You will have guessed by the title of this post that it's panto season - oh yes it is! And even if much of the Christmas hype leaves me cold, then there is one particular Christmas ritual which was always the exception: a trip to a pantomime. That was always my "big day out" with mum. But this Christmas, as with about 99.9% of everything else in my life, it's going to be different. For I am going to do something which is either brave or crazy or for many people is probably just a no-no.
For I have decided that I'll be going to a panto on my own, over the festive season. (And don't worry, all is well with faithful travelling companion but 1) panto's not his thing and 2) he has other commitments on my panto day).
It's very sad that society seems to dictate these 'norms' that everything should be done as a couple, a group or a family. Perhaps those who dictate these norms are maybe just uncomfortable in their own company. Why shouldn't you go somewhere on your own? Why should we be denied the right to enjoy entertainment just because we're unaccompanied? There are reasons why - even if we do have someone to go to the theatre with - it's not always possible to hang out with them on a particular day. (Talking of which, apart from the panto, I will be going to another theatre show before Christmas, again on my own).
My mum had a very refreshing "f***-it" attitude to a lot of things: she was so unconventional in so many ways and I guess that's one part of her personality which I'm glad to have inherited. And even though it's a daily struggle to adjust to living alone, perhaps I've gathered some strength and courage too as I grow more and more used to my own company. So although it will probably be difficult, walking into that theatre on my own, when the lights go down, it doesn't matter who you are or who you're with. And as for filling those awkward minutes during the interval, I've got a survival strategy for that too - oh yes I have! - yay for mobile phones and wi-fi :)))
Tuesday, 24 November 2015
Sunday, 8 November 2015
Christmas Challenge 2015: Week 2 weigh-in
No change.
My weight stayed the same this week - to be honest I'm very disappointed with this result as I've mainly been sticking to the healthy eating plan, and have reintroduced my after-work aerobics sessions. This has quickly had an impact as my fitness levels are slowly rising.
The challenge for the coming week is to increase my water intake as I know I'm not drinking enough water at the moment.
Despite this week's result, I'm not going to beat myself up about not losing anything - just keep on with the plan and the exercising and see where it takes me.
My weight stayed the same this week - to be honest I'm very disappointed with this result as I've mainly been sticking to the healthy eating plan, and have reintroduced my after-work aerobics sessions. This has quickly had an impact as my fitness levels are slowly rising.
The challenge for the coming week is to increase my water intake as I know I'm not drinking enough water at the moment.
Despite this week's result, I'm not going to beat myself up about not losing anything - just keep on with the plan and the exercising and see where it takes me.
Sunday, 1 November 2015
Christmas Challenge 2015: Week 1 weigh-in
So after restarting Slimming World, and being a very good girl and tracking all my syns, I had high hopes for a decent weight loss this week.
Well, I did lose weight - but only 1lb. Still I'm not complaining - if this continues over the next few weeks I'd lose half a stone for Christmas - and if I was lucky enough to lose 1lb every week for the next 6 months, I'd almost be back to my target weight. So it's onwards into week 2, with a big focus on exercise this week. I have no energy at all at the moment, so that really needs to change.
Well, I did lose weight - but only 1lb. Still I'm not complaining - if this continues over the next few weeks I'd lose half a stone for Christmas - and if I was lucky enough to lose 1lb every week for the next 6 months, I'd almost be back to my target weight. So it's onwards into week 2, with a big focus on exercise this week. I have no energy at all at the moment, so that really needs to change.
Saturday, 31 October 2015
EuropeCrazy's Christmas Challenge starts here!
What's that sound? Well, it's the sound of the internet (ok then, the 7 or 8 people who still loyally read this blog!) groaning at the thought of yet another one of my attempts to lose weight. Since I came back from holiday I've made a couple of feeble attempts and joined a pedometer challenge at work which was a real wake-up call - everyone always thinks that I do a lot of walking but I was shocked to discover that most days I didn't manage to achieve the required 10,000 steps a day.
It's just over 7 weeks until Christmas so I'm keen to shift a few pounds and more importantly inches before gluttony season kicks in. My attempts this year haven't been too successful, but with the year I've had, that doesn't surprise me. But rather than focusing on failure, I've decided to rewind to a time when I achieved genuine success - the period between autumn 2010 and spring 2011 when I went down to my lowest weight in years and dropped dress sizes. Back then I was on Weight Watchers whereas now I'm on Slimming World. Both are very good plans but the key thing is to stick to them; over the past few months my commitment hasn't lasted beyond a week (!) so this time it's all about meal planning, food diaries, and the reintroduction of exercise.
Oh an it's weigh-in day tomorrow....
Oh an it's weigh-in day tomorrow....
Thursday, 22 October 2015
Adventures in wallpapering / Retail therapy
I decided to take a couple of days off work yesterday and today - it's a very nice feeling still to have lots of annual leave left to take by this time of the year.
Over the last couple of weeks I've been gathering painting and decorating supplies together, as I've decided to paint or redecorate almost every part of my house in the coming weeks and months.
First for a new look was my bathroom, which I've treated to a nice new, stylish and modern look with grey/silver tiling-on-a-roll. After removing the old wallpaper (which turned out to be a bigger challenge than I expected) this revealed a rather damaged wall full of holes and lumps and bumps. I'm not one for blowing my own trumpet but it's nice to discover a new talent for plastering walls!
After all the preparatory work, yesterday was wallpapering day. When I was growing up, I was very lucky to have two very determined female role models in my life - my gran and my mum - whose basic philosophy in life was self-taught self-sufficiency. So basically as I got older I learned to sew and make my own clothes, to paint and even fit carpets - although my carpet fitting days are now over (it's too stressful!).
The one thing I was always scared of was wallpapering, something mum and gran did with ease. But when mum and I moved into our current home several years ago, I was thrown in at the deep end and quickly learned this new skill. But I was never really happy with that old papering job in the bathroom. And every time I raised the subject with mum, she'd always come back with "there's nothing wrong with it!"
But the fact remained that, apart from being my own biggest critic and constantly striving for better, the bathroom was in need of a new look. I was talking to someone the other week who said that "you'll want to make the house your own" which immediately triggered a Louis Walsh moment :)
Anyway after hours of work - complicated, as you will see, by trying to match the wallpaper's very complex and random tiling layout (pictured above) - the job was finally done. So please excuse me if I stand back and have a little happy and proud moment, because I'm very happy with how it turned out. I've said this before, but even though mum's not physically with me, she's definitely with me all the time, guiding me along. The voice in my head. Although she always hated grey....
After a hard day's work it was time for a nice dinner last night with faithful travelling companion at one of our fave local eateries :))
Today was all about the October Shopping Trip, something I usually do at this time of year - buying a new winter jacket and new boots, as well as dipping my toes into the bottomless pit that is Christmas shopping! My heart really goes out to the poor retail staff in a certain very popular card shop who will have to endure the Christmas songs on a repeat loop for the next 9 weeks - for it has started already!
As I've previously mentioned on here, I've gained a horrific amount of weight over the past year and a half and due to one thing or another, it's been pretty impossible to shift. So it was with some regret that I had to go up yet another size for my new winter jacket (pictured above). As for the boots, I finally found a pair which happily stretched to accommodate a pair of muscular - not fat! - calves which were always a problem even when I was a couple of stones lighter.
So today was a very productive day! Back to work tomorrow and then I'm planning the most relaxing weekend in a long time - really need to write some blog posts too :)
Over the last couple of weeks I've been gathering painting and decorating supplies together, as I've decided to paint or redecorate almost every part of my house in the coming weeks and months.
First for a new look was my bathroom, which I've treated to a nice new, stylish and modern look with grey/silver tiling-on-a-roll. After removing the old wallpaper (which turned out to be a bigger challenge than I expected) this revealed a rather damaged wall full of holes and lumps and bumps. I'm not one for blowing my own trumpet but it's nice to discover a new talent for plastering walls!
After all the preparatory work, yesterday was wallpapering day. When I was growing up, I was very lucky to have two very determined female role models in my life - my gran and my mum - whose basic philosophy in life was self-taught self-sufficiency. So basically as I got older I learned to sew and make my own clothes, to paint and even fit carpets - although my carpet fitting days are now over (it's too stressful!).
The one thing I was always scared of was wallpapering, something mum and gran did with ease. But when mum and I moved into our current home several years ago, I was thrown in at the deep end and quickly learned this new skill. But I was never really happy with that old papering job in the bathroom. And every time I raised the subject with mum, she'd always come back with "there's nothing wrong with it!"
But the fact remained that, apart from being my own biggest critic and constantly striving for better, the bathroom was in need of a new look. I was talking to someone the other week who said that "you'll want to make the house your own" which immediately triggered a Louis Walsh moment :)
Anyway after hours of work - complicated, as you will see, by trying to match the wallpaper's very complex and random tiling layout (pictured above) - the job was finally done. So please excuse me if I stand back and have a little happy and proud moment, because I'm very happy with how it turned out. I've said this before, but even though mum's not physically with me, she's definitely with me all the time, guiding me along. The voice in my head. Although she always hated grey....
After a hard day's work it was time for a nice dinner last night with faithful travelling companion at one of our fave local eateries :))
Today was all about the October Shopping Trip, something I usually do at this time of year - buying a new winter jacket and new boots, as well as dipping my toes into the bottomless pit that is Christmas shopping! My heart really goes out to the poor retail staff in a certain very popular card shop who will have to endure the Christmas songs on a repeat loop for the next 9 weeks - for it has started already!
As I've previously mentioned on here, I've gained a horrific amount of weight over the past year and a half and due to one thing or another, it's been pretty impossible to shift. So it was with some regret that I had to go up yet another size for my new winter jacket (pictured above). As for the boots, I finally found a pair which happily stretched to accommodate a pair of muscular - not fat! - calves which were always a problem even when I was a couple of stones lighter.
So today was a very productive day! Back to work tomorrow and then I'm planning the most relaxing weekend in a long time - really need to write some blog posts too :)
Sunday, 11 October 2015
The long and the short of it
On Thursday I went to my usual favourite local hairdresser at lunchtime for my occasional haircut. Nothing unusual there, but this time I went for something a bit more drastic than usual. For most of my adult life I have had long hair, varying in length from just below the shoulder to waist-length, apart from a few years ago when I had all my hair cut into a spiky crop for a couple of years. Around that time there seemed to be this notion that "you shouldn't have long hair when you are getting older". But I was only in my mid-30s at the time, but looking back now, it's strange that I should have thought that way.
As the years went on I firmly believed that short hair was not me. Long hair is versatile, you can style it and wear it a number of ways. But it can also be hard to manage, and when "the change" comes along you are faced with a new challenge - head sweats and soaking hair. It's uncomfortable, and embarrassing when sweat is pouring out of your head, down your face, running into your eyes and making your eye make-up run. Looking around I now understand why so many women of my own age and older are all walking around with short hair.
