under par today.  Bad timing, as there is still so much to do.  I still need to find that address book, and I want to start wrapping presents before the end of the day.

Last week wasn't all bad though.  I went to the office Christmas lunch for the first time in about 3 or 4 years and ended up not only enjoying it very much, but also staying on for a little while afterwards for a nice relaxing chat afterwards with a smaller group of friends/colleagues.

When you don't go to anything, people often misinterpret this as being "anti-social".  It is hard to explain social anxiety and introversion to people who don't understand it.  For some people, party nights are the highlight of the year.  For me, they are a danger zone of noise, anxiety, fear and over-stimulation, and that's why I avoid them.  My ideal social environment is spending time with a small group in a more relaxed situation where you can hear yourself talk and think.

When faced with living on my own, I never thought I would enjoy sitting in silence.  I thought I'd always have to fill they days and nights with background noise, to fill the void of mum not being there.  What I didn't imagine was that I would end up treasuring peace and quiet.  Particularly at this time of year, when the stresses of day-to-day life seem to soar.  Talking of which, I'm off to search for that address book...

Time to give 'cold shoulder'....the cold shoulder

As I said before on this blog, probably a few years ago now, I'm no fan of following current fashion trends and prefer to buy more timeless items of clothing which will not just see me through this year, but the next, and the next, and...ok you get the idea.

What I do object to though is retailers' obsession with pushing a trend at us long after it's past its sell-by date.  The other day, I went into a local clothes shop and was confronted with rows and rows of everything from party tops and dresses to polo-neck jumpers.  All very appropriately seasonal, you might think, but look again.  With no exception, each and every one of these had great big holes cut out of the shoulders.  Even the jumpers.  Really!  Jumpers with holes in the shoulders.  At this time of year.  I completely despair.

The exclusive piece of art at the top of this post is my Microsoft Paint reconstruction of the abomination known as the "cold shoulder".

Yes folks, the cold shoulder trend, which along with the off-the-shoulder "Bardot tops" is arguably the worst fashion trend forced on us since the "colour blocking" which we had to endure about 4 or 5 years ago.  Sadly it looks as if it's not going away just yet.

A few months ago I decided to try one of these tops on, but it just looked stupid so I gave up.  This is not sour grapes as I've seen many other people wearing them and every time it's been an unflattering fashion concept.  I get angry when we are dictated to by clothes retailers who foist these idiotic garments on to us.  We don't all want to buy a garment with two great gaping holes where the shoulders/sleeves used to be.

By all means, give us sleeveless tops - a must-have in the summertime - but either give us sleeves or no sleeves at all.  Just give us our shoulders back.

We've hit peak Christmas

Last year, in an attempt to avoid the excessive crowds and pre-Christmas rush, we went on our annual journey to the Edinburgh Christmas market at the end of November.  That seemed to work: it was busy, but there was still some breathing space.  

We decided to do the same thing this year and so today we headed for Edinburgh in the hope that we might repeat the more pleasant experience of last November - but we were not prepared for what can only be described as "peak Christmas".  Despite it only being November, the place was jam-packed to full capacity, there were queues to get in, queues to get out, and it was all just....overwhelming.  If that's what it's like now, what's it going to be like in a couple of weeks?

I don't understand this obsession with bringing Christmas forward, year after year, to the point when Christmas season begins right after Halloween.  Forward-planning is one thing and I will admit that I have the bulk of my shopping done by the end of November - after all, who wants to be trailing round the shops in the middle of December? - but is there really any need for people to be putting up their trees, lights and decorations in the middle of November, for example?  Yes, that is happening this year.  There are people in my street who have done just that since over a week ago.   

Still, I'm not going to be too mean spirited about it.  After all, this year has been hideous and anything which can bring a bit of light into our miserable lives should be welcomed, I guess.  We'll just need to have a rethink next year and avoid a Saturday trip to the market.  Or if you can't beat them, join them - maybe Edinburgh should tap into the early-Christmas trend and open the market next October!!

What part of "I'm not coming back" don't you understand?

Disgraceful behaviour from my former TV provider this week.

I counted a total of 21 logged calls to my mobile over the past few days from the same number which turned out to belong to my former TV provider.  Luckily I have a call blocker on my phone which means that they didn't get through.

