Only this year, I'm not doing it any more. Over the last couple of emotionally difficult years, I developed what you might call a 'disordered' relationship with food. I gained a very large amount of weight through binge-eating, my way of dealing with depression, family illness and deeply painful losses, but there was still that part of me which hoped I could turn things round and get my weight down again. For every pound or two lost, there would be some emotional trauma or another - even a bad day would be sufficient to plunge me back into binge-snacking, leading to even more weight gain and self-loathing, and spiralling into more depression.
And during all this I would be stepping on the scales, either at home or as part of a weight-loss thing going on at work, and I'd just feel like a failure. One other negative aspect of gaining all that weight was the shocking decline in my fitness. I struggled to walk anywhere and had no energy. It was all self-inflicted, but I was in such a bad place that there was nothing I could do at that time. Over the past year I often wondered if I'd really grieved properly for mum. But looking back now, with a lot more clarity than I've had in a long time, I now realise that the grief was there but just manifesting itself in a different, self-destructive way.
That fortnight off in September finally allowed me some time and space to take stock of my life. Personal events of the past few months have shown just how precious life is and how it can be cruelly taken away from you when you least expect it. I treasure being alive, and I've had enough of the self-destruction which has marked the past 2 years of my life.
Last weekend I bought a 'Fitbit' fitness tracker (pictured above). This coincided with joining a 'step challenge' at work which has encouraged me to get moving again, more frequently. For the first time in months I was back on the mini-stepper and the exercise bike, slowly building up my fitness and stamina. The extra exercise combined with some reasonably sensible eating - and no bingeing - was a major turning point.
The best thing about it all was that I didn't go near the scales. The feeling and satisfaction of getting my fitness back is something that just can't be measured on a scale. And the fitter I become, this will enable me to work towards losing that weight. I learned a lot on Slimming World and have some favourite go-to meals which I will continue to enjoy. But I also need to re-establish a healthy relationship with food, without the stress and worry about what the scales will say this week. Because there will be no more weigh-ins - until such time when I feel that it will be a positive experience for me again. I'm going to be in control from now on - the scales won't control me any more.
And how do I feel right now? In a word.....liberated.
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