On Thursday I sat in the chair in the salon and surprised my stylist with a different request from the usual. This time round it's not the spiky crop of years ago. I have never been a fan of the 'bob' haircut - it does look nice on some people but it's not really for me. So asking for a layered bob was a new departure and a big risk. But I dismissively chuckled "it's only hair!" as I sat in that chair watching strands of my long hair cascading to the floor. My hair grows quickly, so at least if I don't like this style then it won't be long until it turns into something more my taste.
I returned to work where my drastic new hairstyle was very well-received. They seem to be more enthusiastic about it than I am. Yes, it is a very good haircut, but, well, it's just not me. I think it makes me look older as well (although I met someone in the street the other day who exclaimed "it takes years off you!"). It's early days, but I can't see myself sticking with this hairstyle in the longer term, so I'm going to grow it out a bit and see what that looks like. Anyway I'm not going to worry about it. After all, it's only hair.
As the years went on I firmly believed that short hair was not me. Long hair is versatile, you can style it and wear it a number of ways. But it can also be hard to manage, and when "the change" comes along you are faced with a new challenge - head sweats and soaking hair. It's uncomfortable, and embarrassing when sweat is pouring out of your head, down your face, running into your eyes and making your eye make-up run. Looking around I now understand why so many women of my own age and older are all walking around with short hair.
On Thursday I sat in the chair in the salon and surprised my stylist with a different request from the usual. This time round it's not the spiky crop of years ago. I have never been a fan of the 'bob' haircut - it does look nice on some people but it's not really for me. So asking for a layered bob was a new departure and a big risk. But I dismissively chuckled "it's only hair!" as I sat in that chair watching strands of my long hair cascading to the floor. My hair grows quickly, so at least if I don't like this style then it won't be long until it turns into something more my taste.
I returned to work where my drastic new hairstyle was very well-received. They seem to be more enthusiastic about it than I am. Yes, it is a very good haircut, but, well, it's just not me. I think it makes me look older as well (although I met someone in the street the other day who exclaimed "it takes years off you!"). It's early days, but I can't see myself sticking with this hairstyle in the longer term, so I'm going to grow it out a bit and see what that looks like. Anyway I'm not going to worry about it. After all, it's only hair.
Wednesday, 7 October 2015
Small moments
I meant to blog last week but it's been a very busy week (apart from those outrageously lazy times). My birthday turned out to be a very special occasion. I'm always at work on my birthday, apart from when it falls at weekends. All my friends and colleagues at work made it a very special day. It's as if I could feel this silent acknowledgement that my non-milestone birthday was to be just that bit more special this year than usual, after these horrible few months. What a happy day I had, with lots of lovely gifts, beautiful cards and kind wishes.
Of course it goes without saying that faithful travelling companion played a huge role in giving me a very happy birthday! :)
I've decided to throw myself into some major (and long overdue) painting, decorating and home improvement over the next few months, which will provide a major interest/distraction - not to mention some very hard work as I do all my own painting and decorating!
It's now 14 weeks since I lost my mum. And it is the small moments which continue to rip me to shreds. Today my friend went to our GP for her flu vaccination. And then it hit me hard. This is October. This is the month, possibly the week, when I should be taking mum to the doctor's for her flu jab. But I'm not.
I have never cried at work since mum died, but today I came pretty close, just because of that small moment. And when those small moments happen it's like the world crashes to a halt. But then it starts again, and I hear her voice telling me to get on with life again.
Saturday, 26 September 2015
Milestones
My year seems to be marked out by milestones. Eurovision season. Our May spring break. Our September holiday. My birthday. The flu jab. The inevitable gloom of October to December, and so on.
We have just returned from a fabulous holiday in Mallorca, and I fully intend to publish my holiday diaries over at EuropeCrazy within the next couple of weeks. Anyway the next milestone is my birthday, this coming Wednesday. Unfortunately my return to work (after my traditional 2 week September holiday break) comes just before my birthday - I need to get that right one of these years, as everyone seems to take their birthday off :)
It's not a big birthday, but it's a milestone nonetheless. For it will be my first birthday without my mum. And even though she didn't make a big thing of birthdays (and Mother's Day was deemed a non-event, as per both mum and gran) I am anticipating that Wednesday is going to be a day of very mixed emotions.
We have just returned from a fabulous holiday in Mallorca, and I fully intend to publish my holiday diaries over at EuropeCrazy within the next couple of weeks. Anyway the next milestone is my birthday, this coming Wednesday. Unfortunately my return to work (after my traditional 2 week September holiday break) comes just before my birthday - I need to get that right one of these years, as everyone seems to take their birthday off :)
It's not a big birthday, but it's a milestone nonetheless. For it will be my first birthday without my mum. And even though she didn't make a big thing of birthdays (and Mother's Day was deemed a non-event, as per both mum and gran) I am anticipating that Wednesday is going to be a day of very mixed emotions.
Monday, 31 August 2015
EuropeCrazy's World Of Slimming: Week 12 weigh-in
Forgot to post this yesterday - just a quick post to say that I lost 1lb this week. Normally I would be delighted with that result, but I felt quite disappointed as I expected more from the combination of following the diet + very punishing fitness regime. Oh well....onwards :)
Sunday, 23 August 2015
EuropeCrazy's World Of Slimming: Week 11 weigh-in
Took a week off weighing in and fell a bit spectacularly off the wagon. I know I wasn't going to weigh myself for 2 weeks but stepped on the scales this morning and discovered I'd gained 1lb. I had a 'retail therapy' day off during the week, but forgot just how unforgiving those fitting room mirrors in Next can be!
Regular readers of this blog will have lost count of the amount of times that drastic measures were required, but I'm at that point yet again. I already have a lot of fitness equipment at home, but have purchased another couple of fitness-related things and have written up a structured exercise plan for the next few weeks, along with strictly sticking to the Slimming World plan. I really need to boost my energy for this holiday and for the months ahead
It is very hard to lose weight when you're not in a good place, but my mood has picked up over the past few days so I'm now really focused on making progress. It's now or never :)
Friday, 14 August 2015
Bad times
It's been 6 weeks now since I lost my mum and, well, it's really kicking in now. I feel sad, distressed, distracted, and lost. In the beginning there was important stuff to do, things to be seen to, and not a day went by without some official matter to be dealt with. But now, there is just an undescribable emptiness, and a sadness which is impossible to overcome. Only the love and support of faithful travelling companion, and our impending holiday, is getting me through it all. But otherwise, over the past couple of weeks I've struggled to get through every day, and this week has been the most overwhelming one yet. Every moment of every day, I am reminded of how much I miss my best friend. Particularly when I've had a bad day. In the past I would have come home and she would have given me a big hug and made everything better. I miss her so much, and getting on with life is turning out to be even more of a challenge than I'd ever imagined. But that's not really surprising. For it's hard to lose a loved one, but to lose not only your mother but your best friend, whom you've spent your whole life with, is just too much to bear.
Wednesday was particularly difficult, with all the talk at work about arranging a Christmas night out. Regular readers of Random Ramblings will be aware that I struggle with the whole concept of Christmas at the best of times, so needless to say I just can't face the thought of it this year. And I don't do nights out anyway, least of all in a year when my world has fallen apart. The inevitability of that time of year approaching was enough to tip me over the edge. There is also one Christmas-related thing which I've been involved in for the last few years, which inevitably dominates (and arguably ruins) the lead-up to the 'festive season' but that is outwith my control, And I know it's still 19 weeks away, but once you hit August and September then it's downhill all the way. In past years I've written too much on here about how miserable the lead up to Christmas can be, so I've decided not to mention it so much this year. And anyway, faithful travelling companion has a plan to get me through Christmas and I'm going with that.
At least I still have blogging to keep me going, so I am planning to publish some outstanding blog posts over at EuropeCrazy in the next week or so, including those long-overdue Eurovision reviews and some other stuff as well.
Wednesday was particularly difficult, with all the talk at work about arranging a Christmas night out. Regular readers of Random Ramblings will be aware that I struggle with the whole concept of Christmas at the best of times, so needless to say I just can't face the thought of it this year. And I don't do nights out anyway, least of all in a year when my world has fallen apart. The inevitability of that time of year approaching was enough to tip me over the edge. There is also one Christmas-related thing which I've been involved in for the last few years, which inevitably dominates (and arguably ruins) the lead-up to the 'festive season' but that is outwith my control, And I know it's still 19 weeks away, but once you hit August and September then it's downhill all the way. In past years I've written too much on here about how miserable the lead up to Christmas can be, so I've decided not to mention it so much this year. And anyway, faithful travelling companion has a plan to get me through Christmas and I'm going with that.
At least I still have blogging to keep me going, so I am planning to publish some outstanding blog posts over at EuropeCrazy in the next week or so, including those long-overdue Eurovision reviews and some other stuff as well.
Sunday, 9 August 2015
EuropeCrazy's World Of Slimming: Week 9 weigh-in
Despite a couple of heavy falls off the dieting wagon this week, I was generally quite well-behaved and got a lot of exercise in, resulting in a loss of another 1½ lbs this week. I'm quite happy with that, although need to step it up a gear or two in the next few weeks so that I can fit into my holiday clothes.
EDIT: I've decided to take a couple of weeks off the weigh-ins. Going through a bad time at the moment and could do without the added pressure of trying to lose weight every week. Therefore the next weigh-in will take place on 30th August.
EDIT: I've decided to take a couple of weeks off the weigh-ins. Going through a bad time at the moment and could do without the added pressure of trying to lose weight every week. Therefore the next weigh-in will take place on 30th August.
Sunday, 2 August 2015
EuropeCrazy's World of Slimming: Week 8 weigh-in
Despite being more "blunderwoman" than "Wonder Woman" this week, as I battled some painful injuries which prevented me from getting on with the exercise regime, I was reasonably well-behaved (apart from a couple of disappointing crisp-eating binges), and stuck to the healthy eating. I was also able to get on the exercise bike for short periods so all was not lost.
I've lost 1½ lbs this week, which is a very satisfactory result. I've also been food-planning for the week ahead so that combined with exercise should hopefully ensure another good result next Sunday - but I need to stick to the plan!
Total weight loss since start of plan: 2½ lbs
Total BMI reduction since start of plan: 0.5
I've lost 1½ lbs this week, which is a very satisfactory result. I've also been food-planning for the week ahead so that combined with exercise should hopefully ensure another good result next Sunday - but I need to stick to the plan!
Total weight loss since start of plan: 2½ lbs
Total BMI reduction since start of plan: 0.5
Sunday, 26 July 2015
EuropeCrazy's World of Slimming: Week 7 weigh-in
I gained 4lbs this week.
That's right, 4lbs. But it was inevitable, as I fell into the trap of emotional eating to deal with life after mum's death.
This time last week, I had planned to get back on the fitness regime but that was easier said than done. So I have undone practically all my good efforts. Time to start again.