The calls are coming from the same company which put me through an inquisition just 3-4 months ago when I contacted them to advise that I was leaving to join another provider.  I was on the phone for almost an hour, during which time I was offered numerous half price deals to tempt me to stay, given that I had been such a loyal customer for so many years.  My response was that if my loyalty was so valued, why had I not been offered these deals beforehand?

My gripe is not with the workers in the contact centres who have scripts to read, certain questions to ask and above all, targets to meet.  But it would be nice if someone's decision was respected when they decided to move on.

There may come a time when I'll have had enough of my current provider.  But right now, I'm perfectly happy and have no plans to change.  Try telling that to my "telly ex" which continues to bombard me with "come back" special offers and the torrent of phone calls.   Just what part of "I'm not coming back" don't you understand?

What happened this week?

I came to the conclusion that flexible working may be one of the best things that's happened to me. It's a pleasure working longer days when there is a day off at the end of it.  I had my first day off this week and used my time wisely.  I did some long-overlooked jobs at home.  I went shopping.  I watched some of my huge backlog of TV shows.  Oh, and I even wrote some blog posts.  All in all, a big success.

I also learned that I can cope with these unseasonably below-zero temperatures which we have been experiencing over the past week.  I guess that the built-in menopausal "central heating", which usually has a negative impact on my quality of life over the summer months has been a positive factor in the winter (apart from over-heated public transport or department stores/shopping malls which remain a nightmare).  You would usually expect these temperatures in January, for example, but November has skipped the autumnal and gone straight to winter.  On the plus side, there hasn't been any snow, or sleet, but these days have also been sunny and bright as well, making the extreme cold much more bearable.

Yesterday I was also reminded about how much I hate shopping, something which I once used to enjoy.  The enjoyment has been replaced by tiredness, exhaustion and sheer panic when being confronted with the Christmas shopping crowds.  It would appear that the Christmas season is getting earlier every year as well.  I've seen several houses with all their lights and decorations up since last week.  Oh well, each to their own.

Thursday night: the food shopping trip

As a follow-up to my previous post, there was one outstanding task which I had not been able to deal with since my mum passed away: the Thursday night food shopping for the week ahead.  Over the past year and 4 months, I went food shopping in the mornings, at lunchtime, at weekends - anything but go back to that weekly routine, because it was something we did together, for many, many years, and I couldn't face doing it on my own.

It is quite strange really, as I've had to come to terms with much, much bigger stuff over the past year which I've dealt with whilst adjusting to the 'new normal' of living on my own.  Yet sometimes the smallest, most insignificant things are often the hardest to achieve.

It was only with the change in my working pattern that I had to re-examine my weekly routines and so I decided that it was time to return to Morrisons on Thursday night.  It was strange, but yet somehow familiar and reassuring, and I coped well with it.

But I cried when I got home.

The 9 Day Fortnight: Week 1

So this past week I started my new working pattern of longer working days, with shorter lunch breaks, with the bonus of two extra days off per month as a result.

How did the first week go?  Well, the best word I can use to describe it is...."effortless".  Next week I will have my first "non-working day" and am looking forward to it :) I am also immediately feeling the benefit as I'm rediscovering "leisure time" knowing that I'll have that extra day to catch up with the outstanding jobs at home.  So it's early days, but it's all good :))

Things I learned this week (part 2)

The news that my new working pattern had been approved - and it's due to start imminently - sparked a feeling of happiness which I hadn't felt for a long long time.  I will now be working the "9 day fortnight".  The hard work starts very soon as I will now need to work longer days with early starts, late finishes and shorter lunches - but it's all worth it because I'll have an additional 2 days off per month in addition to my usual annual leave entitlement.

After receiving the news, I was buzzing and spent the rest of the week on a natural high.  Which was fine for me, although it became very annoying for everyone else :) I will be on leave this Monday but the fun starts on Tuesday!

Things I learned this week (part 1)

On a wider worldwide scale: everything has gone to s**t.  If 2016 wasn't horrible enough already, Donald Trump beat Hillary Clinton to win the US election.  I wasn't entirely surprised with the result - after the Brexit referendum result, nothing in the world surprises me: but it's just another reminder that conventional left vs right politics is over, and it's now all about intolerance vs compassion.  I still hope for the triumph of goodness in the world, but the past week hasn't given me much to be hopeful about.

