October 2016: My first month with Fitbit

I have now had my Fitbit Flex for a month and am going into my 5th week of fitness tracking.  As I mentioned in an earlier post, I'm in a team doing a step challenge at work so this has given me the incentive to move more and try to achieve that elusive 10,000 steps per day.

What I learned from my first 4 weeks is that I only went over 10,000 steps on 7 days out of the past month.  But on those days I've hit 15,000, or 13,000, or 11,000, whilst most other days I'm usually over 8,000 or 9,000 steps.  So there is still some room for improvement during the final week of the step challenge.  Let's not mention Sundays, shall we?  I'm trying to turn Sunday into a proper day of rest, which it never used to be, so walking and exercise isn't really on the agenda and that has been evidenced in my Sunday step totals.

I have embraced the Fitbit trend though and always look forward to finding out my daily step totals. The sleep log has also proved what I've known for a long time - I'm not getting enough sleep, and the quality of it is not good enough.  That is another area of my life which I need to sort out.  

I have also discovered Fitbit fashion....I initially bought a Fitbit with a black wristband as I thought this would match most of my clothes.  But then I discovered that you could buy replacement bands (below) so it means that I could colour co-ordinate which is quite good fun.

I have since discovered there are lots of different patterned replacement bands around, so I'm sure there will be more of them joining my collection :)

But enough about the looks - what about the results?

Since October started, my main focus has been on building up my general fitness and mobility.  Over the summer, I had no energy to walk anywhere and my mobility was shot to pieces.  During October, when I started moving more - with the added incentive of not wanting to let the team down - I now have more energy, and when recently faced with one of those crucial fitness tests, running for a train, I was actually able to do this, and wasn't too out of breath, whereas a couple of months ago I was in a similar situation and could hardly walk, never mind run!

I knew that October would not be a good month to attempt to lose weight.  I had more social events in one month than I've had all year - and although I'm moving away from the disordered eating of the past few months, I haven't really made good choices this month when it comes to healthy eating.

November is 2 days away, and it is mainly a "blank page".  So my goal for the coming month is to build up my fitness, increase my daily steps, and finally restart exercising the way I used to.  Again I will not be weighing myself but will focus on losing inches.

Progress report to follow 4 weeks from today!

My new coat

One tradition of mine at this time of year is to go in search of a new winter coat.  Some years I will be after an all-weather, waterproof/quilted/padded coat but this year I thought I would treat myself to a military coat.  Now I'm not a fashionista by any means and prefer to buy more 'timeless' clothes which will outlive fashion trends, but I like this coat which I bought in Tesco this week.

Although the military style is on-trend at the moment, the minimal amount of buttons on this coat, compared to some coats I've seen, should ensure a bit more longevity for this new garment. However, in an ideal world, I'd only really want to wear it this winter and then donate it to a charity shop.  For unfortunately I have had to go up yet another size, as a result of my "expansion" due to weight gain, which I hope will be temporary in the longer term.

I haven't been dieting/weighing myself over the past month, to avoid giving myself any more stress in what is already a very stressful month, but I will get there eventually.  It's not all bad though, for my general fitness levels are finally improving.

Fancy a sandwich? Or crisps? Or both?

Another of Walkers' "limited edition" ranges of new crisps flavours have been on sale for the past couple of months.

As a result of last year's special editions, they brought back Beef and Onion crisps, to deafening cheers here at EuropeCrazy HQ as that has always been my favourite flavour (after Cheese and Onion).

I always enjoy trying out these limited editions although they are inevitably always frustrating as a) they don't always taste like you expect, and b) they inevitably leave you feeling disappointed.

But what about 2016's limited edition range?  Well, they've gone with a sandwich-themed range of crisp flavours based on popular sandwich fillings.  Or "sarnies" as they are often called in England - although we don't call a sandwich a "sarnie" in Scotland, we call it a "piece"!  So on this occasion I thought I would "give piece a chance" (groan) although as a confirmed crispaholic whose crisp addiction has been the main factor in taking up residence in the obese section of the BMI scale, I should really be seriously reducing my crisp intake.  Yes, I know.  But it's a limited edition, and I just had to try them, in the interest of research, you understand :))

To try out all the flavours you need to buy the two different multipacks on sale.

Cheese Toastie and Worcester Sauce

Of course I'm a cheese-a-holic so this was my first pick to try out.  Unfortunately the cheese flavour doesn't really come through, however there is a definite "vinegary" taste which is probably the added Lea and Perrins flavour.

Ham and Mustard

I had high hopes for this.  If you've ever tasted the hardcore joy of Brannigans Roast Beef and Mustard flavour crisps (5 for £1 in Poundland) then you'll be aware of the power of mustard flavouring.

Here, however, all you will find is blandness.  The ham flavour is just not strong enough and the mustard flavour is barely there.  You'd be better off just going and buying a bag of smoky bacon instead.

Cheese, Cucumber and Salad Cream

On paper, the most potentially gross-sounding of the group turns out to actually achieve its goal.  For this has an overwhelming taste of a salad topped with a big dollop of salad cream.  The cheese flavour is non-existent, but you can definitely taste the salad cream.  I'm no fan of salads, but this is more authentic than most of the flavours.

Sausage and Brown Sauce

Again, potential for greatness here with the combination of meaty and saucy flavours.  It certainly has the strongest flavour of all the bags I tried but the brown sauce completely overwhelms the sausage flavour which you can hardly taste at all.

Roast Chicken and Mayonnaise

A pretty pointless combination - just buy a packet of roast chicken instead.  Although there is a definite 'creaminess' added to the mix.  The jury is still out on this one.

And finally....

Bacon and Tomato Ketchup

Didn't try these purely due to my hatred of a) tomato ketchup and b) tomato flavoured crisps.

My conclusion: sorry Walkers, but this is yet another pointless exercise.  I couldn't really see any of these flavour combinations working in the longer term.

Now after eating all those crisps, I need to go on another diet.....!

Another life-changing thing?

In my endless quest to improve my wellbeing and achieve that elusive 'work-life balance' I've started the ball rolling and put in a request for a new working pattern.  In a few weeks I will learn if my application has been successful.  It's out of my hands now so I just hope that the result will be favourable.  More news to follow....

Thoughts on self-destruction

I always view October as my 'new year'.  During my September holiday fortnight I always do a lot of mental/emotional stocktaking and look ahead to the forthcoming winter months.  Which usually includes attempting to start a diet and weekly weigh-ins after my birthday at the end of September.

Only this year, I'm not doing it any more.  Over the last couple of emotionally difficult years, I developed what you might call a 'disordered' relationship with food.  I gained a very large amount of weight through binge-eating, my way of dealing with depression, family illness and deeply painful losses, but there was still that part of me which hoped I could turn things round and get my weight down again.  For every pound or two lost, there would be some emotional trauma or another - even a bad day would be sufficient to plunge me back into binge-snacking, leading to even more weight gain and self-loathing, and spiralling into more depression.

And during all this I would be stepping on the scales, either at home or as part of a weight-loss thing going on at work, and I'd just feel like a failure.  One other negative aspect of gaining all that weight was the shocking decline in my fitness.  I struggled to walk anywhere and had no energy.  It was all self-inflicted, but I was in such a bad place that there was nothing I could do at that time.  Over the past year I often wondered if I'd really grieved properly for mum.  But looking back now, with a lot more clarity than I've had in a long time, I now realise that the grief was there but just manifesting itself in a different, self-destructive way.

That fortnight off in September finally allowed me some time and space to take stock of my life. Personal events of the past few months have shown just how precious life is and how it can be cruelly taken away from you when you least expect it.  I treasure being alive, and I've had enough of the self-destruction which has marked the past 2 years of my life.

Last weekend I bought a 'Fitbit' fitness tracker (pictured above).  This coincided with joining a 'step challenge' at work which has encouraged me to get moving again, more frequently.  For the first time in months I was back on the mini-stepper and the exercise bike, slowly building up my fitness and stamina.  The extra exercise combined with some reasonably sensible eating - and no bingeing - was a major turning point.  

The best thing about it all was that I didn't go near the scales.  The feeling and satisfaction of getting my fitness back is something that just can't be measured on a scale.  And the fitter I become, this will enable me to work towards losing that weight.  I learned a lot on Slimming World and have some favourite go-to meals which I will continue to enjoy.  But I also need to re-establish a healthy relationship with food, without the stress and worry about what the scales will say this week.   Because there will be no more weigh-ins - until such time when I feel that it will be a positive experience for me again.  I'm going to be in control from now on - the scales won't control me any more.