Total weight loss since start of plan: 1lb
Total BMI reduction since start of plan: 0.2
I have decided to keep this going until December so have a little while yet to turn things around.
That's right, 4lbs. But it was inevitable, as I fell into the trap of emotional eating to deal with life after mum's death.
This time last week, I had planned to get back on the fitness regime but that was easier said than done. So I have undone practically all my good efforts. Time to start again.
Total weight loss since start of plan: 1lb
Total BMI reduction since start of plan: 0.2
I have decided to keep this going until December so have a little while yet to turn things around.
Sunday, 19 July 2015
EuropeCrazy's World of Slimming: Week 6 weigh-in
Surprisingly my weight stayed the same this week.
I am sensible enough to know that this way of dealing with a situation can't go on, particularly because my binge-eating spiralled out of control over the past year, sending my mental health into freefall. If anything, I owe it to mum to keep myself mentally and physically fit, so for that reason I am going to start working on my fitness as from this week and get back to the eating plan.
Sunday, 12 July 2015
The first days of the rest of my life
After a hectic week of making arrangements, non-stop phone calls and rushing around, I was close to exhaustion.
'Boredom' is not a word which has ever figured in my vocabulary, and there is always so much to do at home. The list of unfinished jobs, unwatched DVD box sets, unread books etc is long enough to ensure that it'll be a long time before I'm looking for something to do, to occupy my mind. Then there is the diet/fitness regime which will be crucial; history has shown that when my weight increases and my physical fitness deteriorates, my mental health goes into freefall. Mum wouldn't want me to end up in that dark place again.
But right now, I don't really want to do very much at all. I am craving rest, and sleep, and complete relaxation. I am now knee-deep in grief, and loss, and complete emptiness, and trying to come to terms with how I am going to live without my mum. I can seem 'fine' and then there are sudden, explosive moments of painful sobbing. And while I have taken great comfort from everyone's love and support since it happened, the fact remains that I can't go and and tell her any more about something I wanted to share with her. Bus journeys just got a lot bleaker, because I can't phone her to tell her I'm coming home. There are so many situations which I won't be able to share with her any more. Last night I wondered if I would ever be happy again, or to be more precise, would I ever have the right to be happy again? But then I keep remembering mum's letter to me, and her telling me to get on with my life and not be sad. And I am not alone - I have faithful travelling companion, and my life is filled with love.
I am going back to work tomorrow. Some people have questioned this decision, but I don't feel that it will do me any good to take more time off. Since my mum passed away, the loneliest moments have been those spent on my own, at home. Talking to people, something I've always found very difficult, has suddenly become easier, and the interaction with others has been a comfort. It has taken tragic circumstances to make me realise just how much my work colleagues and friends care about me, and I will never forget their kindness. So that's the reason why I'm going back tomorrow.
'Boredom' is not a word which has ever figured in my vocabulary, and there is always so much to do at home. The list of unfinished jobs, unwatched DVD box sets, unread books etc is long enough to ensure that it'll be a long time before I'm looking for something to do, to occupy my mind. Then there is the diet/fitness regime which will be crucial; history has shown that when my weight increases and my physical fitness deteriorates, my mental health goes into freefall. Mum wouldn't want me to end up in that dark place again.
But right now, I don't really want to do very much at all. I am craving rest, and sleep, and complete relaxation. I am now knee-deep in grief, and loss, and complete emptiness, and trying to come to terms with how I am going to live without my mum. I can seem 'fine' and then there are sudden, explosive moments of painful sobbing. And while I have taken great comfort from everyone's love and support since it happened, the fact remains that I can't go and and tell her any more about something I wanted to share with her. Bus journeys just got a lot bleaker, because I can't phone her to tell her I'm coming home. There are so many situations which I won't be able to share with her any more. Last night I wondered if I would ever be happy again, or to be more precise, would I ever have the right to be happy again? But then I keep remembering mum's letter to me, and her telling me to get on with my life and not be sad. And I am not alone - I have faithful travelling companion, and my life is filled with love.
I am going back to work tomorrow. Some people have questioned this decision, but I don't feel that it will do me any good to take more time off. Since my mum passed away, the loneliest moments have been those spent on my own, at home. Talking to people, something I've always found very difficult, has suddenly become easier, and the interaction with others has been a comfort. It has taken tragic circumstances to make me realise just how much my work colleagues and friends care about me, and I will never forget their kindness. So that's the reason why I'm going back tomorrow.
EuropeCrazy's World of Slimming: Week 5 weigh-in
It will come as no surprise to learn that I have not been sticking to my plan. After being unable to eat very much over the past two weeks, my appetite finally returned. In recent days I haven't been following the healthiest diet ever. "Comfort eating" always seems to be my default response to bad times. So it was also no surprise to learn that I had gained 1lb this week.
From tomorrow onwards I will attempt to return to a healthy eating and fitness regime. I just need to find the motivation to get there.
From tomorrow onwards I will attempt to return to a healthy eating and fitness regime. I just need to find the motivation to get there.
Thursday, 9 July 2015
Thursday: my mum's funeral
One week ago today, I lost my mum. And today, we all said goodbye.
When I woke up this morning, the sun was shining, but my heart was in the darkest place. I sobbed relentlessly, I was physically sick with nerves, crippled by worries, hoping that everything would go ok and that I wouldn't let her down. My legs felt like jelly, I could hardly walk.
In the intervening hours before the funeral, I got myself ready and focused on mundane things like washing up and listening to local radio (now that is what you call mundane). My mum was unconventional and would have hated to be described as a traditionalist, so I had already decided that I would not wear black; rather, in personal tribute I would wear a purple dress, because purple - all shades and tones of it - was my mum's favourite colour.
Of course I have been very lucky not to go through all this on my own. Faithful travelling companion has shouldered so much of my grief and pain, and has always been there for me. We have been through so much together over the years, and I will love him forever.
On our arrival at the church, I was taken aback by the amount of people who had turned up. So many of my workmates were there and I made sure that I took time to speak to them before the service began. As the years pass and the number of close family members dwindle, I didn't expect too many of them to be there, but my lovely cousins all made it. And I was to happy to see my mum's two dearest friends who live nearby. And my own lovely friends made it, which also made me so happy.
Inevitably, I was overcome with grief when mum's coffin arrived. My poor, sick, frail little mum. Yet I managed to find the strength to make it through what turned out to be a lovely and very personal service, accompanied by some of mum's favourite hymns which I had personally chosen. Towards the end, the priest invited me up to give my 'eulogy'.
I went on to tell some of the stories I'd written about my mum's life, and the happy moments we shared. I'm certainly no stand-up comedian and I can't tell a joke to save my life, but the words I had written just bounced off the page as I spoke with love for my mum, whom I had shared my whole life with. I looked out into the congregation to see smiling faces, and there was lots of laughter. There were no tears of sadness as I spoke - how could I be sad about a lifetime of love and happiness? At the end of my little speech, everyone applauded! Applause in church - that was incredible. All I wanted to do was to make mum happy today; I think I did.
As we followed the coffin out of the church, I broke down again. I know we were on a tight schedule, but I was determined to talk to as many people as I could, outside the church, because I wanted to thank them for coming today. I lost count of the number of hugs I received.
We travelled with my uncle and cousin on the way to the crematorium, and there were some very welcome laughs in the car, which completely lifted my mood. By the time we reached the crematorium I was a lot more calm. I knew the drill at the crematorium because I'd been there before, a few years ago. Two of my mum's favourite songs were played, prayers were said, and the curtains closed.
In one way, there was a strange sense of relief that it was all over, after the exhaustion of recent days, yet everything still feels so surreal. Time is strange. Every day I ask myself several times, "what day is this?". Today didn't feel like Thursday. But no days have really felt like the way they should be. I know that a few people are questioning my decision to return to work on Monday, but I need to do this. Mum would certainly want me to get on with life. Due to annual leave followed by sickness followed by bereavement, I've been off work three weeks, so it's time to go back. I am grieving regardless of where I am, so I'm as well at work where there are friends and colleagues to keep my spirits up and keep me grounded, and where there are many opportunities to keep myself occupied and distract myself from this unbearable sadness.
I went home after spending the afternoon with faithful travelling companion. That bus journey home was completely bleak. But things got better when I arrived home, as I'd decided to just spend tonight relaxing and doing absolutely nothing. I need to be on my own tonight. No phone calls, no texting. I feel completely exhausted, and need to rest. There will be other days or nights when I will think about the new routines in my life, about what meals I'll eat, about how I'll manage my depleted finances, about the major, life-changing decisions....but tonight is not one of those nights.
More cards arrived today. Tonight I counted 24 cards on display in my living room, and I continue to feel overwhelmed by the love and support of everyone around me.
It has really helped me to write about everything which has happened over the past week. If you have been reading these posts, then thank you. If you have taken any comfort from what I've written, then it's all been worthwhile.
Already I am thinking of several 'positives' which I can take from the darkest experience of my life, because no matter how dark things got, my mum would always look on the bright side (I feel a song coming on!). But the best thing I can do is just get on with living my 'new normal' life, to face each new challenge ahead. It's a strange thing to say for someone in an age group usually described as "middle-aged" (ugh) but I feel as if I've grown up a lot this week. I am my mum's legacy, and the best thing I can do for her is to be the best person I can possibly be; to travel through life with an open mind, to respect and help others, to embrace both new and familiar experiences, to maintain good health, and to be happy. But I'll finish with a quote - the other day, one of my friends said that "you are your mother's daughter". And that's the nicest thing I could ever want to be :)
When I woke up this morning, the sun was shining, but my heart was in the darkest place. I sobbed relentlessly, I was physically sick with nerves, crippled by worries, hoping that everything would go ok and that I wouldn't let her down. My legs felt like jelly, I could hardly walk.
In the intervening hours before the funeral, I got myself ready and focused on mundane things like washing up and listening to local radio (now that is what you call mundane). My mum was unconventional and would have hated to be described as a traditionalist, so I had already decided that I would not wear black; rather, in personal tribute I would wear a purple dress, because purple - all shades and tones of it - was my mum's favourite colour.
Of course I have been very lucky not to go through all this on my own. Faithful travelling companion has shouldered so much of my grief and pain, and has always been there for me. We have been through so much together over the years, and I will love him forever.
On our arrival at the church, I was taken aback by the amount of people who had turned up. So many of my workmates were there and I made sure that I took time to speak to them before the service began. As the years pass and the number of close family members dwindle, I didn't expect too many of them to be there, but my lovely cousins all made it. And I was to happy to see my mum's two dearest friends who live nearby. And my own lovely friends made it, which also made me so happy.
Inevitably, I was overcome with grief when mum's coffin arrived. My poor, sick, frail little mum. Yet I managed to find the strength to make it through what turned out to be a lovely and very personal service, accompanied by some of mum's favourite hymns which I had personally chosen. Towards the end, the priest invited me up to give my 'eulogy'.