October 2016: My first month with Fitbit

I have now had my Fitbit Flex for a month and am going into my 5th week of fitness tracking.  As I mentioned in an earlier post, I'm in a team doing a step challenge at work so this has given me the incentive to move more and try to achieve that elusive 10,000 steps per day.

What I learned from my first 4 weeks is that I only went over 10,000 steps on 7 days out of the past month.  But on those days I've hit 15,000, or 13,000, or 11,000, whilst most other days I'm usually over 8,000 or 9,000 steps.  So there is still some room for improvement during the final week of the step challenge.  Let's not mention Sundays, shall we?  I'm trying to turn Sunday into a proper day of rest, which it never used to be, so walking and exercise isn't really on the agenda and that has been evidenced in my Sunday step totals.

I have embraced the Fitbit trend though and always look forward to finding out my daily step totals. The sleep log has also proved what I've known for a long time - I'm not getting enough sleep, and the quality of it is not good enough.  That is another area of my life which I need to sort out.  

I have also discovered Fitbit fashion....I initially bought a Fitbit with a black wristband as I thought this would match most of my clothes.  But then I discovered that you could buy replacement bands (below) so it means that I could colour co-ordinate which is quite good fun.

I have since discovered there are lots of different patterned replacement bands around, so I'm sure there will be more of them joining my collection :)

But enough about the looks - what about the results?

Since October started, my main focus has been on building up my general fitness and mobility.  Over the summer, I had no energy to walk anywhere and my mobility was shot to pieces.  During October, when I started moving more - with the added incentive of not wanting to let the team down - I now have more energy, and when recently faced with one of those crucial fitness tests, running for a train, I was actually able to do this, and wasn't too out of breath, whereas a couple of months ago I was in a similar situation and could hardly walk, never mind run!

I knew that October would not be a good month to attempt to lose weight.  I had more social events in one month than I've had all year - and although I'm moving away from the disordered eating of the past few months, I haven't really made good choices this month when it comes to healthy eating.

November is 2 days away, and it is mainly a "blank page".  So my goal for the coming month is to build up my fitness, increase my daily steps, and finally restart exercising the way I used to.  Again I will not be weighing myself but will focus on losing inches.

Progress report to follow 4 weeks from today!

My new coat

One tradition of mine at this time of year is to go in search of a new winter coat.  Some years I will be after an all-weather, waterproof/quilted/padded coat but this year I thought I would treat myself to a military coat.  Now I'm not a fashionista by any means and prefer to buy more 'timeless' clothes which will outlive fashion trends, but I like this coat which I bought in Tesco this week.

Although the military style is on-trend at the moment, the minimal amount of buttons on this coat, compared to some coats I've seen, should ensure a bit more longevity for this new garment. However, in an ideal world, I'd only really want to wear it this winter and then donate it to a charity shop.  For unfortunately I have had to go up yet another size, as a result of my "expansion" due to weight gain, which I hope will be temporary in the longer term.

I haven't been dieting/weighing myself over the past month, to avoid giving myself any more stress in what is already a very stressful month, but I will get there eventually.  It's not all bad though, for my general fitness levels are finally improving.

Fancy a sandwich? Or crisps? Or both?

Another of Walkers' "limited edition" ranges of new crisps flavours have been on sale for the past couple of months.

As a result of last year's special editions, they brought back Beef and Onion crisps, to deafening cheers here at EuropeCrazy HQ as that has always been my favourite flavour (after Cheese and Onion).

I always enjoy trying out these limited editions although they are inevitably always frustrating as a) they don't always taste like you expect, and b) they inevitably leave you feeling disappointed.

But what about 2016's limited edition range?  Well, they've gone with a sandwich-themed range of crisp flavours based on popular sandwich fillings.  Or "sarnies" as they are often called in England - although we don't call a sandwich a "sarnie" in Scotland, we call it a "piece"!  So on this occasion I thought I would "give piece a chance" (groan) although as a confirmed crispaholic whose crisp addiction has been the main factor in taking up residence in the obese section of the BMI scale, I should really be seriously reducing my crisp intake.  Yes, I know.  But it's a limited edition, and I just had to try them, in the interest of research, you understand :))

To try out all the flavours you need to buy the two different multipacks on sale.