And how do I feel right now?  In a word.....liberated.

...and I'm back in the room.

So the big switch took place remarkably smoothly and all my pre-switching worries were unfounded. I am now enjoying high-speed fibre broadband and TV on demand, although inevitably I would quickly build up a vast library of recordings in a short space of time.  The Rio Olympics are finishing this weekend but will live on for a few more days at EuropeCrazy HQ as I work through my backlog of through-the-night recordings!

In other news, this week has brought a little bit of clarity in what has been a very damaging few months. I am finally beginning to pull myself out of the slump and taking an interest in life again, although other personal circumstances are still very dark and sad, but I won't say any more about that out of respect to loved ones.

Regular readers of this blog will be well aware of my cycle of weight gain and emotional highs and lows so I won't go into all that again.  However, between now and the end of the year I will once again be embarking on a healthy eating/fitness regime to try and salvage something from 2016, an otherwise horrible year.

There will be no gym memberships or organised diets, no targets, no pressure, no major expectations. Just common sense and keeping a food diary.  It will also mean the return of the weekly Friday weigh-ins at work: my colleague and fitness guru advised me that these are going to continue until Christmas, so it's never too late to start again.

Update to follow on Friday 26.08.16 when hopefully there will be good news to report!

Those pre-switching blues

Forgive me for feeling more than a little agitated tonight, but as the date of the "big switch" is approaching I thought it was worth a blog post.

Having recently made the decision to "future-proof" my television, phone and broadband service, I'm also well aware that I'm taking a bit of a risk.  If mum was still here she would be fighting this with a vengeance.  She was always of the view that you should have separate services rather than combine all services from one provider.  However I have had problems with my TV recordings over recent months and after years of a good-but-not-great broadband service, I felt that the time was right to move on.

I want to embrace new ways of watching television and recently realised that my broadband was clearly not up to the job, so after 18 years (!) I'm finally parting with my ISP and going with a new provider.  It's a bittersweet parting of the ways as I can honestly say that over that time I've been lucky enough to have a very reliable internet connection, firstly as dial-up and then on to broadband, with only a couple of exceptions. Which isn't bad for 18 years.  But I now need to upgrade.

Long before "on demand" viewing became a thing, I was recording TV shows and watching them at a more suitable time, firstly on video and then on HDD and TV recorder.  Now, I'm impressed by the idea of watching TV on demand in new ways: either via the internet or on catch-up - with a view towards eventually subscribing to Netflix - and I'll get the best out of that with a high-speed broadband connection.  And then of course there is the highlight of every year, Eurovision national finals season, so I'm making sure that my high speed broadband is up to scratch before the 2017 adventure begins.

But my life being what it is, I'm well aware that the course of installation doesn't always run smoothly. In the bigger scheme of things I suppose this is a pretty irrelevant thing to get worried about but I'm naturally feeling very anxious. Being late to the "switching" party, with the same providers for years, I can only hope that in these "always on" days that there are no problems and I'm not left without a service for too long.

I've spend recent weeks getting my backlog of recordings down and realised that I need to get better at not letting recordings mount up.  And for everything else, that will be taken care of by my DVD box set Christmas wish list :)  So much for reducing the backlog!

Anyway I will see you on the other side, hopefully in a few days all being well!

Gardening solutions for the garden from hell

The combination of 'summertime sadness' and a lack of energy and anything approaching fitness meant that the gardening a.k.a. damage limitation has been neglected even more than usual.  But then this entered my life....

...a cordless grass and hedge trimmer, which I got a good deal on, and which genuinely provided one of those "where have you been all my life?" moments.  Regular readers of this blog over the years will be familiar with my gardening trials and tribulations (living in an area which is an extension of  a public park and therefore it's impossible to maintain anything approaching a decent garden).  High grass and weeds are a fact of life where we live, even for the householders who have invested in paving/slabs, only for them to be covered over by the aforementioned high grass/weeds.

To get the best out of this equipment you need to purchase a separate compatible handle (which cost almost as much as the cordless trimmer!).  It may feel like you're 'digging the desert with a spoon' in a huge, sprawling garden but it certainly gets results, effortlessly cutting through high grass, weeds and hedges.  Having had weeks of constant rain, the high grass hadn't had the chance to dry out but again this was no obstacle to the magic machine.  Eventually we had a couple of days without rain, sufficient time to dry out the grass and this enabled me to cut it with the lawnmower.

This summer may have been a write-off in so many ways, but at least I now have the tools to make a very difficult job much easier.  

Right idea, wrong time

As a follow-up to my previous post, I finally made the decision to quit the gym.  As with every decision I make, it involved a lot of soul-searching and list-making...! At the moment, I am nowhere near ready to return, my health is shockingly below par and it's going to take a long time before I'm back in shape, but it's a vicious circle - need to go to the gym to get fit, but not fit enough to go to the gym.  I feel like one of those "Biggest Loser" contestants when they've just entered the ranch and are falling to pieces when they take their first steps on the treadmill.

In  an act of self-compassion, I'm not going to call the great gym experiment a 'failure'; it was just the right idea but the wrong time.  Just another speed bump on the road to fitness.  And boy oh boy, has this summer been the wrong time.  So what comes after the last chance saloon?  Another round, I guess...

Having been here in this situation so many, many times over the last few years, the most important thing is that no matter how overweight or unfit you are, that every day is a new start, a clean sheet and another chance.  I'm not going to say that I'm going to lose (x) amount of pounds or inches in (x) weeks or months; that just puts the pressure on.  Life at the moment is tough enough without all that self-inflicted pressure and unrealistic expectations.

I mentioned self-compassion earlier in this post.  I've been reading a lot about this and feel it's something I need to practice more of, as I often give myself a tough time for stupid things, particularly over the past couple of years.  Last year and this year have been rotten for so many reasons. both personally and on a wider scale, for this country and for the world.  And from the personal to the global, there is no sign of things getting better any time soon.  Compassion, it seems, is in short supply.  We need so much more of it - for ourselves and for others.

So I'm aiming for fitness but at a very slow and manageable pace.  No dieting, no gym, but sensible eating, making good choices, and exercise on my own terms.  I used to call it my "Frank Sinatra Diet". (I did it my way!) So in the words of the great man himself, "start spreading the news" because hopefully "the best is yet to come" ! :)

EDIT 31.07.16: Unfortunately I plummeted again.  Self-sabotage, binge eating, and maybe the realisation that I've been going through a little bit of a depression without really acknowledging this. I want to be well again, but right now I'm not in a good place.

Summer Fitness Plan 2016: Oops.

I haven't been to the gym for 4 weeks.  2 of those weeks were spent recovering from that horrible shoulder/pectoral injury, which only began to ease off during our short break in Wales, and in the remaining weeks I have had the most spectacular fall off the fitness wagon, returning to old binge-eating habits and now feel further away than ever from the healthy living mindset.  

And then there was the massive weight gain in just 4 weeks.  I'm not going to say how much, but even by my gain-weight-quickly standards, it shocked me.  What has also shocked me is how quickly my fitness has deteriorated again.  Last week I was running for a train and literally couldn't go any further.  The pain in my legs has returned and even getting back on the exercise bike at home last night was a trial.  All of these facts are telling me that things have to change.  Now. 

Inevitably I have done much soul-searching over the past week about where it all goes from here.  Do I quit the gym and go back to exercising at home?  Do I stick to my original plan of going to the gym until September and then continue at home?  Am I well enough to even go to the gym? It's been a tough decision to make.  But I wouldn't want to give up so quickly without having had the chance to prove that I can make progress.  I don't want to pay for a membership which I'm not using either.  

The one thing I have decided on is to ditch the weekly weigh-ins.  These have placed unnecessary pressure on me to lose weight every week, and quite frankly life is too short to worry about something so insignificant.  

As for the gym, my first two months have been a stop-start time.  More stop than start.  But every day is a new day and a new start.  In all my years of writing about dieting and fitness on here, I've lost count of the fresh starts and the last chances.  But as long as I live and breathe, there is one more last chance.  I can't be stupid though and rush into something too quickly only to get injured again.  

So I have decided to return to the gym in the next few days and will take things very slowly indeed; I need to try to salvage yet another "big fat summer" before it goes completely out of control.  

One year

They say that as you get older, time passes more quickly.  That is so true.  Time seems to be rushing away at the speed of light.  I have been blogging for just over 9 years and they have gone by in a blur. And the same can be said for the last 12 months.

