On your bike: thoughts on unfulfilled driving ambitions

As I begin to overcome this depressive slump which I've been going through, there are a lot of things on my mind.  With a massive weight gain in a very short period, I've become very aware of the need to sort things out and finally turn my life around before it's too late.  My own physical fitness is not what it once was: I'm not getting any younger, and the recent self-inflicted self-destruction hasn't helped.  

Call it a midlife crisis, or whether it's the mythical "bucket list" or something else, I have this notion that there are still some outstanding things which I haven't been able to achieve, and I really need to address them.  Recently, I have been obsessing over one outstanding thing. 

I never learned how to ride a bike, and now I want to do this. 

Yes, that's right.  That person who has been a fan of professional cycling for the best part of 30 years, doesn't know how to ride a bike.  Rewind to my childhood when I had a very cool, turquoise-coloured three-wheeler bike (can't remember if it was a Raleigh or Triang?) but there would come a time when I outgrew that bike and it was time to upgrade to two wheels.  Perhaps my mum and gran had an awareness of my tendency to be very accident-prone, but when that time came, the decision was made that Laura would not be upgrading to two wheels, because "it's too dangerous".  Yes, even back in the 1970s equivalent of EuropeCrazy HQ, the cult of health and safety was alive and well.  So my cycling life was not to be, and that's how it went.  

As my life progressed, I had no urge to discover life on two wheels.  As the 80s and 90s came around, I began to follow professional cycling, initially on Channel 4 and later on ITV and Eurosport.  But even in those days, I still had no urge to hit the road on a bike.  That was for other people.  In the meantime I thought that I should learn to drive.  

I had grown up in a family without a car, who had relied on public transport and taxis for getting around.  By the 1990s I finally had the opportunity to change my life and take driving lessons, pass my test, get a car and join the ranks of the driving community.  As it would turn out, my hesitant and cautious nature made it difficult when learning to drive - my lovely and patient driving instructor, bless him, would reassure me "you can go up to 30 mph you know!".

It took a lot of driving lessons to boost my confidence and make me driving-ready.  I didn't enjoy learning to drive, but was of the view that once I learned, it would be easier.  I put in a lot of work and by the time of my test, in January 1994, I was ready to be a driver.  Amazingly, I passed my driving test first time round - but due to my limited finances, I couldn't afford a car until 6 months later when I bought a car off my friend and neighbour in June 1994.  Finally I was a driver, and was extremely proud when I drove my car to work and parked it in our office car park.  All was well for two months, until one evening in August 1994 when an attempt was made to steal my car - and when the thief was unable to do so, they then proceeded to vandalise my car to an extent that it would take approximately 8 weeks to repair it - by which time I would have completely lost interest in driving. 

So I haven't driven a car since that time.  But I often wonder if I should have learned to ride a bike?

Fast-forward 23 years. A lot has changed. I have become aware of the existence of folding bikes, which would resolve the issue of residing in an upstairs flat with limited space.  Suddenly I am faced with the possibility that I could learn to ride a bike, even at *this* age, with this underwhelming level of fitness.  It's an unfilfilled ambition but it's finally in reach. On the one hand, I'm filled with trepidation and worry about injury as someone who struggles with knee problems for example - on the other hand, I'm excited about the possibility of trying something new.  I might even succeed. Usually I have a 12-15 minute walk to work - the idea that I could cycle there instead is spurring me on.  It's an exciting challenge and one which inspires me.  I just need to increase my fitness levels to the point where I am able to finally get on two wheels.  Over this summer I will think long and hard about beginning my new life as a cyclist.  More to follow....

In praise of: Steven Brown Art

The image of the famous Highland cow is known worldwide as a symbol of Scotland and Scottish tourism - it pops up everywhere from postcards to other souvenirs and of course soft toys. In case you're unfamiliar with what it looks like, here's a picture of a Highland cow:

By the way, although I've never seen one in its natural habitat, I have seen them at the Royal Highland Show (the famous Scottish agricultural show which takes place at Ingliston near Edinburgh) and they are mighty fine specimens!

Anyway, what do you get if you combine Highland cows with the colourful imagination of Ayrshire artist Steven Brown?  Answer: the McCoos! ("Coo" is a Scottish word for a cow, in case you didn't know)l. 

In recent months the colourful art of Steven Brown has crept into our consciousness here in Scotland, and there is now even an advert on Scottish TV.  Everyone who knows me knows how much I love everything cow-related so it was inevitable that I would invest in some purchases from the Steven Brown Art shop in Newmarket Street in Ayr when I visited last week.  Yesterday I bought a couple of frames for my prints so they can finally go up on the living room wall at EuropeCrazy HQ.  Meet Lizzie McCoo and Arran and Isla McCoo (love the way that every one of Mr Brown's creations has its own name!)

At this point I must throw in a disclaimer here: OTHER ANIMALS ARE AVAILABLE.  So if you're not really a fan of all things bovine, there is something for everyone at Steven Brown Art, from lions to penguins, chimps to deer, dogs and even celebrity icons like Marilyn Monroe and Amy Winehouse.

Steven brings a lot of colour into our lives in very dark times, so his colourful art deserves to be celebrated and I hope it reaches a much wider audience.  Check out https://www.stevenbrownart.co.uk/ for his considerable body of work to date. 

Here's a little video from YouTube as well, where Steven describes his work and how his business has grown over the past year.  

I'm a lost cause, basically.

Remember that 7lbs which I was so proud of losing over February and March?  It's back, and has brought some extra flabby friends with it.  I feel so angry with myself for falling into this slump yet again, trapping myself in this cycle of more weight gain which makes me more miserable, and so it goes on.

I think it was Kate Moss who made that stupid pathetic comment a few years ago, "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"...well, during those weeks I was losing weight, nothing tasted as good as stepping on that scale over those weeks to discover that the weight was going down, and it was starting to show. It was the best kind of natural high, yet fast forward a few weeks and I am now back to the beginning, crying with frustration that 95% of the clothes in my wardrobe don't fit. (All very 'first world problems' I know, but my mental health and weight have been linked for so long that when one of them goes wrong, the other follows).

The same thing has happened as previously - I started a "diet", I did well for a few weeks then it all fell apart as I began to feel bitter about weighing myself every week and having to account for every single thing I ate, and the lead-up to the weigh-ins again began to fill me with dread.  I don't feel in control any more - "the dieting" becomes controlling and restrictive, controls me, messes with my mind and I stop enjoying life. But then those numbers begin to increase, the weight and inches pile back on and all the time I'm trying to follow this diet, and all the time it's getting me down, I go into this slump, turn to comfort/binge eating, and the cycle perpetuates.

I've been dieting, and failing at dieting, for more years than I can remember.  That happens to a lot of people.  If diets worked, then the diet companies would go bankrupt.  But in my own experience, they only work for a little while and then life gets in the way.  So where do I go from here?  I need a new approach, a lot of commitment and above all, the need to rediscover moderation - and I need to escape from the toxic obsession with the scales.  Here we go again .....!!