Cheese Toastie and Worcester Sauce

Of course I'm a cheese-a-holic so this was my first pick to try out.  Unfortunately the cheese flavour doesn't really come through, however there is a definite "vinegary" taste which is probably the added Lea and Perrins flavour.

Ham and Mustard

I had high hopes for this.  If you've ever tasted the hardcore joy of Brannigans Roast Beef and Mustard flavour crisps (5 for £1 in Poundland) then you'll be aware of the power of mustard flavouring.

Here, however, all you will find is blandness.  The ham flavour is just not strong enough and the mustard flavour is barely there.  You'd be better off just going and buying a bag of smoky bacon instead.

Cheese, Cucumber and Salad Cream

On paper, the most potentially gross-sounding of the group turns out to actually achieve its goal.  For this has an overwhelming taste of a salad topped with a big dollop of salad cream.  The cheese flavour is non-existent, but you can definitely taste the salad cream.  I'm no fan of salads, but this is more authentic than most of the flavours.

Sausage and Brown Sauce

Again, potential for greatness here with the combination of meaty and saucy flavours.  It certainly has the strongest flavour of all the bags I tried but the brown sauce completely overwhelms the sausage flavour which you can hardly taste at all.

Roast Chicken and Mayonnaise

A pretty pointless combination - just buy a packet of roast chicken instead.  Although there is a definite 'creaminess' added to the mix.  The jury is still out on this one.

And finally....

Bacon and Tomato Ketchup

Didn't try these purely due to my hatred of a) tomato ketchup and b) tomato flavoured crisps.

My conclusion: sorry Walkers, but this is yet another pointless exercise.  I couldn't really see any of these flavour combinations working in the longer term.

Now after eating all those crisps, I need to go on another diet.....!

Another life-changing thing?

In my endless quest to improve my wellbeing and achieve that elusive 'work-life balance' I've started the ball rolling and put in a request for a new working pattern.  In a few weeks I will learn if my application has been successful.  It's out of my hands now so I just hope that the result will be favourable.  More news to follow....

Thoughts on self-destruction

I always view October as my 'new year'.  During my September holiday fortnight I always do a lot of mental/emotional stocktaking and look ahead to the forthcoming winter months.  Which usually includes attempting to start a diet and weekly weigh-ins after my birthday at the end of September.

Only this year, I'm not doing it any more.  Over the last couple of emotionally difficult years, I developed what you might call a 'disordered' relationship with food.  I gained a very large amount of weight through binge-eating, my way of dealing with depression, family illness and deeply painful losses, but there was still that part of me which hoped I could turn things round and get my weight down again.  For every pound or two lost, there would be some emotional trauma or another - even a bad day would be sufficient to plunge me back into binge-snacking, leading to even more weight gain and self-loathing, and spiralling into more depression.

And during all this I would be stepping on the scales, either at home or as part of a weight-loss thing going on at work, and I'd just feel like a failure.  One other negative aspect of gaining all that weight was the shocking decline in my fitness.  I struggled to walk anywhere and had no energy.  It was all self-inflicted, but I was in such a bad place that there was nothing I could do at that time.  Over the past year I often wondered if I'd really grieved properly for mum.  But looking back now, with a lot more clarity than I've had in a long time, I now realise that the grief was there but just manifesting itself in a different, self-destructive way.

That fortnight off in September finally allowed me some time and space to take stock of my life. Personal events of the past few months have shown just how precious life is and how it can be cruelly taken away from you when you least expect it.  I treasure being alive, and I've had enough of the self-destruction which has marked the past 2 years of my life.

Last weekend I bought a 'Fitbit' fitness tracker (pictured above).  This coincided with joining a 'step challenge' at work which has encouraged me to get moving again, more frequently.  For the first time in months I was back on the mini-stepper and the exercise bike, slowly building up my fitness and stamina.  The extra exercise combined with some reasonably sensible eating - and no bingeing - was a major turning point.  

The best thing about it all was that I didn't go near the scales.  The feeling and satisfaction of getting my fitness back is something that just can't be measured on a scale.  And the fitter I become, this will enable me to work towards losing that weight.  I learned a lot on Slimming World and have some favourite go-to meals which I will continue to enjoy.  But I also need to re-establish a healthy relationship with food, without the stress and worry about what the scales will say this week.   Because there will be no more weigh-ins - until such time when I feel that it will be a positive experience for me again.  I'm going to be in control from now on - the scales won't control me any more.