One year ago, on 2 July 2015, my mum passed away. So after all the other first year milestones - Christmas, new year, her birthday - this is the last one.  The anniversary.  My mum wasn't big on birthdays and even death anniversaries weren't really marked.  Her view was that there's nothing special about an anniversary; you miss someone every single day, you remember them every single day, and therefore it's just another date on the calendar.  Yet it was impossible to ignore, although if I'm honest, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  The sadness really kicked in from Tuesday to Thursday of the past week, as I relived her admission to hospital and her death 48 hours later.

After last July, the next 52 weeks were a learning process as well as a grieving one.  Learning to live on my own, learning the basics of running a house from day to day - the easiest things often turned out to be the hardest, and vice versa.  But I am getting there, slowly but surely.  I just need to find a way to address the binge-eating which I have turned to over the past year. But that's for another day...

Summer Fitness Plan 2016: week 7 recap

This is the week where it all went wrong.

After an extended visit to the gym where I just got a little too enthusiastic with some of the weight machines, I managed to pick up a nasty shoulder/pectoral injury.  For most of the past week I've been in excruciating pain and needless to say the fitness regime is on hold until I'm feeling better.

I didn't weigh-in this week as I've also struggled to eat healthily, for various reasons.

This week has been a shocking and sad week not only for this country and for the world, but also on a personal level.  Dark times.

The summer 2016 fitness regime is on hold for now, so I won't be posting updates on here until it resumes, whenever that will be.

Summer Fitness Plan 2016: week 6 recap

So that's another week over, and more success to report in spite of working not too hard (and having a few treats).

After last week's brilliant weight loss I didn't expect another successful week - so it was a bigger surprise to learn yesterday that I had lost another pound, making it a 5½ lbs weight loss over 2 weeks. Which I'm delighted about, but I still can't really see where it's happening as I don't feel thinner, really.

Where it is having an impact is in my fitness levels.  I'm slowly getting back to pre-2014 levels of fitness, and I can't describe just how important it is to get through every day without constant pain in every step I take.

I returned to the gym this week and my confidence is continuing to grow.  It's fascinating to watch the "fitness junkies" do their thing but I just wonder how they remain motivated if they achieve all their goals?  I guess they just set the bar higher.  My goals are much smaller though, but that will do for me.  I doubt if I'd ever become one of those gym-obsessives, like that woman I see regularly at 7.30 am, hammering the hell out of the treadmill :)

There is a limit to all this, though.  I'm going to cancel my membership at the end of September, by which time I'm hoping to have got back to "the old me" with a sufficient level of fitness to continue my efforts at EuropeCrazy HQ over the winter months and beyond.  That's the plan.

There is less good news to report on the swimming front though: going swimming before work seemed like a good idea, but one of the "oldies" put me in my place yesterday and told me in no uncertain terms that this was the time for the "real swimmers" and I was taking up valuable lane-swimming space by hanging out at the side of the pool doing my aqua-aerobics.  (Bearing in mind that half of the pool is already closed-off for lessons/lane swimming - AT 7.30 AM!) Which is very disappointing, as in last week's post I was very positive about the older people frequenting the pool; unfortunately they turned out to be more exclusive and elitist than I could ever have expected.  I replied by stating that this was the only time I could go to the pool as I-WORK-FOR-A-LIVING-AND-THIS-IS-THE-ONLY-TIME-I-CAN-GO-FOR-A-SWIM-BECAUSE-THE-POOL-IS-OFF-LIMITS-IN-THE-EVENING-FOR-SWIMMING-LESSONS-AND-CLUBS (subtext: you can swim here anytime....) but to be honest, I've had enough of it really.  Apart from the comments of the oldie-swimming-mafia, the practicalities of fitting in swimming before work are, well, not very practical. So if/when I do return to the pool, it will be at the weekend when all I have to worry about are kids splashing around - my pet hate, and the reason I went pre-work swimming in the first place - but hey, that's as good as it gets.  Unless of course someone comes up to me and helpfully advises that I am taking up their splashing-space. Whatever.

So in the meantime I am devoting all my efforts to the gym, where no-one's going to come up to me and helpfully advise that I am in their treadmill-space.

Cleaning out my closet 2015-2016: the results

When I came home from work today there were a couple of letters from Cancer Research UK for me among the usual bills and junk mail.

As part of my ongoing decluttering exercise at EuropeCrazy HQ - now on hold for a little summer break - over the past year I filled a number of bags of perfectly good clothing which was either too small/too big/too 'what was I thinking'? and took them to our local Cancer Research charity shop.

I never thought any more of it until today when I received those letters, which advised that the sale of my clothes had raised just under £150 (including Gift Aid) for the charity.  Although I still have many reservations about how various charities are unnecessarily wasting money, I can only hope that this little contribution will benefit someone, somewhere, battling this horrific illness which touches everyone's lives.

Summer Fitness Plan 2016: week 5 recap

Everything comes to she who waits.

Well, it's only Thursday and I'm a few days early with this one, but...when the news is this good, you just have to share it.

I weighed in today instead of tomorrow, (as I'm off work tomorrow) to discover a very happy shock indeed - I have lost 4½ lbs this week!  No....I didn't believe it either!  I can't ever remember losing this much weight in a week.  We are doing these informal weigh-ins at work until September - and I was advised that I was "slimmer of the week" so far.  All this is completely new to me and you'd have thought I'd won the lottery with my reaction to that news! What an amazing way to start my long weekend :)

So what happened this week?

On Monday and Tuesday my legs gave up, as they struggled to recover from that intensive gym-and-swim workout on Sunday.  Some serious muscular pain going on, which prevented me returning to the gym until yesterday for yet another before-work session.  It's quite surprising just how busy the gym is at 7.30am, and I wasn't too happy to discover that my newly-discovered spinning bikes and rowing machine were being monopolised by other gym-goers!!

But that aside, there were some small victories yesterday.  I managed a little more time on the Arc Trainer, which, to the uninitiated is a more do-able variation on the cross trainer, which remains out of my league.  For now, anyway :)

This morning I tried something new: I decided to try a pre-work swim.  A few weeks ago I bought one of those "swim dresses" but it wasn't very practical in the pool if I'm honest.  So I found something else a couple of weeks ago which proved to be an alternative solution for my self-consciousness about wearing a swimsuit....This is something called a "boyleg swimsuit" which doesn't really sound too appealing - but it absolutely does the job.

I mentioned a "swim" but my new strategy in the pool is actually more improvised aqua-aerobics in order to build up my upper body and leg strength before moving on to, hopefully, bigger and better things.

So 20 minutes in the pool gets me leg and arm stretches, star jumps, bounces, dog-paddles, leg kicks and all kinds of variations on the aqua-aerobic theme.  Between the pool and the gym, what has really surprised me is that my confidence is growing by the week.  That initial "walk of doom" from the changing room to the gym or the pool is now just the most natural thing.  Since I took out my membership, what has particularly fascinated me is the number of older people at the gym and the pool.  I had worried it would be full of the young, fit, "beautiful people" who would leave me feeling more intimidated, inadequate, overweight and well, just plain "old".  But that's not the case.  Instead, I've found myself among a whole new set of role models, possibly 10/15 years older than I am.  I ended up chatting to an older couple this morning in the pool, who would have put much younger swimmers to shame.  They, and many of the other people I have encountered in the past four weeks, inspire me to do so much better.  In a very youth-centric society, they should be an inspiration to us all.

And my worries about doing exercise as a solitary activity when everyone has an exercise-buddy with them, have proved unfounded.  Stick your iPod on, with a playlist of dance bangers, and you quickly forget how self-conscious you feel about being at the gym on your own.

Most importantly: I'm enjoying this new fitness regime, to the point where I'm perfectly happy to change my whole routine, get up early and go to the gym before work, and eagerly planning my next gym/swim session.

My plan in the coming week is to build on what I've achieved so far and try and fit in some extra sessions.  Eventually I am hoping to do some exercise classes, which will be another mountain to climb, battling the fear of going to a group-activity on my own, but I won't go down that road yet until I have reached another level of fitness where I'll be confident enough to participate at a decent level.

In the meantime...onwards to another week of healthy eating and exercise!  Although there will be some interruptions along the way :)

Summer Fitness Plan 2016: week 4 recap

Four weeks in and one thing is very clear: my body is working against me and sabotaging itself.  In the past four weeks there has been one very bad fall and some accident-prone bumps and bruises along the way.  Finally, just a few days ago I accidentally bashed my left knee off my desk drawer pedestal at work, resulting in a lot of pain.

I also had a very busy week at home which meant that I never made it to the gym at all, however increased my walking to a minimum of 2 miles per day.  I also got back on the exercise bike to try and pedal the pain away.