I went on to tell some of the stories I'd written about my mum's life, and the happy moments we shared. I'm certainly no stand-up comedian and I can't tell a joke to save my life, but the words I had written just bounced off the page as I spoke with love for my mum, whom I had shared my whole life with. I looked out into the congregation to see smiling faces, and there was lots of laughter. There were no tears of sadness as I spoke - how could I be sad about a lifetime of love and happiness? At the end of my little speech, everyone applauded! Applause in church - that was incredible. All I wanted to do was to make mum happy today; I think I did.
As we followed the coffin out of the church, I broke down again. I know we were on a tight schedule, but I was determined to talk to as many people as I could, outside the church, because I wanted to thank them for coming today. I lost count of the number of hugs I received.
We travelled with my uncle and cousin on the way to the crematorium, and there were some very welcome laughs in the car, which completely lifted my mood. By the time we reached the crematorium I was a lot more calm. I knew the drill at the crematorium because I'd been there before, a few years ago. Two of my mum's favourite songs were played, prayers were said, and the curtains closed.
In one way, there was a strange sense of relief that it was all over, after the exhaustion of recent days, yet everything still feels so surreal. Time is strange. Every day I ask myself several times, "what day is this?". Today didn't feel like Thursday. But no days have really felt like the way they should be. I know that a few people are questioning my decision to return to work on Monday, but I need to do this. Mum would certainly want me to get on with life. Due to annual leave followed by sickness followed by bereavement, I've been off work three weeks, so it's time to go back. I am grieving regardless of where I am, so I'm as well at work where there are friends and colleagues to keep my spirits up and keep me grounded, and where there are many opportunities to keep myself occupied and distract myself from this unbearable sadness.
I went home after spending the afternoon with faithful travelling companion. That bus journey home was completely bleak. But things got better when I arrived home, as I'd decided to just spend tonight relaxing and doing absolutely nothing. I need to be on my own tonight. No phone calls, no texting. I feel completely exhausted, and need to rest. There will be other days or nights when I will think about the new routines in my life, about what meals I'll eat, about how I'll manage my depleted finances, about the major, life-changing decisions....but tonight is not one of those nights.
More cards arrived today. Tonight I counted 24 cards on display in my living room, and I continue to feel overwhelmed by the love and support of everyone around me.
It has really helped me to write about everything which has happened over the past week. If you have been reading these posts, then thank you. If you have taken any comfort from what I've written, then it's all been worthwhile.
Already I am thinking of several 'positives' which I can take from the darkest experience of my life, because no matter how dark things got, my mum would always look on the bright side (I feel a song coming on!). But the best thing I can do is just get on with living my 'new normal' life, to face each new challenge ahead. It's a strange thing to say for someone in an age group usually described as "middle-aged" (ugh) but I feel as if I've grown up a lot this week. I am my mum's legacy, and the best thing I can do for her is to be the best person I can possibly be; to travel through life with an open mind, to respect and help others, to embrace both new and familiar experiences, to maintain good health, and to be happy. But I'll finish with a quote - the other day, one of my friends said that "you are your mother's daughter". And that's the nicest thing I could ever want to be :)
Wednesday, 8 July 2015
Wednesday: realising the value of true friendship
I am overwhelmed by the number of sympathy cards which I've received in recent days, from loved ones, family, friends and colleagues. I cried a lot today, because I would read the cards and many of the words would just be so true, and so lovely, that it would tip me over the edge again. Whilst out for coffee with two of my closest old friends at lunchtime today, I met a number of my work colleagues (the coffee shop is just minutes away from the office) and every one of them has been so kind and genuine, which has been genuinely touching, I will never forget their kindness.
A little update from yesterday: I will be reading the eulogy. I rehearsed it twice tonight and got on fine, although I was sitting comfortably in my living room at the time, on my own, and not in front of a congregation. Public speaking terrifies me to the point that I had to stop giving training courses at work a couple of years ago. But this is different because I wrote it, I believe in it, and I just want to tell everyone who will be there tomorrow, about everything from her hobbies and talents, to her beliefs and values, and what my mum meant to me, with a couple of (hopefully) amusing little anecdotes thrown in to reflect her refreshingly unconventional personality.
This morning I felt incredibly stressed, agitated and frustrated, but that soon passed. The passage of time has been very strange over the past 8 days since my mum was admitted to hospital. On the one hand it has flown by, on the other hand it has felt like months. Days and nights have been packed with necessary tasks and tnumerous phone calls (last night's on-hold experience led to my mini Twitter rant). But I have thrown myself into the practicalities, and the to-do list is considerably reduced.
For someone who often finds it difficult to talk to people, I have surprisingly been able to speak calmly to everyone about what happened last week. But the fact remains that there is a crushing pain which feels like Pac-Man crunching his way across my body, and that pain has never gone away since last week; neither has the sheer exhaustion. So although I may seem not too bad on the surface - other people are more worried about me than I am - this painful sadness is constantly with me. I continue to seek solace in the internet, reading inspirational articles to comfort and help me through these painfully sad days.
The thought of tomorrow is unbearable, but I have faithful travelling companion, the most loving, caring and supportive person I could ever want in my life. We will get through tomorrow together. I owe it to mum not to let her down.
A little update from yesterday: I will be reading the eulogy. I rehearsed it twice tonight and got on fine, although I was sitting comfortably in my living room at the time, on my own, and not in front of a congregation. Public speaking terrifies me to the point that I had to stop giving training courses at work a couple of years ago. But this is different because I wrote it, I believe in it, and I just want to tell everyone who will be there tomorrow, about everything from her hobbies and talents, to her beliefs and values, and what my mum meant to me, with a couple of (hopefully) amusing little anecdotes thrown in to reflect her refreshingly unconventional personality.
This morning I felt incredibly stressed, agitated and frustrated, but that soon passed. The passage of time has been very strange over the past 8 days since my mum was admitted to hospital. On the one hand it has flown by, on the other hand it has felt like months. Days and nights have been packed with necessary tasks and tnumerous phone calls (last night's on-hold experience led to my mini Twitter rant). But I have thrown myself into the practicalities, and the to-do list is considerably reduced.
For someone who often finds it difficult to talk to people, I have surprisingly been able to speak calmly to everyone about what happened last week. But the fact remains that there is a crushing pain which feels like Pac-Man crunching his way across my body, and that pain has never gone away since last week; neither has the sheer exhaustion. So although I may seem not too bad on the surface - other people are more worried about me than I am - this painful sadness is constantly with me. I continue to seek solace in the internet, reading inspirational articles to comfort and help me through these painfully sad days.
The thought of tomorrow is unbearable, but I have faithful travelling companion, the most loving, caring and supportive person I could ever want in my life. We will get through tomorrow together. I owe it to mum not to let her down.
Tuesday, 7 July 2015
Tuesday: rest, relaxation and gathering my thoughts
After the last few hectic days I decided to make some time for myself today, and not do very much at all. There are still some things to be done, but I've prioritised and decided that the less urgent things can wait. Today is not the day to be spending 3 hours on the phone to one utility company or another, trying to change the bills to my name. That's for another day.
This morning I phoned friends and colleagues about the funeral. 48 hours from now, it will all be over, and I will then start to get on with my new life, living on my own. (That Freddie Mercury song has just popped into my head).
The other day I began typing up a few notes about my mum's life, and for the last couple of hours I have finally turned these into a very personal eulogy. In an ideal world, I would want to stand up in church and read it myself, because I was the one who lived with her, who knew her best. But I probably won't be allowed to, and the priest will probably think it's too long and it will have to be edited, and....etc etc. Maybe I've just become too 'secular' after all.
But I want to tell people about her childhood, her personality, her bright and beautiful mind, her fight for social justice, her love of words and poetry, and football, and music, and Irn Bru, and chocolate, and the love and laughter which filled our life together. So I have put the words on paper, in language as heartfelt and honest as I can find. And if I'm probably not allowed to read it, hopefully the words will convey what I want to say.
This afternoon I'm feeling more at peace with myself. I'm not phoning or texting anyone, and am actually enjoying this quiet time, just me and the laptop. Writing these blog posts is also therapeutic.
Last night I also had the very welcome distraction of watching Le Tour with faithful travelling companion, although even then I had a wobble as I remembered how mum would also ask me every year to explain race tactics, and the peloton, and the lead-out train, and why the person who won the stage wasn't automatically the race leader. And she would always ask me if you could buy those lions anywhere - TdF merchandisers were totally missing a trick, weren't they?
Tomorrow I will meet my old friends for a coffee in town, and later on I will have to decide what to wear on Thursday. But I'll think about that tomorrow.
This morning I phoned friends and colleagues about the funeral. 48 hours from now, it will all be over, and I will then start to get on with my new life, living on my own. (That Freddie Mercury song has just popped into my head).
The other day I began typing up a few notes about my mum's life, and for the last couple of hours I have finally turned these into a very personal eulogy. In an ideal world, I would want to stand up in church and read it myself, because I was the one who lived with her, who knew her best. But I probably won't be allowed to, and the priest will probably think it's too long and it will have to be edited, and....etc etc. Maybe I've just become too 'secular' after all.
But I want to tell people about her childhood, her personality, her bright and beautiful mind, her fight for social justice, her love of words and poetry, and football, and music, and Irn Bru, and chocolate, and the love and laughter which filled our life together. So I have put the words on paper, in language as heartfelt and honest as I can find. And if I'm probably not allowed to read it, hopefully the words will convey what I want to say.
This afternoon I'm feeling more at peace with myself. I'm not phoning or texting anyone, and am actually enjoying this quiet time, just me and the laptop. Writing these blog posts is also therapeutic.
Last night I also had the very welcome distraction of watching Le Tour with faithful travelling companion, although even then I had a wobble as I remembered how mum would also ask me every year to explain race tactics, and the peloton, and the lead-out train, and why the person who won the stage wasn't automatically the race leader. And she would always ask me if you could buy those lions anywhere - TdF merchandisers were totally missing a trick, weren't they?
Tomorrow I will meet my old friends for a coffee in town, and later on I will have to decide what to wear on Thursday. But I'll think about that tomorrow.
One week
I'm staying up a bit later tonight, out of choice. Inevitably I think back to exactly one week ago, when we both sat up late, watching all those late-night shows on the food channels on TV. At that time, there was no indication what the next 24 hours would bring. I didn't know that my mum would end up in hospital. Last Monday night, we ended up watching an old Hairy Bikers show about Belgium, and I pointed out the places which faithful travelling companion and I had visited on our recent trip to Brussels. 24 hours ago tonight, I was the one who was unwell; off sick from work due to a horrible chest infection, struggling to breathe and coughing every minute. How things change.
Among my friends there is this underlying narrative of worry, given that I had a bit of a breakdown, for want of a better word, last year. I guess that there is this worry that I may fall apart and sink into the deepest of deep depressions again, with all that brings. But I somehow don't think I will; I need to hold onto that hope.