And how do I feel right now?  In a word.....liberated.

...and I'm back in the room.

So the big switch took place remarkably smoothly and all my pre-switching worries were unfounded. I am now enjoying high-speed fibre broadband and TV on demand, although inevitably I would quickly build up a vast library of recordings in a short space of time.  The Rio Olympics are finishing this weekend but will live on for a few more days at EuropeCrazy HQ as I work through my backlog of through-the-night recordings!

In other news, this week has brought a little bit of clarity in what has been a very damaging few months. I am finally beginning to pull myself out of the slump and taking an interest in life again, although other personal circumstances are still very dark and sad, but I won't say any more about that out of respect to loved ones.

Regular readers of this blog will be well aware of my cycle of weight gain and emotional highs and lows so I won't go into all that again.  However, between now and the end of the year I will once again be embarking on a healthy eating/fitness regime to try and salvage something from 2016, an otherwise horrible year.

There will be no gym memberships or organised diets, no targets, no pressure, no major expectations. Just common sense and keeping a food diary.  It will also mean the return of the weekly Friday weigh-ins at work: my colleague and fitness guru advised me that these are going to continue until Christmas, so it's never too late to start again.

Update to follow on Friday 26.08.16 when hopefully there will be good news to report!

Those pre-switching blues

Forgive me for feeling more than a little agitated tonight, but as the date of the "big switch" is approaching I thought it was worth a blog post.

Having recently made the decision to "future-proof" my television, phone and broadband service, I'm also well aware that I'm taking a bit of a risk.  If mum was still here she would be fighting this with a vengeance.  She was always of the view that you should have separate services rather than combine all services from one provider.  However I have had problems with my TV recordings over recent months and after years of a good-but-not-great broadband service, I felt that the time was right to move on.

I want to embrace new ways of watching television and recently realised that my broadband was clearly not up to the job, so after 18 years (!) I'm finally parting with my ISP and going with a new provider.  It's a bittersweet parting of the ways as I can honestly say that over that time I've been lucky enough to have a very reliable internet connection, firstly as dial-up and then on to broadband, with only a couple of exceptions. Which isn't bad for 18 years.  But I now need to upgrade.

Long before "on demand" viewing became a thing, I was recording TV shows and watching them at a more suitable time, firstly on video and then on HDD and TV recorder.  Now, I'm impressed by the idea of watching TV on demand in new ways: either via the internet or on catch-up - with a view towards eventually subscribing to Netflix - and I'll get the best out of that with a high-speed broadband connection.  And then of course there is the highlight of every year, Eurovision national finals season, so I'm making sure that my high speed broadband is up to scratch before the 2017 adventure begins.

But my life being what it is, I'm well aware that the course of installation doesn't always run smoothly. In the bigger scheme of things I suppose this is a pretty irrelevant thing to get worried about but I'm naturally feeling very anxious. Being late to the "switching" party, with the same providers for years, I can only hope that in these "always on" days that there are no problems and I'm not left without a service for too long.

I've spend recent weeks getting my backlog of recordings down and realised that I need to get better at not letting recordings mount up.  And for everything else, that will be taken care of by my DVD box set Christmas wish list :)  So much for reducing the backlog!

Anyway I will see you on the other side, hopefully in a few days all being well!

Gardening solutions for the garden from hell

The combination of 'summertime sadness' and a lack of energy and anything approaching fitness meant that the gardening a.k.a. damage limitation has been neglected even more than usual.  But then this entered my life....

...a cordless grass and hedge trimmer, which I got a good deal on, and which genuinely provided one of those "where have you been all my life?" moments.  Regular readers of this blog over the years will be familiar with my gardening trials and tribulations (living in an area which is an extension of  a public park and therefore it's impossible to maintain anything approaching a decent garden).  High grass and weeds are a fact of life where we live, even for the householders who have invested in paving/slabs, only for them to be covered over by the aforementioned high grass/weeds.

