Life means all that it ever meant, it is the same that it ever was

It's Christmas Eve today, I've been on holiday from work yesterday and today, with a mixture of housework, relaxation and naturally some seasonal overindulgence.  This morning I placed the presents under the tree, and what a nice array they are too.  Tonight I'll have my traditional visit from Santa (who looks suspiciously like faithful travelling companion) and we will exchange our presents. Just a normal Christmas Eve then.

Only it's not.  For it is another one of those milestones.  My first Christmas without my mum.  I was dreading it, but surprisingly I am getting through it.  Why?  Well, because along with all the love and kindness she gave me, she also instilled the self-sufficiency and resilience which were a very strong aspect of her personality - and which she also inherited from her mother.  It's those qualities which have kicked in over the past few months and enabled me to deal with the unbearable grief and loss, and also given me the strength to get on with life.  In the same way that my mum did after my gran died.  Because that's what we do: it is our own way of grieving.  Life goes on, and it is to be lived.

We all grieve in different ways, but we still grieve.  Because there isn't a minute of the day when I don't think about her.  There isn't a moment when I don't miss my best friend.  We had so much fun together.  I miss the laughs, and the daft nonsense, the swearing-like-a-trooper at the TV, and of course her love-hate relationship with the Eurovision Song Contest.  There is just this constant emptiness and a feeling of "going through the motions".  But I am adjusting to living on my own, slowly but surely.  New memories are to be made.

But maybe the reason that I don't feel so alone is that I still feel her spirit, her presence here with me. And when I have a good day, I tell her.  When I have a bad day, I tell her that too.  And tomorrow - Christmas Day - I will be going out with faithful travelling companion and his mum for Christmas dinner; a new happy memory to be made.  And there's plenty of other things to keep me going over the next few days - blogging, tweeting and watching foreign telly to name three.  And with Twitter, I'm never alone :)

Among the many sympathy cards I received in the summer, one particularly stood out as it had a poem which particularly resonated with me.  It made me cry floods but it also made me smile too, because every word is so true and I have revisited it many times and taken so much comfort from it over the past 5 months.  And it has helped me to work through my own grief, and helped me to understand that it is ok to smile, and laugh, for she will always be alive in my heart.  If you are reading this post, I hope you can take comfort from this poem too.

An ill week, a happy day, and finally cracking Christmas

If this blog is turning into a rather gloom-laden place then please accept my apologies; rest assured that I want to take it in a more upward direction in the weeks and months to come.

But the past seven days have been an extremely miserable place as last Thursday I fell victim to yet another horrible viral infection, a very similar one to that which I had in June, which had its usual 'leftovers' which left me struggling to get through the week, battling a constant cough as well as the usual sinus hell which these things always leave me with.  As if that wasn't bad enough, my eyes decided to come out in sympathy on Monday. So we can add conjunctivitis to an already growing ailment list.  On a totally shallow note, the worst thing about the eye infection was that I had to go eye make-up free to work for two whole days.  The horror of it! :))  My boss, who I can also luckily call my great friend, had a good chuckle at my predicament, but then she can get away with anything!!

Today I woke up and the red-eye was gone.  Normal Laura was resumed, my trademark eyeliner and mascara back on, and if I can just shake off this horrible post-viral cough all will be well once more. The down-side of the past week has been a loss of appetite and struggling to eat, which is definitely not like me!

For various other reasons, today was a very good day.  I won't go into all of it, as it involves other people whose privacy will remain private, but their happy news made me very happy too.  I also had a brilliant trip to the theatre today, review to turn up eventually (definitely before Christmas) over at EuropeCrazy.

I'm beginning to feel like I'm finally cracking Christmas.  The whole Christmas card writing, and accompanying letters which I always send at this time of year, has turned out to be more therapeutic than I first thought.  I am triggering/grasping opportunities to re-establish broken family links because life is too short and I'm quite frankly fed up of meeting people only at funerals rather than on happier/normal occasions.  I don't know where it's all going but at least I can say that I tried :)

December thoughts

Regular readers of this blog won't fail to have noticed my numerous attempts at trying to lose weight and get fit, whether via an official plan or doing my own thing.

Over recent weeks I've been doing a bit of stocktaking of my life: the things I want or need to change, and also recognising the things which hold me back, particularly through the dark and cold winter months.  I came to the conclusion that I don't need the additional stress of tracking everything I eat and weighing myself every week, especially when I'm in the midst of fluctuating emotions whilst dealing with the winter months - always a danger point for my mental health, and when you pile on the big post-bereavement milestone: Christmas, then something has to be done.

So I have decided to ditch "the dieting", not just for the moment, but for good.  For it is just one more stress I can do without.  Sometimes a little thing is the tipping point for a big decision.  In my case it was a workmate's birthday recently, when there was some delicious home-made cake on the go.  (One of my friends/colleagues is a fabulous baker and she also baked a cake when it was my birthday).  Suddenly I went into "dieting mode" and initially declined the cake.  But then something happened.  For at that moment I decided - why not?  My most successful non-official-dieting phases have resulted from a combination of moderation and exercise.  When I could have my cake and eat it.

The kind of low I'm experiencing now is different from this time last year: where last year was damaging and dangerous at least I had mum.  Now, all I feel is emptiness and a sense of going through the motions every day.  It's as if my feelings and emotions have been ripped out.  It's only when I'm with faithful travelling companion that I'm brought back to life.

Strangely enough, I seem to have morphed into the 'old me' at work, the person who used to be quite upbeat and chirpy. That's maybe just my way of repaying the kindness which everyone has shown me over the last 5 months, and maybe just my way of dealing with day-to-day life.

I had a day off work today and put up the Christmas tree.  Mum was very particular about how the lights were put on the tree, and how the baubles were arranged.  Well, there may have been a slight dip in quality control (and sorry mum, but there's probably a million things I can do better than putting lights on a tree) but hopefully she'll have approved.

We don't have a 'colour scheme' and some of the baubles even date back to the 70s and 80s (yes!) but it will always be "our" tree. Things won't really change this Christmas.  Like mum, I was never really into having a lot of decorations up, so apart from the tree there's only a few little ornaments around the fireplace, including mum's favourite little wind-up snow globe (below) which plays "White Christmas".

The next big task will be sorting out the Christmas card list, something which was always mum's "job" so I'm not really looking forward to it.  At least the cards and stamps are bought.  I've been pretty organised this year and concluded the Christmas shopping by the end of November.

In between all this festive planning, I am looking to the future.  Over recent weeks I started doing up the house, and this will continue in the coming months. Last week I went sofa shopping with successful results - so it will be out with the completely uncomfortable three-piece suite and in with a very comfy sofa and chair in the next 3 months or so.  New furniture and carpets will be purchased, and there is a lot of painting to be done.  So I'll need to keep myself fit for all this hard work ahead. Which brings me back to my original topic.  Without the pressure of counting, tracking and weighing, I might even enjoy the rest of the winter, with the freedom to eat more of what I want (in moderation of course), but upping the exercise as it will be "time to start paying - in sweat!!"