One of my best friends said that "the first year would be the worst". But there is no time limit on grief. There are those 'milestones': notably Christmas, which popped into my head the other day. Should I forget all about it? Or should I put up the tree which was much-loved by both of us? That's for another day.
As ever, I'm finding a lot of solutions on the good old internet, and my connection is like a lifeline to another, more "normal" world which temporarily distracts me and stops me thinking about how miserable and empty I feel. Of course blogging is the most therapeutic thing I can do, and I think that once 'all this is over' I will throw myself into my hobbies and interests.
The other thing I am going to do, all being well, is to return to work full-time after a 6 month trial period of part-time hours. I'm going to have a lot of my time on my hands from now on, so I need to fill it constructively.
Among my friends there is this underlying narrative of worry, given that I had a bit of a breakdown, for want of a better word, last year. I guess that there is this worry that I may fall apart and sink into the deepest of deep depressions again, with all that brings. But I somehow don't think I will; I need to hold onto that hope.
One of my best friends said that "the first year would be the worst". But there is no time limit on grief. There are those 'milestones': notably Christmas, which popped into my head the other day. Should I forget all about it? Or should I put up the tree which was much-loved by both of us? That's for another day.
As ever, I'm finding a lot of solutions on the good old internet, and my connection is like a lifeline to another, more "normal" world which temporarily distracts me and stops me thinking about how miserable and empty I feel. Of course blogging is the most therapeutic thing I can do, and I think that once 'all this is over' I will throw myself into my hobbies and interests.
The other thing I am going to do, all being well, is to return to work full-time after a 6 month trial period of part-time hours. I'm going to have a lot of my time on my hands from now on, so I need to fill it constructively.
Monday: another day on the rollercoaster
Recent days have been packed with activity; jobs which need to be done, agencies which need to be advised of changes of circumstances, and friends and family who need to be updated. Talking to people is never easy, but in this instance the 'rallying-round' which seems to be a familiar part of life following a bereavement, has been a great comfort to me. There is also a force and strength driving me onwards through this. Mum is with me and is guiding me. She wouldn't want to see me fall apart. And that's what's keeping me going.
After various hold-ups and hiccups, the funeral arrangements were finally confirmed for this Thursday.
Today's toughest task was getting to grips with arranging a religious funeral, in line with what my mum would have wanted. It has been a long, long time since organised religion was a part of my life, so the task of choosing a few hymns - and crucially, remembering the ones she used to like, all those years ago - turned out to be more drawn-out and complicated than first thought. I became sad, and irritable, and even a little bit frustrated that a religious funeral means that the "send-off" isn't going to be as personal as I'd have liked. But I've written a 'eulogy' of sorts, of edited highlights from her life, so along with the hymn choices, then that's as personal as it'll probably get. I don't even know if I'll be allowed to play a couple of my mum's favourite songs at the crematorium. Rules, huh?
What has impressed me throughout this process is the dignity and sensitivity shown by everyone over the past week. From the wonderful nursing staff who cared for mum in her last days in hospital, to the registrar who went above and beyond, to the funeral directors' staff, and everyone else, all have been so kind and sensitive, and it gives me hope that there are some good people out there doing such good work. If it can also inspire me to practice the same sensitivity in my own working life, both to my colleagues and to the public, then I will have learned a very valuable lesson indeed.
Surprisingly, I have come to treasure the peace and solitude of night-time. (The only thing I treasure more is the love and support of faithful travelling companion, who has been there for me every step of the way.) That 'me-time', no matter how mundane - watching TV or reading the latest trending topics on Twitter - means a lot.
I feel exhausted, emotionally, mentally and physically, and I fell to pieces a few times. It'll be a while yet before I can reintroduce my trademark eye make-up, that's for sure. My body is wracked with pain, because of all the tension and stress.
In the meantime, I want to do as little as possible tomorrow, apart from make a few phone calls and sorting some stuff out with the church. Some much-needed rest would be welcome, and I'm going to take it and enjoy it.
By the way, this was my 400th post on Random Ramblings. Much more to follow, I'm sure.
I feel exhausted, emotionally, mentally and physically, and I fell to pieces a few times. It'll be a while yet before I can reintroduce my trademark eye make-up, that's for sure. My body is wracked with pain, because of all the tension and stress.
In the meantime, I want to do as little as possible tomorrow, apart from make a few phone calls and sorting some stuff out with the church. Some much-needed rest would be welcome, and I'm going to take it and enjoy it.
By the way, this was my 400th post on Random Ramblings. Much more to follow, I'm sure.
Sunday, 5 July 2015
EuropeCrazy's World of Slimming: Week 4 weigh-in
With everything that has happened this week, slimming has been the very least of my priorities. But life has to go on, and so it is time for my weekly weigh-in.
I have lost 1½ lbs this week, bringing my total weight loss to 6½ lbs in 4 weeks. I would probably attribute this week's weight loss to not really eating very much at all; apart from everything else, I am still slowly recovering from that nasty chest infection and my appetite has not yet returned to normal.
BMI reduction this week: 0.2
Total BMI reduction so far: 1.1
I have lost 1½ lbs this week, bringing my total weight loss to 6½ lbs in 4 weeks. I would probably attribute this week's weight loss to not really eating very much at all; apart from everything else, I am still slowly recovering from that nasty chest infection and my appetite has not yet returned to normal.
BMI reduction this week: 0.2
Total BMI reduction so far: 1.1
Saturday, 4 July 2015
The letter
You will probably have read my post over at EuropeCrazy about my mum, but I also want to post some stuff on here over the next few days as it is really helping me get through this most difficult of weeks. Even if she was a technophobe and never really quite understood blogging or social media, mum was fascinated with my blogging hobby and was very impressed that I had made some lovely friends all over the world because of it.
My mum's organisational skills ensured that every area of her life was taken care of. A few years ago, she told me that she had written a letter which was not to be opened until she was no longer with me. Yesterday, whilst gathering paperwork to register her death, I found that letter and finally plucked up the courage to open it.
Yet I needn't have worried. For it was filled with words of hope, encouragement and inspiration, not in a sickly emotional way (she hated that kind of stuff!) but also filled with love and humour and the plain-speaking honesty that was her trademark. My mum was very "matter-of-fact" and in the letter she went on to leave me a lot of helpful instructions and advice, not just for now but for the longer term. I have read this letter numerous times over the past 2 days, and it never fails to comfort me.
Today I began the process of arranging the funeral, although for various bureaucratic reasons the arrangements won't be confirmed until Monday. Tomorrow I will make some more phone calls to update friends and family, but tonight I'm ensuring that I'm having a night of "me time", catching up with my telly backlog, having a couple of glasses of wine and then watching some YouTube clips later on. The way Saturday night always was.....
My mum's organisational skills ensured that every area of her life was taken care of. A few years ago, she told me that she had written a letter which was not to be opened until she was no longer with me. Yesterday, whilst gathering paperwork to register her death, I found that letter and finally plucked up the courage to open it.
Yet I needn't have worried. For it was filled with words of hope, encouragement and inspiration, not in a sickly emotional way (she hated that kind of stuff!) but also filled with love and humour and the plain-speaking honesty that was her trademark. My mum was very "matter-of-fact" and in the letter she went on to leave me a lot of helpful instructions and advice, not just for now but for the longer term. I have read this letter numerous times over the past 2 days, and it never fails to comfort me.
Today I began the process of arranging the funeral, although for various bureaucratic reasons the arrangements won't be confirmed until Monday. Tomorrow I will make some more phone calls to update friends and family, but tonight I'm ensuring that I'm having a night of "me time", catching up with my telly backlog, having a couple of glasses of wine and then watching some YouTube clips later on. The way Saturday night always was.....
Wednesday, 1 July 2015
Dark days
Out of the blue, and unexpectedly, my mum was admitted to hospital again yesterday. There's a number of different things wrong with her, but all I will say is that she is very ill at the moment. In that situation, every little glimmer of hope is grabbed with both hands; whether it's tiny improvements in a blood test, or little moves of the arm and leg, or the tiniest little bit of mumbling....every one is an achievement.
During my visit to hospital earlier today, she suddenly became conscious, opened her eyes and said hello to me, and that was probably one of the happiest moments of my life. She is very weak and frail, but she is also one hell of a fighter, as previous illnesses have proved.
She has received terrific care from everyone in the hospital since she arrived, which gives me great hope for her recovery. I am going back to visit her tonight and can't wait to see her again. This house is such an empty (and quieter) place without her around :(
EDIT: I visited tonight, and there was no change....if anything, there was more cause for concern than this afternoon, but at least she did become more conscious towards the end of our visit and there were even a couple of funny moments. But my heart feels so heavy right now as she is not getting any better....
During my visit to hospital earlier today, she suddenly became conscious, opened her eyes and said hello to me, and that was probably one of the happiest moments of my life. She is very weak and frail, but she is also one hell of a fighter, as previous illnesses have proved.
She has received terrific care from everyone in the hospital since she arrived, which gives me great hope for her recovery. I am going back to visit her tonight and can't wait to see her again. This house is such an empty (and quieter) place without her around :(
EDIT: I visited tonight, and there was no change....if anything, there was more cause for concern than this afternoon, but at least she did become more conscious towards the end of our visit and there were even a couple of funny moments. But my heart feels so heavy right now as she is not getting any better....
Sunday, 28 June 2015
EuropeCrazy's World of Slimming: Week 3 weigh-in
I had looked forward hto my week off and had planned lots of things to do, and goodies to eat! At the beginning of the week though, I took a very sore throat which turned into what I initially thought was just a cold, but then went into one of those horrible virus-infection-things, leaving me with a horrendous and constant cough, no energy at all and a complete lack of appetite. I was very annoyed at the timing of this, as the very same thing happened to me over Christmas, but at least I was off work and was able to sleep when I wanted to, which was very often. Especially as the coughing fits completely blew my sleep routine to pieces.
Although I have a little more energy, I'm still a long way from feeling well and am worried how I'll cope tomorrow when I have to go back to work. My colleagues will probably need earplugs to cope with the volume and extent of the coughing fits.
But I digress. There is a weigh-in to be done today, and this morning the scales revealed that...
I've lost 2lbs this week! Which is great news, although I'm never happy when weight loss is due to illness/loss of appetite. However I won't refuse a 2lb weight loss! Added to the previous 3lbs, this makes a total weight loss of 5lbs over the past 3 weeks. That might not seem like much to some, but it's a lot to me as I really struggle to lose weight. And as my friends keep telling me "it gets harder to lose weight when you get older" (thanks for that!) so it's an even bigger achievement. So far so good!
BMI reduction this week: 0.4
Total BMI reduction so far: 0.9
Although I have a little more energy, I'm still a long way from feeling well and am worried how I'll cope tomorrow when I have to go back to work. My colleagues will probably need earplugs to cope with the volume and extent of the coughing fits.