To get the best out of this equipment you need to purchase a separate compatible handle (which cost almost as much as the cordless trimmer!).  It may feel like you're 'digging the desert with a spoon' in a huge, sprawling garden but it certainly gets results, effortlessly cutting through high grass, weeds and hedges.  Having had weeks of constant rain, the high grass hadn't had the chance to dry out but again this was no obstacle to the magic machine.  Eventually we had a couple of days without rain, sufficient time to dry out the grass and this enabled me to cut it with the lawnmower.

This summer may have been a write-off in so many ways, but at least I now have the tools to make a very difficult job much easier.  

Right idea, wrong time

As a follow-up to my previous post, I finally made the decision to quit the gym.  As with every decision I make, it involved a lot of soul-searching and list-making...! At the moment, I am nowhere near ready to return, my health is shockingly below par and it's going to take a long time before I'm back in shape, but it's a vicious circle - need to go to the gym to get fit, but not fit enough to go to the gym.  I feel like one of those "Biggest Loser" contestants when they've just entered the ranch and are falling to pieces when they take their first steps on the treadmill.

In  an act of self-compassion, I'm not going to call the great gym experiment a 'failure'; it was just the right idea but the wrong time.  Just another speed bump on the road to fitness.  And boy oh boy, has this summer been the wrong time.  So what comes after the last chance saloon?  Another round, I guess...

Having been here in this situation so many, many times over the last few years, the most important thing is that no matter how overweight or unfit you are, that every day is a new start, a clean sheet and another chance.  I'm not going to say that I'm going to lose (x) amount of pounds or inches in (x) weeks or months; that just puts the pressure on.  Life at the moment is tough enough without all that self-inflicted pressure and unrealistic expectations.

I mentioned self-compassion earlier in this post.  I've been reading a lot about this and feel it's something I need to practice more of, as I often give myself a tough time for stupid things, particularly over the past couple of years.  Last year and this year have been rotten for so many reasons. both personally and on a wider scale, for this country and for the world.  And from the personal to the global, there is no sign of things getting better any time soon.  Compassion, it seems, is in short supply.  We need so much more of it - for ourselves and for others.

So I'm aiming for fitness but at a very slow and manageable pace.  No dieting, no gym, but sensible eating, making good choices, and exercise on my own terms.  I used to call it my "Frank Sinatra Diet". (I did it my way!) So in the words of the great man himself, "start spreading the news" because hopefully "the best is yet to come" ! :)

EDIT 31.07.16: Unfortunately I plummeted again.  Self-sabotage, binge eating, and maybe the realisation that I've been going through a little bit of a depression without really acknowledging this. I want to be well again, but right now I'm not in a good place.

Summer Fitness Plan 2016: Oops.

I haven't been to the gym for 4 weeks.  2 of those weeks were spent recovering from that horrible shoulder/pectoral injury, which only began to ease off during our short break in Wales, and in the remaining weeks I have had the most spectacular fall off the fitness wagon, returning to old binge-eating habits and now feel further away than ever from the healthy living mindset.  

And then there was the massive weight gain in just 4 weeks.  I'm not going to say how much, but even by my gain-weight-quickly standards, it shocked me.  What has also shocked me is how quickly my fitness has deteriorated again.  Last week I was running for a train and literally couldn't go any further.  The pain in my legs has returned and even getting back on the exercise bike at home last night was a trial.  All of these facts are telling me that things have to change.  Now. 

Inevitably I have done much soul-searching over the past week about where it all goes from here.  Do I quit the gym and go back to exercising at home?  Do I stick to my original plan of going to the gym until September and then continue at home?  Am I well enough to even go to the gym? It's been a tough decision to make.  But I wouldn't want to give up so quickly without having had the chance to prove that I can make progress.  I don't want to pay for a membership which I'm not using either.  

The one thing I have decided on is to ditch the weekly weigh-ins.  These have placed unnecessary pressure on me to lose weight every week, and quite frankly life is too short to worry about something so insignificant.  

As for the gym, my first two months have been a stop-start time.  More stop than start.  But every day is a new day and a new start.  In all my years of writing about dieting and fitness on here, I've lost count of the fresh starts and the last chances.  But as long as I live and breathe, there is one more last chance.  I can't be stupid though and rush into something too quickly only to get injured again.  

So I have decided to return to the gym in the next few days and will take things very slowly indeed; I need to try to salvage yet another "big fat summer" before it goes completely out of control.  

