Wednesday: realising the value of true friendship

I am overwhelmed by the number of sympathy cards which I've received in recent days, from loved ones, family, friends and colleagues.   I cried a lot today, because I would read the cards and many of the words would just be so true, and so lovely, that it would tip me over the edge again.  Whilst out for coffee with two of my closest old friends at lunchtime today, I met a number of my work colleagues (the coffee shop is just minutes away from the office) and every one of them has been so kind and genuine, which has been genuinely touching,  I will never forget their kindness.

A little update from yesterday: I will be reading the eulogy.  I rehearsed it twice tonight and got on fine, although I was sitting comfortably in my living room at the time, on my own, and not in  front of a congregation. Public speaking terrifies me to the point that I had to stop giving training courses at work a couple of years ago.  But this is different because I wrote it, I believe in it, and I just want to tell everyone who will be there tomorrow, about everything from her hobbies and talents, to her beliefs and values, and what my mum meant to me, with a couple of (hopefully) amusing little anecdotes thrown in to reflect her refreshingly unconventional personality.

This morning I felt incredibly stressed, agitated and frustrated, but that soon passed.  The passage of time has been very strange over the past 8 days since my mum was admitted to hospital.  On the one hand it has flown by, on the other hand it has felt like months.  Days and nights have been packed with necessary tasks and tnumerous phone calls (last night's on-hold experience led to my mini Twitter rant).  But I have thrown myself into the practicalities, and the to-do list is considerably reduced.

For someone who often finds it difficult to talk to people, I have surprisingly been able to speak calmly to everyone about what happened last week.  But the fact remains that there is a crushing pain which feels like Pac-Man crunching his way across my body, and that pain has never gone away since last week; neither has the sheer exhaustion.  So although I may seem not too bad on the surface - other people are more worried about me than I am - this painful sadness is constantly with me.  I continue to seek solace in the internet, reading inspirational articles to comfort and help me through these painfully sad days.

The thought of tomorrow is unbearable, but I have faithful travelling companion, the most loving, caring and supportive person I could ever want in my life.  We will get through tomorrow together.  I owe it to mum not to let her down.