But I digress. There is a weigh-in to be done today, and this morning the scales revealed that...
I've lost 2lbs this week! Which is great news, although I'm never happy when weight loss is due to illness/loss of appetite. However I won't refuse a 2lb weight loss! Added to the previous 3lbs, this makes a total weight loss of 5lbs over the past 3 weeks. That might not seem like much to some, but it's a lot to me as I really struggle to lose weight. And as my friends keep telling me "it gets harder to lose weight when you get older" (thanks for that!) so it's an even bigger achievement. So far so good!
BMI reduction this week: 0.4
Total BMI reduction so far: 0.9
EuropeCrazy's World of Slimming: Week 2 weigh-in
I just realised that I forgot to post this last week. After my very successful first week I persevered and stuck to the plan, so was very disappointed to discover that I hadn't lost anything at all last week and had stayed the same. Or as Slimming World reassured me, I had 'maintained' my weight loss which I suppose is putting a positive spin on it.
Anyway it was onwards to another week. The original plan for this past week was to take a break from my slimming plan as I was having a week's holiday off work, what has become my annual June 'staycation'. Events were to take a nasty turn however...
Anyway it was onwards to another week. The original plan for this past week was to take a break from my slimming plan as I was having a week's holiday off work, what has become my annual June 'staycation'. Events were to take a nasty turn however...
Sunday, 14 June 2015
EuropeCrazy's World of Slimming: Week 1 weigh-in
Weight loss: 3lbs
BMI reduction: 0.5
What a week that was. My first week on Slimming World turned out to be a fascinating journey of discovery into a new world of free foods, healthy extras and syns. And by the time I stepped on the scales this morning, I discovered that I had lost 3lbs in my first week! That may not sound much when you hear about people losing 7lbs in a week, but it's a gigantic achievement for me and I'm delighted with it. I've also had a lot of unrelated pain and fatigue this past week which has prevented me from doing much walking or exercise (and three days of extremely hot weather didn't help), so to lose all that weight by following the plan on its own makes it even more of a successful result.
BMI reduction: 0.5
What a week that was. My first week on Slimming World turned out to be a fascinating journey of discovery into a new world of free foods, healthy extras and syns. And by the time I stepped on the scales this morning, I discovered that I had lost 3lbs in my first week! That may not sound much when you hear about people losing 7lbs in a week, but it's a gigantic achievement for me and I'm delighted with it. I've also had a lot of unrelated pain and fatigue this past week which has prevented me from doing much walking or exercise (and three days of extremely hot weather didn't help), so to lose all that weight by following the plan on its own makes it even more of a successful result.
It has been very easy to follow the plan as many of the foods which I already eat are termed 'free' foods, and the 'syn' values mean that I've pretty much wiped out my crisps addiction too.
Being very realistic I know that I'm probably not going to achieve that kind of loss every week, but I will be very happy with every pound I lose.
Now I'm off to the kitchen to make a batch of some home-made soups for this week's lunches....
Tuesday, 9 June 2015
EuropeCrazy's World of Slimming!
So I haven't quite mastered total internet detox, and there hasn't been enough hours in the day to get those outstanding blog posts done. I have also hurt my back in a freak injury over the past week so mobility's a challenge and exercise is out :(
I do have some news though: I've only gone and joined Slimming World. Drastic measures are called for, and I've seen a lot of people doing very well on it, so on the spur of the moment I decided to sign up for the online version of this very popular weight-loss plan. Going to a class will never be my thing, especially when it comes to weight loss, so I'm sticking to online tracking.
I'm doing this initially for 3 months although if it's successful I may just continue for a further 3 months in the lead-up to Christmas. It's quite a different concept, all those "free foods", many of which are my favourites anyway. And as for the "syns"....well this could finally help me to kick my crisp addiction for good.
Today I went supermarket shopping for fresh foods and other staples which will form the basis of some cooked-from-scratch treats. They may all have been "free foods" on SW but definitely not free when it came to the till (lol!) Slimming is a costly business isn't it! Perhaps all those who persistently moan about this country's OBESITY TIMEBOMB! should be lobbying for a reduction in the price of healthy food. Especially fruit. The price of fruit - particularly my favourite strawberries, raspberries and blackberries - is outrageous.
Anyway after spending hours last night familiarising myself with the whole Slimming World concept, I'm still amazed that people can still eat all that stuff and lose weight. Will I be one of those people? Can a menopausal woman with a shoddy metabolism succeed on this plan? Well, I will just need to stick to the plan and get on with it! More to follow....
I do have some news though: I've only gone and joined Slimming World. Drastic measures are called for, and I've seen a lot of people doing very well on it, so on the spur of the moment I decided to sign up for the online version of this very popular weight-loss plan. Going to a class will never be my thing, especially when it comes to weight loss, so I'm sticking to online tracking.
I'm doing this initially for 3 months although if it's successful I may just continue for a further 3 months in the lead-up to Christmas. It's quite a different concept, all those "free foods", many of which are my favourites anyway. And as for the "syns"....well this could finally help me to kick my crisp addiction for good.
Today I went supermarket shopping for fresh foods and other staples which will form the basis of some cooked-from-scratch treats. They may all have been "free foods" on SW but definitely not free when it came to the till (lol!) Slimming is a costly business isn't it! Perhaps all those who persistently moan about this country's OBESITY TIMEBOMB! should be lobbying for a reduction in the price of healthy food. Especially fruit. The price of fruit - particularly my favourite strawberries, raspberries and blackberries - is outrageous.
Anyway after spending hours last night familiarising myself with the whole Slimming World concept, I'm still amazed that people can still eat all that stuff and lose weight. Will I be one of those people? Can a menopausal woman with a shoddy metabolism succeed on this plan? Well, I will just need to stick to the plan and get on with it! More to follow....
Sunday, 24 May 2015
The season of good intentions
There's a kind of "end of term" feeling for me at the moment. Eurovision season is (officially) over for another year - although the analysis and the post mortems will carry on for a little while yet.
I'm still in that post-holiday mood which I'm trying very hard to keep going. My plan for the remainder of this month is to publish all my outstanding blog posts about a) Eurovision and b) Brussels.
From tomorrow, my latest in a very long line of fitness campaigns begins, After tonight there will be no more binge eating or overdoing it. It's about weight loss and fitness from now on, and it's also about putting a bit more structure back into my life, getting back into a decent sleep routine, and generally sorting out a lot of things which have drifted and/or been neglected over recent months. I need to start looking after myself again and I'm not going to do that sitting at a computer for hours on end, so that's why I need some time away from the internet, and that's what I'm going to do for June at least, and maybe some of July too. I did an internet detox a couple of years ago and it was very constructive.
I'm still in that post-holiday mood which I'm trying very hard to keep going. My plan for the remainder of this month is to publish all my outstanding blog posts about a) Eurovision and b) Brussels.
From tomorrow, my latest in a very long line of fitness campaigns begins, After tonight there will be no more binge eating or overdoing it. It's about weight loss and fitness from now on, and it's also about putting a bit more structure back into my life, getting back into a decent sleep routine, and generally sorting out a lot of things which have drifted and/or been neglected over recent months. I need to start looking after myself again and I'm not going to do that sitting at a computer for hours on end, so that's why I need some time away from the internet, and that's what I'm going to do for June at least, and maybe some of July too. I did an internet detox a couple of years ago and it was very constructive.
Wednesday, 6 May 2015
The storm after the calm
I have had enough of certain situations which have basically f***** my life up.
No more will they wreck my happiness.
No more will they rewrite history and forget everything good that I have ever done.
No more will they undermine or destroy me.
No more will they make me feel inadequate or stop me from believing in my own worth.
No more of it.
As I said over on Twitter a few hours ago, I'm particularly angry with myself because I have allowed all this crap to sidetrack me from the things which always make me happy at this time of year: my holiday preparations and the lead-up to Eurovision week. I have focused my attentions on all the negative aspects of my life at the expense of the people and things I love.
As they say in the movies, "enough already!".
But words can't describe just how bloody angry I am. And not with myself. Yet anger is not my default emotion: people always describe me as "nice" as if I am not allowed to have any other aspect of my personality on show. But right now I'm angry. And that anger will only subside if there is acceptance of who I am and what I do. But that seems to be a long way off :(
No more will they wreck my happiness.
No more will they rewrite history and forget everything good that I have ever done.
No more will they undermine or destroy me.
No more will they make me feel inadequate or stop me from believing in my own worth.
No more of it.
As I said over on Twitter a few hours ago, I'm particularly angry with myself because I have allowed all this crap to sidetrack me from the things which always make me happy at this time of year: my holiday preparations and the lead-up to Eurovision week. I have focused my attentions on all the negative aspects of my life at the expense of the people and things I love.
As they say in the movies, "enough already!".
But words can't describe just how bloody angry I am. And not with myself. Yet anger is not my default emotion: people always describe me as "nice" as if I am not allowed to have any other aspect of my personality on show. But right now I'm angry. And that anger will only subside if there is acceptance of who I am and what I do. But that seems to be a long way off :(
Saturday, 2 May 2015
Thoughts on friendship
Throughout my childhood and adult life I have always found it difficult to make friends, for the sole reason that I have always been introverted, quiet and shy, and that seems to be a problem for some people to deal with. Yet I have been lucky enough to enjoy an enduring friendship with three other wonderful women, which has lasted over 20 years and continues to this day. We initially met as work colleagues and formed our own little group in response to being left out of the 'cliques' which often seem to characterise workplace friendships.
My friends, who are a bit older than I am, are all retired now but we all continue to meet up for lunch or coffee. The other week, when we were fortunate enough to experience that rare thing called 'good weather', we all met up on my day off and enjoyed a very special lunch out in 'the country'. I had such a happy time that day, being with "the girls". They accept me for who I am, and have been there for me in good and bad times. That is the nature of true friendship.
This week I had to come to terms with the end of another long-lasting friendship, a casualty of the fall-out from my 'breakdown' (for want of a better word). The past few months have been an extremely hurtful time, of mistakes, misunderstandings, misconceptions and mistrust. I'm no longer relentlessly cheerful, and I'm no longer going to smile just because people expect me to. But I am trying to move on, and being the typical Libran I am trying to make peace with those whom I may have hurt. But what they don't realise is that I am hurting too.
EDIT: just when everything seemed dark and impossible to overcome, things started to change. I went on holiday and came back free of the darkness which had overwhelmed me over recent months. And that friendship is back on, so all is well :)
EDIT: just when everything seemed dark and impossible to overcome, things started to change. I went on holiday and came back free of the darkness which had overwhelmed me over recent months. And that friendship is back on, so all is well :)
Fitness plan 2015: week 8 round-up
Been a bad girl this week. Did some walking though, but the combination of a sinus infection and some emotional stuff meant that a) I wasn't really well enough to exercise and b) the return of comfort eating, despite my vow that I wasn't going to do that any more.