One year

They say that as you get older, time passes more quickly.  That is so true.  Time seems to be rushing away at the speed of light.  I have been blogging for just over 9 years and they have gone by in a blur. And the same can be said for the last 12 months.

One year ago, on 2 July 2015, my mum passed away. So after all the other first year milestones - Christmas, new year, her birthday - this is the last one.  The anniversary.  My mum wasn't big on birthdays and even death anniversaries weren't really marked.  Her view was that there's nothing special about an anniversary; you miss someone every single day, you remember them every single day, and therefore it's just another date on the calendar.  Yet it was impossible to ignore, although if I'm honest, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  The sadness really kicked in from Tuesday to Thursday of the past week, as I relived her admission to hospital and her death 48 hours later.

After last July, the next 52 weeks were a learning process as well as a grieving one.  Learning to live on my own, learning the basics of running a house from day to day - the easiest things often turned out to be the hardest, and vice versa.  But I am getting there, slowly but surely.  I just need to find a way to address the binge-eating which I have turned to over the past year. But that's for another day...

Summer Fitness Plan 2016: week 7 recap

This is the week where it all went wrong.

After an extended visit to the gym where I just got a little too enthusiastic with some of the weight machines, I managed to pick up a nasty shoulder/pectoral injury.  For most of the past week I've been in excruciating pain and needless to say the fitness regime is on hold until I'm feeling better.

I didn't weigh-in this week as I've also struggled to eat healthily, for various reasons.

This week has been a shocking and sad week not only for this country and for the world, but also on a personal level.  Dark times.

The summer 2016 fitness regime is on hold for now, so I won't be posting updates on here until it resumes, whenever that will be.

Summer Fitness Plan 2016: week 6 recap

So that's another week over, and more success to report in spite of working not too hard (and having a few treats).

After last week's brilliant weight loss I didn't expect another successful week - so it was a bigger surprise to learn yesterday that I had lost another pound, making it a 5½ lbs weight loss over 2 weeks. Which I'm delighted about, but I still can't really see where it's happening as I don't feel thinner, really.

Where it is having an impact is in my fitness levels.  I'm slowly getting back to pre-2014 levels of fitness, and I can't describe just how important it is to get through every day without constant pain in every step I take.

I returned to the gym this week and my confidence is continuing to grow.  It's fascinating to watch the "fitness junkies" do their thing but I just wonder how they remain motivated if they achieve all their goals?  I guess they just set the bar higher.  My goals are much smaller though, but that will do for me.  I doubt if I'd ever become one of those gym-obsessives, like that woman I see regularly at 7.30 am, hammering the hell out of the treadmill :)

There is a limit to all this, though.  I'm going to cancel my membership at the end of September, by which time I'm hoping to have got back to "the old me" with a sufficient level of fitness to continue my efforts at EuropeCrazy HQ over the winter months and beyond.  That's the plan.

There is less good news to report on the swimming front though: going swimming before work seemed like a good idea, but one of the "oldies" put me in my place yesterday and told me in no uncertain terms that this was the time for the "real swimmers" and I was taking up valuable lane-swimming space by hanging out at the side of the pool doing my aqua-aerobics.  (Bearing in mind that half of the pool is already closed-off for lessons/lane swimming - AT 7.30 AM!) Which is very disappointing, as in last week's post I was very positive about the older people frequenting the pool; unfortunately they turned out to be more exclusive and elitist than I could ever have expected.  I replied by stating that this was the only time I could go to the pool as I-WORK-FOR-A-LIVING-AND-THIS-IS-THE-ONLY-TIME-I-CAN-GO-FOR-A-SWIM-BECAUSE-THE-POOL-IS-OFF-LIMITS-IN-THE-EVENING-FOR-SWIMMING-LESSONS-AND-CLUBS (subtext: you can swim here anytime....) but to be honest, I've had enough of it really.  Apart from the comments of the oldie-swimming-mafia, the practicalities of fitting in swimming before work are, well, not very practical. So if/when I do return to the pool, it will be at the weekend when all I have to worry about are kids splashing around - my pet hate, and the reason I went pre-work swimming in the first place - but hey, that's as good as it gets.  Unless of course someone comes up to me and helpfully advises that I am taking up their splashing-space. Whatever.

So in the meantime I am devoting all my efforts to the gym, where no-one's going to come up to me and helpfully advise that I am in their treadmill-space.