After the last few hectic days I decided to make some time for myself today, and not do very much at all. There are still some things to be done, but I've prioritised and decided that the less urgent things can wait. Today is not the day to be spending 3 hours on the phone to one utility company or another, trying to change the bills to my name. That's for another day.
This morning I phoned friends and colleagues about the funeral. 48 hours from now, it will all be over, and I will then start to get on with my new life, living on my own. (That Freddie Mercury song has just popped into my head).
The other day I began typing up a few notes about my mum's life, and for the last couple of hours I have finally turned these into a very personal eulogy. In an ideal world, I would want to stand up in church and read it myself, because I was the one who lived with her, who knew her best. But I probably won't be allowed to, and the priest will probably think it's too long and it will have to be edited, and....etc etc. Maybe I've just become too 'secular' after all.
But I want to tell people about her childhood, her personality, her bright and beautiful mind, her fight for social justice, her love of words and poetry, and football, and music, and Irn Bru, and chocolate, and the love and laughter which filled our life together. So I have put the words on paper, in language as heartfelt and honest as I can find. And if I'm probably not allowed to read it, hopefully the words will convey what I want to say.
This afternoon I'm feeling more at peace with myself. I'm not phoning or texting anyone, and am actually enjoying this quiet time, just me and the laptop. Writing these blog posts is also therapeutic.
Last night I also had the very welcome distraction of watching Le Tour with faithful travelling companion, although even then I had a wobble as I remembered how mum would also ask me every year to explain race tactics, and the peloton, and the lead-out train, and why the person who won the stage wasn't automatically the race leader. And she would always ask me if you could buy those lions anywhere - TdF merchandisers were totally missing a trick, weren't they?
Tomorrow I will meet my old friends for a coffee in town, and later on I will have to decide what to wear on Thursday. But I'll think about that tomorrow.
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