The first days of the rest of my life

After a hectic week of making arrangements, non-stop phone calls and rushing around, I was close to exhaustion.

'Boredom' is not a word which has ever figured in my vocabulary, and there is always so much to do at home.  The list of unfinished jobs, unwatched DVD box sets, unread books etc is long enough to ensure that it'll be a long time before I'm looking for something to do, to occupy my mind.  Then there is the diet/fitness regime which will be crucial; history has shown that when my weight increases and my physical fitness deteriorates, my mental health goes into freefall.  Mum wouldn't want me to end up in that dark place again.

But right now, I don't really want to do very much at all.  I am craving rest, and sleep, and complete relaxation.  I am now knee-deep in grief, and loss, and complete emptiness, and trying to come to terms with how I am going to live without my mum.  I can seem 'fine' and then there are sudden, explosive moments of painful sobbing.  And while I have taken great comfort from everyone's love and support since it happened, the fact remains that I can't go and and tell her any more about something I wanted to share with her.  Bus journeys just got a lot bleaker, because I can't phone her to tell her I'm coming home.  There are so many situations which I won't be able to share with her any more.  Last night I wondered if I would ever be happy again, or to be more precise, would I ever have the right to be happy again?  But then I keep remembering mum's letter to me, and her telling me to get on with my life and not be sad.  And I am not alone - I have faithful travelling companion, and my life is filled with love.

I am going back to work tomorrow.  Some people have questioned this decision, but I don't feel that it will do me any good to take more time off.  Since my mum passed away, the loneliest moments have been those spent on my own, at home.  Talking to people, something I've always found very difficult, has suddenly become easier, and the interaction with others has been a comfort.  It has taken tragic circumstances to make me realise just how much my work colleagues and friends care about me, and I will never forget their kindness.  So that's the reason why I'm going back tomorrow.