And then there was the dieting.  I had a very good week, eating all the right things and cutting out the junk food. So by the time my Friday weigh-in came, I expected, finally, some good results.

Wrong.

For I had gained 2½ lbs.  In one week.  I don't even gain as much as that on holiday.  In previous weeks, I felt pretty downhearted about gaining, or not losing.  This week I just felt angry and frustrated, and wanting to just ditch it all for good.  My boss suggested that the gain was probably due to building muscle, whilst one of my friends at work helpfully suggested that because I am now three years menopausal (which in itself caused a huge weight gain and a major down-turn in my physical and emotional health) and "of a certain age" that I might want to start feeling happy in my own skin and accept that this is how it's going to be from now on.  I can understand that; people's bodies do change, and having gained a ridiculous amount of weight over a very short period of time, maybe it wasn't all just comfort eating. Maybe middle-age spread is a thing after all.

But I can't even blame genetics - no-one in my family is even remotely overweight, both my mum and gran were very slim at my age.  And then I see people at the gym, who are a lot older than I am, who are in very good shape indeed. So I'm not giving up just yet, although dieting continues to depress me if I'm honest. Especially when it's not bringing results.

So a new week starts here - will this be the week when that turnaround finally happens? Answers in 7 days. In the meantime, in the immortal words of Rihanna it's time to work-work-work-work-work....

Update:  An hour after writing this post, I returned to the gym for a 45 minute workout, followed by some improvised aqua-aerobics and a brief attempt at a swim - I managed a breadth of the pool (don't laugh, that was a major achievement!).  That session this afternoon was very important: I tried out some new equipment including the rowing machine and a spinning bike.  I also realised how much I like being at the gym, and that there is genuine enjoyment there rather than it feeling like a chore. Which is something to build on in the coming weeks.

Summer Fitness Plan 2016: week 3 recap

I didn't do a recap last week as it was a total write-off: I had a bit of a pain-relapse after my fall, so the gym was a non-starter.  And then it was Eurovision week, so everything else had to wait!

I started building up my fitness again at home and the pain eased off enough for my long-awaited return to the gym at the start of this week.  Since I always feel very tired when I come home from work, my bright idea was to go to the gym first thing in the morning, before going to work.  That originally sounded quite ambitious but it worked for me.  Even at 7.30 am, the fitness fanatics are pounding the treadmill, or giving it the full Sir Bradley Wiggins on the exercise bikes, and as for the weight-training area....well the less said the better.  Then this out-of-shape, unfit, middle-aged woman walks into the room, and she just feels like a square peg in a round, super-fitness-shaped hole.  But everyone has to start somewhere.  I quickly turned my fear into this aloof gym persona, where I just walked through the door with my head held high, and my iPod on, with a "gym playlist" packed full of 'dance bangers', ready to tackle my half-hour workout.

I repeated my early morning visit on Thursday morning, and by then my confidence had increased a little, although I still feel uncomfortable entering the weight-training area....anyway that didn't put me off the shoulder press and leg curl machines.  My favourite at the moment is the leg press, because I'm trying to build up strength in my legs and reduce the constant pain which has been a side-effect of that huge weight gain of the past couple of years.

Apart from the gym visits, I was back into dieting-mode this week, so what could go wrong?  Well, I gained weight.  Half a pound to be precise.  Which I'm really not too bothered about, it's only half a pound.  So we'll call it muscle mass :)

Summer Fitness Plan 2016: week 1 recap

Well, a lot has happened in the past 7 days.  The story so far...

I took out a membership at the local sports centre last weekend.  On Monday I had a day off work and thought I'd use it constructively.  First stop, the pool, for an aqua-aerobics class to ease myself in. That really did the trick, although it's tougher than it looks to do all those exercise moves in the water!  I also had a few stretches in the pool to help loosen up some very stiff leg muscles.  A quick trip to the sauna and then home for a while before returning to the sports centre for a pre-arranged gym induction.

I have always found the idea of going to a gym to be very intimidating, so it was an achievement even walking through that door.  However it wasn't long before I was trying out all the various machines.  As I have an exercise bike at home, it was good to try out some variations including a recumbent bike.  The cross-trainer was more difficult than I remember, as my co-ordination is not the best!

Having left the gym feeling a little tired, but also with a feeling of triumph that I'd plucked up the courage to go, I headed home.  However, shortly after returning home I had a nasty fall in the house which resulted in excruciating pain and some horrible bruises all over my legs.  So I could forget a quick return to the gym and the pool will have to wait until those bruises have cleared up.

Happily, the pain didn't last too long (although I'm still badly bruised so can forget the pool for a while) and I was back in the gym on Thursday, trying out some more of the equipment.  My fitness journey has a long, long way to go, but I've made a start.

Since coming back from holiday I've been trying to eat healthily.  It was a very pleasant surprise to discover that I'd lost 1¼ lbs since my last weigh-in before our holiday.

This week: hoping to slot in a couple of trips to the gym in-between what is going to be a very busy week indeed.  Not only is it Eurovision week but there's lots of other stuff going on as well.

Doing the thing I said I'd never do...

Regular readers of this blog over recent years will be well aware of my numerous efforts to lose weight and get fit.  But here we are almost halfway through 2016 already, and I have now reached a point where the most drastic measures are required.  Prior to my holiday in Madrid, I had started dieting again and weighing-in every week.  After just a couple of weeks it had already taken its toll on my emotional wellbeing.  Can dieting make you feel depressed?  In my case it did, and pushed me completely over the edge, turning me into an anxious wreck.  Yes, that's what two weeks of dieting did to me.    

One major fact became clear: just as in 2010/2011 when I had my most successful phase of weight loss, I combined healthy eating with exercise.  But fast-forward a few years and it's all very different. My fitness levels are at rock bottom and my weight is the highest it's ever been.  The past two years have taken a horrible toll on my mental and physical health.  I have reached a stage where I now need help and support to get back to an acceptable level of fitness.

So today, I did the thing which I said I'd never do.  I took out a membership at the local sports centre, which includes the gym, swimming and fitness classes; the plan is to get stuck in over the next 4 calendar months and see where it goes from there.  Hoping that my fitness level is in a better place by the end of August and I can then cancel the membership and go back to doing my own exercising at home.

Today I bought a fab new swimsuit, one of those "swim dress" things which cover a multitude of flabby bits!!  Looking forward to getting back in the shallow end with my hilarious attempts at "swimming" which is more like aqua-aerobics really (!)

In the meantime I'm keeping the healthy eating and weigh-ins going, but I'm not going to get so stressed about it this time as there will be the mood-boost provided by all that exercise, fingers crossed :)

Progress reports on my Summer 2016 Fitness Plan to follow on here every Sunday from now until the end of August.

The gambler!

Apart from the annual office sweepstake on the Grand National, I have never been inclined towards betting on horses or indeed gambling in general.  There are a number of personal reasons why I have been anti-gambling throughout my life, because I have seen up close how it has had a devastating impact on people's lives and relationships.

However, last year I decided to nervously dip my toe into the waters of the Eurovision betting market and put bets on a few songs. I managed to win some money however due to my naivety on how each-way betting worked, among other things, I ended up with a very small deficit due to the money which I bet on the other songs. 

This year I have decided to make my return to the ESC betting scene.  I've learned lessons from last year and have bet some very small amounts on a few songs to win or place in Stockholm.  Of course that will probably be the kiss of death and none of them will make top 5, but you never know! I'm not telling you which ones I've bet on - all will be revealed after the contest.  

Anyway back to the office sweepstake.  There seems to be a bit of gambling-mania in my office so all the tickets went very quickly and I missed out on a horse this year.  Then I thought, why not apply the small-bets rule which I've used for Eurovision songs and put a couple of quid on the National?  So I had a look at the list of horses and picked out three of them, putting a very small amount on each and not expecting to win anything.  One was called Gallant Oscar, one was called Goonyella, and being the long-time Take That fan that I am, I just had to choose Rule The World.

So you can imagine my excitement when Rule The World won the Grand National yesterday and Goonyella came 5th!  My combined winnings = £20, which may not seem like much to some of you, but I'm delighted considering the extremely small stake which I put on the three horses.  (Gallant Oscar wasn't so gallant after all). 

I guess you'd call it beginners luck! I'm going to spend my winnings on something special for myself. After all, it's money that I never had before, so I'm treating it like a gift and closing that gambling door again until next year's Grand National.  I'll do the same with Eurovision - if I'm lucky enough to win, then it's treat time, and that will be that, until ESC 2017. 

In the words of Kenny Rogers, you gotta "know when to walk away" from gambling.  So if that's your thing, please gamble responsibly!

