Monday: another day on the rollercoaster

Recent days have been packed with activity; jobs which need to be done, agencies which need to be advised of changes of circumstances, and friends and family who need to be updated.  Talking to people is never easy, but in this instance the 'rallying-round' which seems to be a familiar part of life following a bereavement, has been a great comfort to me.  There is also a force and strength driving me onwards through this.  Mum is with me and is guiding me.  She wouldn't want to see me fall apart.  And that's what's keeping me going.

After various hold-ups and hiccups, the funeral arrangements were finally confirmed for this Thursday.

Today's toughest task was getting to grips with arranging a religious funeral, in line with what my mum would have wanted.  It has been a long, long time since organised religion was a part of my life, so the task of choosing a few hymns - and crucially, remembering the ones she used to like, all those years ago - turned out to be more drawn-out and complicated than first thought.  I became sad, and irritable, and even a little bit frustrated that a religious funeral means that the "send-off" isn't going to be as personal as I'd have liked.  But I've written a 'eulogy' of sorts, of edited highlights from her life, so along with the hymn choices, then that's as personal as it'll probably get.  I don't even know if I'll be allowed to play a couple of my mum's favourite songs at the crematorium.   Rules, huh?

What has impressed me throughout this process is the dignity and sensitivity shown by everyone over the past week.  From the wonderful nursing staff who cared for mum in her last days in hospital, to the registrar who went above and beyond, to the funeral directors' staff, and everyone else, all have been so kind and sensitive, and it gives me hope that there are some good people out there doing such good work.  If it can also inspire me to practice the same sensitivity in my own working life, both to my colleagues and to the public, then I will have learned a very valuable lesson indeed.  

Surprisingly, I have come to treasure the peace and solitude of night-time.  (The only thing I treasure more is the love and support of faithful travelling companion, who has been there for me every step of the way.)  That 'me-time', no matter how mundane - watching TV or reading the latest trending topics on Twitter - means a lot.

I feel exhausted, emotionally, mentally and physically, and I fell to pieces a few times.  It'll be a while yet before I can reintroduce my trademark eye make-up, that's for sure.  My body is wracked with pain, because of all the tension and stress.

In the meantime, I want to do as little as possible tomorrow, apart from make a few phone calls and sorting some stuff out with the church.  Some much-needed rest would be welcome, and I'm going to take it and enjoy it.

By the way, this was my 400th post on Random Ramblings.  Much more to follow, I'm sure.