Oh well :(
Last week I had to go and buy some bigger sized clothes for my forthcoming holiday. I stood in the middle of one of the shops and thought, why am I doing this? I have wardrobes full of lovely clothes, many of them nicer than some of the hideous garish patterned junk passing itself off as spring fashion, but the problem is that I have outgrown them. So there was some motivation, but then real life got in the way again and old, bad habits returned.
It's funny when you read all these newspaper/magazine articles, these motivational stories about people losing large amounts of weight, that when you see the 'before' and 'after' picture, the 'before' picture is inevitably a holiday photo, If there is one consolation for my spring diet failure it is that I am going on a city break rather than a resort holiday, so don't have to worry about how I look in sun dresses or shorts. But if all goes well, we're hoping to get away for our main summer holiday in September, so I'll have just under 4 months to sort it out. AGAIN.
There are still some negative aspects outwith my control, which continue to mess with my mind and get in the way of my good intentions, so I guess my main objective in the coming months will be to try and put all that aside and concentrate on improving my own health and wellbeing. But Brussels beckons, with its beer and chips and waffles and numerous eating out opportunities, so all that healthy stuff will have to wait!
Oh well :(
Last week I had to go and buy some bigger sized clothes for my forthcoming holiday. I stood in the middle of one of the shops and thought, why am I doing this? I have wardrobes full of lovely clothes, many of them nicer than some of the hideous garish patterned junk passing itself off as spring fashion, but the problem is that I have outgrown them. So there was some motivation, but then real life got in the way again and old, bad habits returned.
It's funny when you read all these newspaper/magazine articles, these motivational stories about people losing large amounts of weight, that when you see the 'before' and 'after' picture, the 'before' picture is inevitably a holiday photo, If there is one consolation for my spring diet failure it is that I am going on a city break rather than a resort holiday, so don't have to worry about how I look in sun dresses or shorts. But if all goes well, we're hoping to get away for our main summer holiday in September, so I'll have just under 4 months to sort it out. AGAIN.
There are still some negative aspects outwith my control, which continue to mess with my mind and get in the way of my good intentions, so I guess my main objective in the coming months will be to try and put all that aside and concentrate on improving my own health and wellbeing. But Brussels beckons, with its beer and chips and waffles and numerous eating out opportunities, so all that healthy stuff will have to wait!
Friday, 24 April 2015
Fitness plan 2015: week 7 round-up
Last week's brilliant result spurred me on. I did all the right things, ate all the right things and exercised till my legs could take no more.
But...no weight loss this week. Stayed the same. To be honest I was extremely pissed off about that, after all the sacrifices and time spent exercising this week.
Anyway I've decided to take a week away from the scales next Friday although I'm still going to stick to the plan. Next week's very likely to be quite a stressful week and I don't need to give myself a hard time to add to that. So there will be a report next week, but no weigh-in for a fortnight.
But...no weight loss this week. Stayed the same. To be honest I was extremely pissed off about that, after all the sacrifices and time spent exercising this week.
Anyway I've decided to take a week away from the scales next Friday although I'm still going to stick to the plan. Next week's very likely to be quite a stressful week and I don't need to give myself a hard time to add to that. So there will be a report next week, but no weigh-in for a fortnight.
Friday, 17 April 2015
Fitness plan 2015: week 6 round-up
I wouldn't usually do this till Sunday, but I was so happy with this week's result that I wanted to share it tonight :)
I've been very good this week, lots of home-made soup, fruit salads, lots of water and ridiculous amounts of exercise = 4lbs weight loss. In one week! That's not usually the kind of thing which happens to me, as even when I was doing a structured 'diet' I struggled to lose any more than 2lbs a week. I know this isn't going to be a regular occurrence, but I'm just going to toast my success tonight with a (non-diet) glass of wine :))
I've been very good this week, lots of home-made soup, fruit salads, lots of water and ridiculous amounts of exercise = 4lbs weight loss. In one week! That's not usually the kind of thing which happens to me, as even when I was doing a structured 'diet' I struggled to lose any more than 2lbs a week. I know this isn't going to be a regular occurrence, but I'm just going to toast my success tonight with a (non-diet) glass of wine :))
Saturday, 11 April 2015
Fitness plan 2015: week 5 round-up
After the binge-eating disaster of the previous two weeks (and the reappearance of "the chins"), there was worse to come. At the beginning of this plan I decided not to weigh myself, however curiosity got the better of me and I was faced with the shock news that I had gained five pounds. After coming to terms with this, it was enough to motivate me back into my healthy eating and exercise routine, and back in the dieting mindset again - water, home made soup and fruit have been my best friends this week! I've been a very good girl. *polishes halo*
One change is that I've reluctantly decided to bring back my Friday weigh-ins which I used to do on WeightWatchers. So I nervously stepped on the scales yesterday to discover that I'd lost 2lbs this week. I'm extremely happy with this result as I hadn't done any aerobics this week and only focused on walking and the exercise bike (needed to get the leg fitness back) so in the coming week I'm back to doing my aerobics again in addition to everything else, and hoping to lose another 2lbs.
One change is that I've reluctantly decided to bring back my Friday weigh-ins which I used to do on WeightWatchers. So I nervously stepped on the scales yesterday to discover that I'd lost 2lbs this week. I'm extremely happy with this result as I hadn't done any aerobics this week and only focused on walking and the exercise bike (needed to get the leg fitness back) so in the coming week I'm back to doing my aerobics again in addition to everything else, and hoping to lose another 2lbs.
Monday, 6 April 2015
Fitness plan 2015: week 4 round-up
As predicted last week it was inevitable that I wouldn't have a very successful week - but not only that, I've only gone and spectacularly undone all my good work of the first 2 weeks (and mediocre attempts of the 3rd week).
So it's back to square one yet again from tomorrow, only this time I'm going to add some seriously healthy eating into the equation from now on. I'm banking on the (previously successful) golden trilogy of home-made soup for lunch, after-work aerobics, and gallons of water to help me back on the path to fitness.
Not going to beat myself up over it - let's draw a line under the past week and move right on...!
So it's back to square one yet again from tomorrow, only this time I'm going to add some seriously healthy eating into the equation from now on. I'm banking on the (previously successful) golden trilogy of home-made soup for lunch, after-work aerobics, and gallons of water to help me back on the path to fitness.
Not going to beat myself up over it - let's draw a line under the past week and move right on...!
Sunday, 29 March 2015
Fitness plan 2015: week 3 round-up
...oh don't even ask :(
I will hold my hands up and admit that I just couldn't be bothered this past week. No other reasons. I will try my best over the next few days, although the temptations of Easter and that long holiday weekend are approaching, therefore I'm expecting progress to be very limited in the coming week!
I will hold my hands up and admit that I just couldn't be bothered this past week. No other reasons. I will try my best over the next few days, although the temptations of Easter and that long holiday weekend are approaching, therefore I'm expecting progress to be very limited in the coming week!
Sunday, 22 March 2015
Fitness plan 2015: Week 2 round-up
Two weeks into my fitness regime and it's going very well indeed. I am even beginning to lose inches, and clothes which haven't fitted me in ages are now beginning to fit.
My general fitness is gradually improving. As with last week, I had some intensive aerobic and toning work at the beginning of the week, but I avoided last week's leg exercises which left me unable to walk for a couple of days!
All is not so good on the healthy eating front though....oh well there's always next week I suppose :)
My mood is slowly improving, although there are still some puzzling aspects of life which continue to confuse me and make me sad. But I have decided to stop focusing on bad situations which are only pulling me down.
So it's onwards into week 3 of my fitness plan. This week I'm going to build on what I've achieved so far. I bought a new pair of running shoes yesterday ....
....but no, I won't be taking up running (!) however as I do a lot of walking, then I hope these are going to help my little feet happy while I'm out there pounding the pavements.
I'll be back next Sunday with another update.
My general fitness is gradually improving. As with last week, I had some intensive aerobic and toning work at the beginning of the week, but I avoided last week's leg exercises which left me unable to walk for a couple of days!
All is not so good on the healthy eating front though....oh well there's always next week I suppose :)
My mood is slowly improving, although there are still some puzzling aspects of life which continue to confuse me and make me sad. But I have decided to stop focusing on bad situations which are only pulling me down.
So it's onwards into week 3 of my fitness plan. This week I'm going to build on what I've achieved so far. I bought a new pair of running shoes yesterday ....
....but no, I won't be taking up running (!) however as I do a lot of walking, then I hope these are going to help my little feet happy while I'm out there pounding the pavements.
I'll be back next Sunday with another update.
Friday, 20 March 2015
Eclipsed
(above picture courtesy of the European Space Agency)
Up here in Scotland meantime, the skies darkened in more of a dusky rather than a 'totality' kind of way, despite Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart" apparently trending on Twitter - she hasn't had this much attention since her Eurovision appearance! - and the whole experience turned out to be a bit of a damp squib, mainly due to the unavailability of those all-important glasses. Despite a few enthusiastic colleagues trying to jolly us all into going outside for the big event, I decided to give it a miss this time round. Getting in touch with my 'health and safety' side (a rarity!!) I didn't think it was worth the risk to look up at the sky!
Of course it was probably the missed opportunity of missed opportunities, as there won't be another one for another 75 years and we'll all be long gone by then.
Meanwhile I am quite happy to keep my memories of the last solar eclipse which took place in 1999. We had only been in our new office for a few months when the big event took place. In those more carefree times it was also easier to get your hands on the eclipse glasses, as magazines and newspapers were giving them away more readily in those days. So I was well equipped for the eclipse on that August morning, and it didn't disappoint. There are very few people left in my office who were there on that fateful day, and even less who remember it. But I do, and that memory will be sufficient for me.
Sunday, 15 March 2015
Blogging for life
Last Wednesday, my first born blog EuropeCrazy celebrated its 8th birthday.
I could never have imagined all those years ago where blogging would take me: that through it I would find new friends who share my interests, something which is virtually impossible in the 'real' world; that it would give me confidence to write about the things I loved; and that I would end up going on to produce three blogs and meet my all-time favourite singer twice.
The last 8 years of my blogging life have also been an accurate reflection of my real life: the glory days from 2007 to 2010, and the downward spiral from 2011 onwards. With little exceptions (relationships, holidays and Eurovision) it would be fair to say that since the end of 2010, life has been pretty crap. I get frustrated at not having the time or energy to blog more. I'm 8 years older, the demands of day to day life are often overwhelming, everything has just become tougher to deal with, and my time is more limited than ever.
Yet the alternate-reality of blogging has always provided an escape from the 'real world'. That was why I initially started EuropeCrazy, to give myself an outlet to write about my interests, about all the things which no-one else in my daily life knew or cared about. Perhaps now, more than ever, I need that again.