In with (some more of) the new

Since my last post on here, my home-improvement efforts have continued - that's when I've not been too exhausted to function.  So there was lots of painting and decorating and preparation for having new carpeting fitted in the hall and staircase last week.  Nevertheless I'm quite happy with how much I've managed to get done over the first three months of the year.  That was the plan - to do as much as I could in those dark winter months so that by the time our "summer" comes, I can put my feet up and take it easy.  When I'm not involved in the damage-limitation of so-called gardening of course :)

There is still so much to be done at home: but it's a challenge when you do all your own painting/decorating/DIY, especially if you work full-time in a mentally demanding job, you're not as young as you used to be, and your fitness levels are a long, long way from ideal.  So I'm taking a little break from the paintbrushes and returning to the keyboard over the next couple of weeks to clear that backlog of outstanding blog posts over at EuropeCrazy  before we head off on our spring holiday (destination known and to be revealed soon)

There is also the small matter of getting fit again.  There has been no dieting, no exercising, and I haven't been in the best place emotionally so there was comfort eating.  Lots of it.  Not a good thing. But it's only April, so I've got 6 months to get in shape before the big summer holiday (destination completely unknown at this time!)

Year of change (part 2)

Just as a follow-up to that last post: over the last two weeks, I made some very radical changes to the living room - every piece of furniture disappeared, either to charity shops or to be uplifted by the council.  Seven days ago, my new sofa and chair arrived - very comfortable they are too! - and a few days later they were joined by new sideboards and cabinets and a new fireside rug.  It has been a very hectic few weeks and the upheaval almost matched that of moving house :( and as for painting and decorating the staircase, well this was much more challenging than I'd imagined.

However it's only the beginning and there is so much more to do, but I'm taking a well-earned rest for the next week or two before picking up the paintbrushes once again.

As I said in the last post, it's a year of change.  And some of these changes have been very drastic and sudden, with some unexpected results.  Things have happened to other people and this has left me feeling a bit shocked and sad, and disappointed.  I have so many feelings running around my head about that whole situation, I can't really write about them here, but suffice to say that I'm trying to come to terms with some big changes in my daily life.  I guess you can't really change things which are outwith your control, but I just need to find some new strategies to deal with new situations, or at least to carry on with the calm attitude which got me through recent weeks.

One very positive change in my life has been the opportunity to rebuild some family relationships, and that seems to be going well.

But overall, at the moment, all I feel is exhaustion from that very busy start to the year, and right now I feel a bit sadder than I've been in a while.  But it will pass.

A year of change (and it's only January)

OK so January is almost over, but already it's had some drastic effects to say the least.   There have been dark moments (a couple of my friends have been unwell) and there are major changes afoot in my working environment in the coming weeks which will have a major impact.  2016 - I'm still having problems coming to terms with the fact that it's 2016! - has also brought some positive stuff too.  

For the first time in years I'm not solely focusing on "the dieting" as a new year begins - but I have kicked off the new year in a more productive way than I could have ever imagined, finally beginning to tackle those long overdue painting and decorating jobs - they have been a trial! - and revamping my home with the addition of new furniture over the next couple of weeks, followed by some new carpeting and the biggest decluttering exercise in years.  Yes, people, I have become something I never thought I'd become - a home-improvement bore :(

I'm spending my last night sitting on that very uncomfortable sofa which along with my two chairs (all being well) will be uplifted tomorrow, before the much more comfortable new sofa and chair are due to be delivered in a few days' time.  

The passport photo

Yesterday I submitted to the 10-yearly ritual of having my passport photo taken, with predictably depressing results.  The 2006 photo at least still had something remotely youthful about it, although in retrospect the impulsive black hair maybe wasn't such a good idea as I spent the subsequent 10 years on every shade of the hair colour spectrum with everything from bright orange to my current toned down mix of auburn/mid-brown hair.

Looking at my new photo which will represent me on my passport for the next 10 years, I can't help but feel more than a little bit depressed.  For I have puffy lines on my cheeks which weren't there before, and I just look....well, I just look old, and tired.  Now despite being fortunate enough to have inherited those fabulous genes from my mum and my gran which means that I can get away with looking, well, at least a few years younger than my real age, the passport photo completely overturns that theory.

As if that wasn't bad enough, I had to push up my trademark long fringe, as per passport photo guidelines, so that didn't please me either.  But rules are rules, so I'll just have to live with that.

On the positive side, the passport photo is a necessary evil of a new passport, which, fingers crossed, means travel opportunities ahead (health and finances permitting of course) and more holidays to write about over at http://europecrazy.blogspot.com.

Life means all that it ever meant, it is the same that it ever was

It's Christmas Eve today, I've been on holiday from work yesterday and today, with a mixture of housework, relaxation and naturally some seasonal overindulgence.  This morning I placed the presents under the tree, and what a nice array they are too.  Tonight I'll have my traditional visit from Santa (who looks suspiciously like faithful travelling companion) and we will exchange our presents. Just a normal Christmas Eve then.

Only it's not.  For it is another one of those milestones.  My first Christmas without my mum.  I was dreading it, but surprisingly I am getting through it.  Why?  Well, because along with all the love and kindness she gave me, she also instilled the self-sufficiency and resilience which were a very strong aspect of her personality - and which she also inherited from her mother.  It's those qualities which have kicked in over the past few months and enabled me to deal with the unbearable grief and loss, and also given me the strength to get on with life.  In the same way that my mum did after my gran died.  Because that's what we do: it is our own way of grieving.  Life goes on, and it is to be lived.

We all grieve in different ways, but we still grieve.  Because there isn't a minute of the day when I don't think about her.  There isn't a moment when I don't miss my best friend.  We had so much fun together.  I miss the laughs, and the daft nonsense, the swearing-like-a-trooper at the TV, and of course her love-hate relationship with the Eurovision Song Contest.  There is just this constant emptiness and a feeling of "going through the motions".  But I am adjusting to living on my own, slowly but surely.  New memories are to be made.

But maybe the reason that I don't feel so alone is that I still feel her spirit, her presence here with me. And when I have a good day, I tell her.  When I have a bad day, I tell her that too.  And tomorrow - Christmas Day - I will be going out with faithful travelling companion and his mum for Christmas dinner; a new happy memory to be made.  And there's plenty of other things to keep me going over the next few days - blogging, tweeting and watching foreign telly to name three.  And with Twitter, I'm never alone :)

Among the many sympathy cards I received in the summer, one particularly stood out as it had a poem which particularly resonated with me.  It made me cry floods but it also made me smile too, because every word is so true and I have revisited it many times and taken so much comfort from it over the past 5 months.  And it has helped me to work through my own grief, and helped me to understand that it is ok to smile, and laugh, for she will always be alive in my heart.  If you are reading this post, I hope you can take comfort from this poem too.

An ill week, a happy day, and finally cracking Christmas

If this blog is turning into a rather gloom-laden place then please accept my apologies; rest assured that I want to take it in a more upward direction in the weeks and months to come.

But the past seven days have been an extremely miserable place as last Thursday I fell victim to yet another horrible viral infection, a very similar one to that which I had in June, which had its usual 'leftovers' which left me struggling to get through the week, battling a constant cough as well as the usual sinus hell which these things always leave me with.  As if that wasn't bad enough, my eyes decided to come out in sympathy on Monday. So we can add conjunctivitis to an already growing ailment list.  On a totally shallow note, the worst thing about the eye infection was that I had to go eye make-up free to work for two whole days.  The horror of it! :))  My boss, who I can also luckily call my great friend, had a good chuckle at my predicament, but then she can get away with anything!!

Today I woke up and the red-eye was gone.  Normal Laura was resumed, my trademark eyeliner and mascara back on, and if I can just shake off this horrible post-viral cough all will be well once more. The down-side of the past week has been a loss of appetite and struggling to eat, which is definitely not like me!

For various other reasons, today was a very good day.  I won't go into all of it, as it involves other people whose privacy will remain private, but their happy news made me very happy too.  I also had a brilliant trip to the theatre today, review to turn up eventually (definitely before Christmas) over at EuropeCrazy.

I'm beginning to feel like I'm finally cracking Christmas.  The whole Christmas card writing, and accompanying letters which I always send at this time of year, has turned out to be more therapeutic than I first thought.  I am triggering/grasping opportunities to re-establish broken family links because life is too short and I'm quite frankly fed up of meeting people only at funerals rather than on happier/normal occasions.  I don't know where it's all going but at least I can say that I tried :)

December thoughts

Regular readers of this blog won't fail to have noticed my numerous attempts at trying to lose weight and get fit, whether via an official plan or doing my own thing.

Over recent weeks I've been doing a bit of stocktaking of my life: the things I want or need to change, and also recognising the things which hold me back, particularly through the dark and cold winter months.  I came to the conclusion that I don't need the additional stress of tracking everything I eat and weighing myself every week, especially when I'm in the midst of fluctuating emotions whilst dealing with the winter months - always a danger point for my mental health, and when you pile on the big post-bereavement milestone: Christmas, then something has to be done.

So I have decided to ditch "the dieting", not just for the moment, but for good.  For it is just one more stress I can do without.  Sometimes a little thing is the tipping point for a big decision.  In my case it was a workmate's birthday recently, when there was some delicious home-made cake on the go.  (One of my friends/colleagues is a fabulous baker and she also baked a cake when it was my birthday).  Suddenly I went into "dieting mode" and initially declined the cake.  But then something happened.  For at that moment I decided - why not?  My most successful non-official-dieting phases have resulted from a combination of moderation and exercise.  When I could have my cake and eat it.

The kind of low I'm experiencing now is different from this time last year: where last year was damaging and dangerous at least I had mum.  Now, all I feel is emptiness and a sense of going through the motions every day.  It's as if my feelings and emotions have been ripped out.  It's only when I'm with faithful travelling companion that I'm brought back to life.

Strangely enough, I seem to have morphed into the 'old me' at work, the person who used to be quite upbeat and chirpy. That's maybe just my way of repaying the kindness which everyone has shown me over the last 5 months, and maybe just my way of dealing with day-to-day life.

I had a day off work today and put up the Christmas tree.  Mum was very particular about how the lights were put on the tree, and how the baubles were arranged.  Well, there may have been a slight dip in quality control (and sorry mum, but there's probably a million things I can do better than putting lights on a tree) but hopefully she'll have approved.

We don't have a 'colour scheme' and some of the baubles even date back to the 70s and 80s (yes!) but it will always be "our" tree. Things won't really change this Christmas.  Like mum, I was never really into having a lot of decorations up, so apart from the tree there's only a few little ornaments around the fireplace, including mum's favourite little wind-up snow globe (below) which plays "White Christmas".

The next big task will be sorting out the Christmas card list, something which was always mum's "job" so I'm not really looking forward to it.  At least the cards and stamps are bought.  I've been pretty organised this year and concluded the Christmas shopping by the end of November.

In between all this festive planning, I am looking to the future.  Over recent weeks I started doing up the house, and this will continue in the coming months. Last week I went sofa shopping with successful results - so it will be out with the completely uncomfortable three-piece suite and in with a very comfy sofa and chair in the next 3 months or so.  New furniture and carpets will be purchased, and there is a lot of painting to be done.  So I'll need to keep myself fit for all this hard work ahead. Which brings me back to my original topic.  Without the pressure of counting, tracking and weighing, I might even enjoy the rest of the winter, with the freedom to eat more of what I want (in moderation of course), but upping the exercise as it will be "time to start paying - in sweat!!"

I'm going solo. Oh no you're not! Oh yes I am!

You will have guessed by the title of this post that it's panto season - oh yes it is!  And even if much of the Christmas hype leaves me cold, then there is one particular Christmas ritual which was always the exception: a trip to a pantomime.  That was always my "big day out" with mum. But this Christmas, as with about 99.9% of everything else in my life, it's going to be different.  For I am going to do something which is either brave or crazy or for many people is probably just a no-no.

For I have decided that I'll be going to a panto on my own, over the festive season.  (And don't worry, all is well with faithful travelling companion but 1) panto's not his thing and 2) he has other commitments on my panto day).

It's very sad that society seems to dictate these 'norms' that everything should be done as a couple, a group or a family.  Perhaps those who dictate these norms are maybe just uncomfortable in their own company.  Why shouldn't you go somewhere on your own?  Why should we be denied the right to enjoy entertainment just because we're unaccompanied? There are reasons why - even if we do have someone to go to the theatre with - it's not always possible to hang out with them on a particular day. (Talking of which, apart from the panto, I will be going to another theatre show before Christmas, again on my own).

My mum had a very refreshing "f***-it" attitude to a lot of things: she was so unconventional in so many ways and I guess that's one part of her personality which I'm glad to have inherited.  And even though it's a daily struggle to adjust to living alone, perhaps I've gathered some strength and courage too as I grow more and more used to my own company.  So although it will probably be difficult, walking into that theatre on my own, when the lights go down, it doesn't matter who you are or who you're with.  And as for filling those awkward minutes during the interval, I've got a survival strategy for that too - oh yes I have! - yay for mobile phones and wi-fi :)))

Christmas Challenge 2015: Week 2 weigh-in

No change.

My weight stayed the same this week - to be honest I'm very disappointed with this result as I've mainly been sticking to the healthy eating plan, and have reintroduced my after-work aerobics sessions.  This has quickly had an impact as my fitness levels are slowly rising.

The challenge for the coming week is to increase my water intake as I know I'm not drinking enough water at the moment.

Despite this week's result, I'm not going to beat myself up about not losing anything - just keep on with the plan and the exercising and see where it takes me.

Christmas Challenge 2015: Week 1 weigh-in

So after restarting Slimming World, and being a very good girl and tracking all my syns, I had high hopes for a decent weight loss this week.

Well, I did lose weight - but only 1lb.  Still I'm not complaining - if this continues over the next few weeks I'd lose half a stone for Christmas - and if I was lucky enough to lose 1lb every week for the next 6 months, I'd almost be back to my target weight. So it's onwards into week 2, with a big focus on exercise this week.  I have no energy at all at the moment, so that really needs to change.

EuropeCrazy's Christmas Challenge starts here!

What's that sound?  Well, it's the sound of the internet (ok then, the 7 or 8 people who still loyally read this blog!) groaning at the thought of yet another one of my attempts to lose weight.  Since I came back from holiday I've made a couple of feeble attempts and joined a pedometer challenge at work which was a real wake-up call - everyone always thinks that I do a lot of walking but I was shocked to discover that most days I didn't manage to achieve the required 10,000 steps a day.

It's just over 7 weeks until Christmas so I'm keen to shift a few pounds and more importantly inches before gluttony season kicks in.  My attempts this year haven't been too successful, but with the year I've had, that doesn't surprise me.  But rather than focusing on failure, I've decided to rewind to a time when I achieved genuine success - the period between autumn 2010 and spring 2011 when I went down to my lowest weight in years and dropped dress sizes. Back then I was on Weight Watchers whereas now I'm on Slimming World.  Both are very good plans but the key thing is to stick to them; over the past few months my commitment hasn't lasted beyond a week (!) so this time it's all about meal planning, food diaries, and the reintroduction of exercise.

Oh an it's weigh-in day tomorrow....

Adventures in wallpapering / Retail therapy

I decided to take a couple of days off work yesterday and today - it's a very nice feeling still to have lots of annual leave left to take by this time of the year.

Over the last couple of weeks I've been gathering painting and decorating supplies together, as I've decided to paint or redecorate almost every part of my house in the coming weeks and months.

First for a new look was my bathroom, which I've treated to a nice new, stylish and modern look with grey/silver tiling-on-a-roll.  After removing the old wallpaper (which turned out to be a bigger challenge than I expected) this revealed a rather damaged wall full of holes and lumps and bumps. I'm not one for blowing my own trumpet but it's nice to discover a new talent for plastering walls!

After all the preparatory work, yesterday was wallpapering day.  When I was growing up, I was very lucky to have two very determined female role models in my life - my gran and my mum - whose basic philosophy in life was self-taught self-sufficiency.  So basically as I got older I learned to sew and make my own clothes, to paint and even fit carpets - although my carpet fitting days are now over (it's too stressful!).

The one thing I was always scared of was wallpapering, something mum and gran did with ease. But when mum and I moved into our current home several years ago, I was thrown in at the deep end and quickly learned this new skill.  But I was never really happy with that old papering job in the bathroom.  And every time I raised the subject with mum, she'd always come back with "there's nothing wrong with it!"

But the fact remained that, apart from being my own biggest critic and constantly striving for better, the bathroom was in need of a new look. I was talking to someone the other week who said that "you'll want to make the house your own" which immediately triggered a Louis Walsh moment :)

Anyway after hours of work - complicated, as you will see, by trying to match the wallpaper's very complex and random tiling layout (pictured above) - the job was finally done.  So please excuse me if I stand back and have a little happy and proud moment, because I'm very happy with how it turned out.  I've said this before, but even though mum's not physically with me, she's definitely with me all the time, guiding me along.  The voice in my head.  Although she always hated grey....

After a hard day's work it was time for a nice dinner last night with faithful travelling companion at one of our fave local eateries :))

Today was all about the October Shopping Trip, something I usually do at this time of year - buying a new winter jacket and new boots, as well as dipping my toes into the bottomless pit that is Christmas shopping!  My heart really goes out to the poor retail staff in a certain very popular card shop who will have to endure the Christmas songs on a repeat loop for the next 9 weeks - for it has started already!

As I've previously mentioned on here, I've gained a horrific amount of weight over the past year and a half and due to one thing or another, it's been pretty impossible to shift.  So it was with some regret that I had to go up yet another size for my new winter jacket (pictured above).  As for the boots, I finally found a pair which happily stretched to accommodate a pair of muscular - not fat! - calves which were always a problem even when I was a couple of stones lighter.

So today was a very productive day!  Back to work tomorrow and then I'm planning the most relaxing weekend in a long time - really need to write some blog posts too :)

The long and the short of it

On Thursday I went to my usual favourite local hairdresser at lunchtime for my occasional haircut. Nothing unusual there, but this time I went for something a bit more drastic than usual.  For most of my adult life I have had long hair, varying in length from just below the shoulder to waist-length, apart from a few years ago when I had all my hair cut into a spiky crop for a couple of years.  Around that time there seemed to be this notion that "you shouldn't have long hair when you are getting older".  But I was only in my mid-30s at the time, but looking back now, it's strange that I should have thought that way.

As the years went on I firmly believed that short hair was not me.  Long hair is versatile, you can style it and wear it a number of ways. But it can also be hard to manage, and when "the change" comes along you are faced with a new challenge - head sweats and soaking hair.  It's uncomfortable, and embarrassing when sweat is pouring out of your head, down your face, running into your eyes and making your eye make-up run. Looking around I now understand why so many women of my own age and older are all walking around with short hair.

On Thursday I sat in the chair in the salon and surprised my stylist with a different request from the usual.  This time round it's not the spiky crop of years ago.  I have never been a fan of the 'bob' haircut - it does look nice on some people but it's not really for me.  So asking for a layered bob was a new departure and a big risk.  But I dismissively chuckled "it's only hair!" as I sat in that chair watching strands of my long hair cascading to the floor.  My hair grows quickly, so at least if I don't like this style then it won't be long until it turns into something more my taste.

I returned to work where my drastic new hairstyle was very well-received.  They seem to be more enthusiastic about it than I am.  Yes, it is a very good haircut, but, well, it's just not me.  I think it makes me look older as well (although I met someone in the street the other day who exclaimed "it takes years off you!").  It's early days, but I can't see myself sticking with this hairstyle in the longer term, so I'm going to grow it out a bit and see what that looks like.  Anyway I'm not going to worry about it.  After all, it's only hair.

Small moments

I meant to blog last week but it's been a very busy week (apart from those outrageously lazy times). My birthday turned out to be a very special occasion.  I'm always at work on my birthday, apart from when it falls at weekends.  All my friends and colleagues at work made it a very special day.  It's as if I could feel this silent acknowledgement that my non-milestone birthday was to be just that bit more special this year than usual, after these horrible few months.  What a happy day I had, with lots of lovely gifts, beautiful cards and kind wishes.  

Of course it goes without saying that faithful travelling companion played a huge role in giving me a very happy birthday! :)

I've decided to throw myself into some major (and long overdue) painting, decorating and home improvement over the next few months, which will provide a major interest/distraction - not to mention some very hard work as I do all my own painting and decorating!  

It's now 14 weeks since I lost my mum.  And it is the small moments which continue to rip me to shreds.  Today my friend went to our GP for her flu vaccination.  And then it hit me hard.  This is October.  This is the month, possibly the week, when I should be taking mum to the doctor's for her flu jab.  But I'm not.  

I have never cried at work since mum died, but today I came pretty close, just because of that small moment.  And when those small moments happen it's like the world crashes to a halt.  But then it starts again, and I hear her voice telling me to get on with life again. 

Milestones

My year seems to be marked out by milestones.  Eurovision season.  Our May spring break.  Our September holiday.  My birthday.  The flu jab.  The inevitable gloom of October to December, and so on.

We have just returned from a fabulous holiday in Mallorca, and I fully intend to publish my holiday diaries over at EuropeCrazy within the next couple of weeks.  Anyway the next milestone is my birthday, this coming Wednesday.  Unfortunately my return to work (after my traditional 2 week September holiday break) comes just before my birthday - I need to get that right one of these years, as everyone seems to take their birthday off :)

It's not a big birthday, but it's a milestone nonetheless.  For it will be my first birthday without my mum.  And even though she didn't make a big thing of birthdays (and Mother's Day was deemed a non-event, as per both mum and gran) I am anticipating that Wednesday is going to be a day of very mixed emotions.

EuropeCrazy's World Of Slimming: Week 12 weigh-in

Forgot to post this yesterday - just a quick post to say that I lost 1lb this week.  Normally I would be delighted with that result, but I felt quite disappointed as I expected more from the combination of following the diet + very punishing fitness regime.  Oh well....onwards :)

EuropeCrazy's World Of Slimming: Week 11 weigh-in

Took a week off weighing in and fell a bit spectacularly off the wagon.  I know I wasn't going to weigh myself for 2 weeks but stepped on the scales this morning and discovered I'd gained 1lb.  I had a 'retail therapy' day off during the week, but forgot just how unforgiving those fitting room mirrors in Next can be!  

Regular readers of this blog will have lost count of the amount of times that drastic measures were required, but I'm at that point yet again.  I already have a lot of fitness equipment at home, but have purchased another couple of fitness-related things and have written up a structured exercise plan for the next few weeks, along with strictly sticking to the Slimming World plan.  I really need to boost my energy for this holiday and for the months ahead

It is very hard to lose weight when you're not in a good place, but my mood has picked up over the past few days so I'm now really focused on making progress.  It's now or never :)

Bad times

It's been 6 weeks now since I lost my mum and, well, it's really kicking in now.  I feel sad, distressed, distracted, and lost.  In the beginning there was important stuff to do, things to be seen to, and not a day went by without some official matter to be dealt with. But now, there is just an undescribable emptiness, and a sadness which is impossible to overcome. Only the love and support of faithful travelling companion, and our impending holiday, is getting me through it all.  But otherwise, over the past couple of weeks I've struggled to get through every day, and this week has been the most overwhelming one yet.  Every moment of every day, I am reminded of how much I miss my best friend.  Particularly when I've had a bad day. In the past I would have come home and she would have given me a big hug and made everything better.  I miss her so much, and getting on with life is turning out to be even more of a challenge than I'd ever imagined.   But that's not really surprising. For it's hard to lose a loved one, but to lose not only your mother but your best friend, whom you've spent your whole life with, is just too much to bear.

Wednesday was particularly difficult, with all the talk at work about arranging a Christmas night out. Regular readers of Random Ramblings will be aware that I struggle with the whole concept of Christmas at the best of times, so needless to say I just can't face the thought of it this year. And I don't do nights out anyway, least of all in a year when my world has fallen apart.  The inevitability of that time of year approaching was enough to tip me over the edge.  There is also one Christmas-related thing which I've been involved in for the last few years, which inevitably dominates (and arguably ruins) the lead-up to the 'festive season' but that is outwith my control,  And I know it's still 19 weeks away, but once you hit August and September then it's downhill all the way.  In past years I've written too much on here about how miserable the lead up to Christmas can be, so I've decided not to mention it so much this year.  And anyway, faithful travelling companion has a plan to get me through Christmas and I'm going with that.

At least I still have blogging to keep me going, so I am planning to publish some outstanding blog posts over at EuropeCrazy in the next week or so, including those long-overdue Eurovision reviews and some other stuff as well.

EuropeCrazy's World Of Slimming: Week 9 weigh-in

Despite a couple of heavy falls off the dieting wagon this week, I was generally quite well-behaved and got a lot of exercise in, resulting in a loss of  another 1½ lbs this week. I'm quite happy with that, although need to step it up a gear or two in the next few weeks so that I can fit into my holiday clothes.

EDIT: I've decided to take a couple of weeks off the weigh-ins.  Going through a bad time at the moment and could do without the added pressure of trying to lose weight every week.  Therefore the next weigh-in will take place on 30th August.

EuropeCrazy's World of Slimming: Week 8 weigh-in

Despite being more "blunderwoman" than "Wonder Woman" this week, as I battled some painful injuries which prevented me from getting on with the exercise regime, I was reasonably well-behaved (apart from a couple of disappointing crisp-eating binges), and stuck to the healthy eating.  I was also able to get on the exercise bike for short periods so all was not lost.

I've lost 1½ lbs this week, which is a very satisfactory result.  I've also been food-planning for the week ahead so that combined with exercise should hopefully ensure another good result next Sunday - but I need to stick to the plan!

Total weight loss since start of plan: 2½ lbs
Total BMI reduction since start of plan: 0.5

EuropeCrazy's World of Slimming: Week 7 weigh-in

I gained 4lbs this week.

That's right, 4lbs.  But it was inevitable, as I fell into the trap of emotional eating to deal with life after mum's death.

This time last week, I had planned to get back on the fitness regime but that was easier said than done. So I have undone practically all my good efforts.  Time to start again.

Total weight loss since start of plan: 1lb
Total BMI reduction since start of plan: 0.2

I have decided to keep this going until December so have a little while yet to turn things around.

EuropeCrazy's World of Slimming: Week 6 weigh-in

Surprisingly my weight stayed the same this week.

It has been a really tough week emotionally and physically, You can't follow a diet when you're struggling to cope with the constant pain of grief and emptiness. Unfortunately I have been binge eating, snacking and craving the "wrong" foods. But that's just emotional eating, and that's what I do when things get too much.  

I am sensible enough to know that this way of dealing with a situation can't go on, particularly because my binge-eating spiralled out of control over the past year, sending my mental health into freefall.  If anything, I owe it to mum to keep myself mentally and physically fit, so for that reason I am going to start working on my fitness as from this week and get back to the eating plan. 

The first days of the rest of my life

After a hectic week of making arrangements, non-stop phone calls and rushing around, I was close to exhaustion.

'Boredom' is not a word which has ever figured in my vocabulary, and there is always so much to do at home.  The list of unfinished jobs, unwatched DVD box sets, unread books etc is long enough to ensure that it'll be a long time before I'm looking for something to do, to occupy my mind.  Then there is the diet/fitness regime which will be crucial; history has shown that when my weight increases and my physical fitness deteriorates, my mental health goes into freefall.  Mum wouldn't want me to end up in that dark place again.

But right now, I don't really want to do very much at all.  I am craving rest, and sleep, and complete relaxation.  I am now knee-deep in grief, and loss, and complete emptiness, and trying to come to terms with how I am going to live without my mum.  I can seem 'fine' and then there are sudden, explosive moments of painful sobbing.  And while I have taken great comfort from everyone's love and support since it happened, the fact remains that I can't go and and tell her any more about something I wanted to share with her.  Bus journeys just got a lot bleaker, because I can't phone her to tell her I'm coming home.  There are so many situations which I won't be able to share with her any more.  Last night I wondered if I would ever be happy again, or to be more precise, would I ever have the right to be happy again?  But then I keep remembering mum's letter to me, and her telling me to get on with my life and not be sad.  And I am not alone - I have faithful travelling companion, and my life is filled with love.

I am going back to work tomorrow.  Some people have questioned this decision, but I don't feel that it will do me any good to take more time off.  Since my mum passed away, the loneliest moments have been those spent on my own, at home.  Talking to people, something I've always found very difficult, has suddenly become easier, and the interaction with others has been a comfort.  It has taken tragic circumstances to make me realise just how much my work colleagues and friends care about me, and I will never forget their kindness.  So that's the reason why I'm going back tomorrow.

EuropeCrazy's World of Slimming: Week 5 weigh-in

It will come as no surprise to learn that I have not been sticking to my plan.  After being unable to eat very much over the past two weeks, my appetite finally returned.  In recent days I haven't been following the healthiest diet ever.  "Comfort eating" always seems to be my default response to bad times.  So it was also no surprise to learn that I had gained 1lb this week.

From tomorrow onwards I will attempt to return to a healthy eating and fitness regime.  I just need to find the motivation to get there.

Thursday: my mum's funeral

One week ago today, I lost my mum.  And today, we all said goodbye.

When I woke up this morning, the sun was shining, but my heart was in the darkest place.  I sobbed relentlessly, I was physically sick with nerves, crippled by worries, hoping that everything would go ok and that I wouldn't let her down.  My legs felt like jelly, I could hardly walk.

In the intervening hours before the funeral, I got myself ready and focused on mundane things like washing up and listening to local radio (now that is what you call mundane).  My mum was unconventional and would have hated to be described as a traditionalist, so I had already decided that I would not wear black; rather, in personal tribute I would wear a purple dress, because purple - all shades and tones of it - was my mum's favourite colour.

Of course I have been very lucky not to go through all this on my own.  Faithful travelling companion has shouldered so much of my grief and pain, and has always been there for me. We have been through so much together over the years, and I will love him forever.

On our arrival at the church, I was taken aback by the amount of people who had turned up.  So many of my workmates were there and I made sure that I took time to speak to them before the service began.  As the years pass and the number of close family members dwindle, I didn't expect too many of them to be there, but my lovely cousins all made it.  And I was to happy to see my mum's two dearest friends who live nearby.  And my own lovely friends made it, which also made me so happy.

Inevitably, I was overcome with grief when mum's coffin arrived.  My poor, sick, frail little mum. Yet I managed to find the strength to make it through what turned out to be a lovely and very personal service, accompanied by some of mum's favourite hymns which I had personally chosen. Towards the end, the priest invited me up to give my 'eulogy'.

I went on to tell some of the stories I'd written about my mum's life, and the happy moments we shared. I'm certainly no stand-up comedian and I can't tell a joke to save my life, but the words I had written just bounced off the page as I spoke with love for my mum, whom I had shared my whole life with.  I looked out into the congregation to see smiling faces, and there was lots of laughter. There were no tears of sadness as I spoke - how could I be sad about a lifetime of love and happiness?  At the end of my little speech, everyone applauded!  Applause in church - that was incredible.  All I wanted to do was to make mum happy today; I think I did.

As we followed the coffin out of the church, I broke down again.  I know we were on a tight schedule, but I was determined to talk to as many people as I could, outside the church, because I wanted to thank them for coming today.  I lost count of the number of hugs I received.

We travelled with my uncle and cousin on the way to the crematorium, and there were some very welcome laughs in the car, which completely lifted my mood.  By the time we reached the crematorium I was a lot more calm.  I knew the drill at the crematorium because I'd been there before, a few years ago.  Two of my mum's favourite songs were played, prayers were said, and the curtains closed.

In one way, there was a strange sense of relief that it was all over, after the exhaustion of recent days, yet everything still feels so surreal.  Time is strange.  Every day I ask myself several times, "what day is this?".  Today didn't feel like Thursday. But no days have really felt like the way they should be.  I know that a few people are questioning my decision to return to work on Monday, but I need to do this.  Mum would certainly want me to get on with life.  Due to annual leave followed by sickness followed by bereavement, I've been off work three weeks, so it's time to go back.  I am grieving regardless of where I am, so I'm as well at work where there are friends and colleagues to keep my spirits up and keep me grounded, and where there are many opportunities to keep myself occupied and distract myself from this unbearable sadness.

I went home after spending the afternoon with faithful travelling companion.  That bus journey home was completely bleak.  But things got better when I arrived home, as I'd decided to just spend tonight relaxing and doing absolutely nothing.   I need to be on my own tonight. No phone calls, no texting. I feel completely exhausted, and need to rest.  There will be other days or nights when I will think about the new routines in my life, about what meals I'll eat, about how I'll manage my depleted finances, about the major, life-changing decisions....but tonight is not one of those nights.

More cards arrived today.  Tonight I counted 24 cards on display in my living room, and I continue to feel overwhelmed by the love and support of everyone around me.

It has really helped me to write about everything which has happened over the past week.  If you have been reading these posts, then thank you.  If you have taken any comfort from what I've written, then it's all been worthwhile.

Already I am thinking of several 'positives' which I can take from the darkest experience of my life, because no matter how dark things got, my mum would always look on the bright side (I feel a song coming on!). But the best thing I can do is just get on with living my 'new normal' life, to face each new challenge ahead.  It's a strange thing to say for someone in an age group usually described as "middle-aged" (ugh) but I feel as if I've grown up a lot this week.  I am my mum's legacy, and the best thing I can do for her is to be the best person I can possibly be; to travel through life with an open mind, to respect and help others, to embrace both new and familiar experiences, to maintain good health, and to be happy.  But I'll finish with a quote - the other day, one of my friends said that "you are your mother's daughter".  And that's the nicest thing I could ever want to be :)