The one thing I am sure of is that blogging is now such a part of my life that I cannot imagine it not being there. It has not just become a fad or a temporary hobby - it's as much a part of me as everything else in my life and therefore I can't see it as anything other than a lifetime commitment. And for those who think blogging belongs to the past with the rise of Twitter, Facebook, vlogs, Instagram etc, then there is still a lot of life left in the blogging hobby all over the world if these statistics are anything to go by: http://aci.info/2014/12/27/the-state-of-blogging-in-2014/
So I'm in it for the long haul! :)
Fitness plan 2015: week 1 round-up
So the first really serious week of my new 9 week fitness regime has gone pretty well, although it inevitably plummeted thanks to last night's drinks and snacks which accompanied the final chapter of 2015's Eurovision national finals season. As I previously said, I have a lot of posts on the various national finals to write up and publish over the next few weeks, and really need to get on with these!
I had seriously considered taking up a gym membership but quickly reconsidered due to the hefty monthly fees. And besides, what's the point of joining a gym if I have an exercise bike, a mini stepper, hand weights and numerous other fitness items at home? The money which I'd have spent on that gym membership can now go straight into the holiday fund. Talking of which, we are taking our spring city break in Brussels this year, and are pretty excited about that too!
Therefore I decided that I'm getting fit at home, for free. The week started with some pretty intensive aerobics, which I used to do regularly. Surprisingly I coped pretty well, although some of the leg exercises seemed to have the opposite effect and proved just how unfit I am. Yet on the other hand, I felt as if my general fitness levels had increased dramatically after just 3 days, and it also had a very positive impact on my mood too, towards the end of the week.
The one thing I've decided not to do is to weigh myself until the end of the 9 weeks: my main focus is on losing inches, toning up and improving my physical and mental fitness, rather than becoming too focused on what the scales say.
Onwards to week 2!
Thursday, 5 March 2015
Taking stock
Beginning the third month of the first quarter of 2015, and only three weeks away from the start of British Summer Time - yes! - although that feels like a long way off, as it's just been bitterly cold for weeks, and thanks to that very chilly wind it feels even colder than it was at the beginning of the year. I guess that's nothing though, compared to the outrageously cold winter weather which affects many countries at this time of year.
My last post on here was pretty hopeful: I'm settled into my part-time working routine and making it count as I'm continuing to tackle the decluttering and neglected jobs at home, and even found myself in the garden yesterday!
Unfortunately my fitness regime crashed after about a week: I pulled a muscle in my back/shoulder area after carrying some very heavy shopping and was in a lot of pain for a while. And then a lot of other stuff in my life just spiralled out of control over the last fortnight, with the result that the fitness plan was replaced by binge/emotional eating yet again to cope with it all. I don't really want to write about all that stuff, suffice to say that the strain of the past couple of weeks has left me feeling upset and exhausted and I just want to get my life back on track again.
Anyway, some good news as faithful travelling companion and I are now planning our spring holiday (expect an announcement in the next couple of weeks) so this will be my target to get fit and shed a few pounds. What I am most looking forward to is improving my walking fitness, and not feeling so tired/lethargic all the time. I have a mountain of draft blog posts to finish/post but have been too tired lately, so I will get round to posting them eventually :)
In the meantime, there's an exercise bike calling my name....
My last post on here was pretty hopeful: I'm settled into my part-time working routine and making it count as I'm continuing to tackle the decluttering and neglected jobs at home, and even found myself in the garden yesterday!
Unfortunately my fitness regime crashed after about a week: I pulled a muscle in my back/shoulder area after carrying some very heavy shopping and was in a lot of pain for a while. And then a lot of other stuff in my life just spiralled out of control over the last fortnight, with the result that the fitness plan was replaced by binge/emotional eating yet again to cope with it all. I don't really want to write about all that stuff, suffice to say that the strain of the past couple of weeks has left me feeling upset and exhausted and I just want to get my life back on track again.
Anyway, some good news as faithful travelling companion and I are now planning our spring holiday (expect an announcement in the next couple of weeks) so this will be my target to get fit and shed a few pounds. What I am most looking forward to is improving my walking fitness, and not feeling so tired/lethargic all the time. I have a mountain of draft blog posts to finish/post but have been too tired lately, so I will get round to posting them eventually :)
In the meantime, there's an exercise bike calling my name....
Wednesday, 4 February 2015
So that was January...
At the end of that horrible nightmare which was 2014, I decided to throw that year in the dustbin and start 2015 with a blank sheet. 2015 already seems to be an improvement on 2014.
The best thing of all was that I started working part-time. It immediately had a great impact on my mood, mental health and home life. Long-neglected tasks are now being seen to at home, I'm managing my day to day work more effectively, it's all good so far. It's my day off today, so I've had a lie-in! I'm typing this blog post and catching up with a few jobs at home.
I guess the only down side is the financial aspect, as the pay cut has forced me to do some serious budgeting. However there comes a time when you realise that there are other important priorities, and I'm quite happy as long as I have enough to live on and save up for holidays of course!
I have had to make some big sacrifices in other areas, cutting unnecessary spending and stepping up bargain hunting to a new level. I used to be a compulsive shopper but this habit has now been well and truly curbed!
Last year I gained just over two stones in weight in the space of 9 months. That's a pretty frightening statistic, but I didn't feel that it was the right time to throw myself into a fitness regime until a few days ago. Hello again to the exercise bike, weights, mini stepper and walking to and from work. I'm beginning to feel the benefit already, although there is still a long, long way to go. I'm not dieting but slowly reintroducing healthier eating back into my life. The other reason why dieting isn't really happening is that one of my plans for this year was to learn to bake and my first attempt was pretty successful. I made cupcakes on a day off in January using my brand new food mixer and it went well. (I'll post the pictures on here later once I upload them from my phone). Assignment no.2 turned out to be the Great Meringue Disaster. I guess that's one for a later date. Meringue fail aside, I'm planning the next instalment. Be very afraid *evil laugh*.
I'm trying to throw myself into mindfulness, which appears to be working for me most of the time. Even the below-freezing temperatures haven't got me down! Last week we had a lot of snow which still hasn't melted. Anyway I'm taking everything one day at a time, but I'd be a liar if I said there hadn't been dark days over the past month: there have been more good days than bad days though, and the old 'January blues' thing didn't really happen as I was actually relieved to get Christmas, and all that surrounds it, out of the way. One very positive thing was that I managed to overcome my terrifying social anxiety to go to what turned out to be a very enjoyable evening last Friday with faithful travelling companion and his lovely friends.
I took a month out of blogging and tweeting, although the planned internet detox didn't quite get off the ground. (Will maybe try that again in the summer, the way I did a couple of years back). I finally got round to getting my laptop screen fixed as well. Just in time for throwing myself wholeheartedly into Eurovision season of course!
The best thing of all was that I started working part-time. It immediately had a great impact on my mood, mental health and home life. Long-neglected tasks are now being seen to at home, I'm managing my day to day work more effectively, it's all good so far. It's my day off today, so I've had a lie-in! I'm typing this blog post and catching up with a few jobs at home.
I guess the only down side is the financial aspect, as the pay cut has forced me to do some serious budgeting. However there comes a time when you realise that there are other important priorities, and I'm quite happy as long as I have enough to live on and save up for holidays of course!
I have had to make some big sacrifices in other areas, cutting unnecessary spending and stepping up bargain hunting to a new level. I used to be a compulsive shopper but this habit has now been well and truly curbed!
Last year I gained just over two stones in weight in the space of 9 months. That's a pretty frightening statistic, but I didn't feel that it was the right time to throw myself into a fitness regime until a few days ago. Hello again to the exercise bike, weights, mini stepper and walking to and from work. I'm beginning to feel the benefit already, although there is still a long, long way to go. I'm not dieting but slowly reintroducing healthier eating back into my life. The other reason why dieting isn't really happening is that one of my plans for this year was to learn to bake and my first attempt was pretty successful. I made cupcakes on a day off in January using my brand new food mixer and it went well. (I'll post the pictures on here later once I upload them from my phone). Assignment no.2 turned out to be the Great Meringue Disaster. I guess that's one for a later date. Meringue fail aside, I'm planning the next instalment. Be very afraid *evil laugh*.
I'm trying to throw myself into mindfulness, which appears to be working for me most of the time. Even the below-freezing temperatures haven't got me down! Last week we had a lot of snow which still hasn't melted. Anyway I'm taking everything one day at a time, but I'd be a liar if I said there hadn't been dark days over the past month: there have been more good days than bad days though, and the old 'January blues' thing didn't really happen as I was actually relieved to get Christmas, and all that surrounds it, out of the way. One very positive thing was that I managed to overcome my terrifying social anxiety to go to what turned out to be a very enjoyable evening last Friday with faithful travelling companion and his lovely friends.
I took a month out of blogging and tweeting, although the planned internet detox didn't quite get off the ground. (Will maybe try that again in the summer, the way I did a couple of years back). I finally got round to getting my laptop screen fixed as well. Just in time for throwing myself wholeheartedly into Eurovision season of course!
Sunday, 4 January 2015
Obese, apparently
The word stared out of the web page in big blue letters.
OBESE.
There it was, the official announcement. Your BMI (body mass index) is 32.5, and you are obese with a capital O. Not overweight, but o-freakin-bese. A minimum of three stones from the top end of your healthy weight range.
Thanks for that. Rewind to exactly one year ago, when I was two stones lighter, I decided to rejoin WeightWatchers and was going well until my mum got ill, add to that a lot of other personal stress which set in motion what you could best describe as a 'breakdown'. With my mental and physical health shot to pieces, I ate my way to obesity and now find myself taking the "before" picture once again, frustrated that most of my favourite clothing is now out of bounds to the new, obese me, and remembering those times in what feels like the dim and distant past when I could effortlessly power-walk my way to and from work instead of taking the bus because my legs hurt so much now.
It is the beginning of a new year, but this time round I'm taking a new approach. I am not joining a diet class or a gym; the weight gain was down to "emotional eating" so logically, I am going to lose it through "emotional weight loss". For there will be days when I will want to eat soup, and fruit, and low-fat stuff, and drink lots of water; just as there will be days when I will want to eat sweets and crisps and drink wine. I will not punish myself if I've gone off the rails for a day. It will be all about moderation, and mindfulness, but will also take account of the stress and anxiety which seems to dominate my life these days. To return to official 'dieting' would just be one more stress to add to an already long list.
So the diet bores can do what they want. They can join their diet classes, count their points, 'Syns', checks, whatever. I've been there, done that, but at this point in my life I've decided that's not for me any more. I'm re-establishing my relationship with food, on my own terms.
The thing which really worked for me in the past was exercise, which is the absolute key this time round. Why do I need to join a gym or go to classes if I have an exercise bike, a mini stepper, hand weights, a spring rowing exerciser, a powerball, a Slendertone waist belt etc etc at my disposal? Exercise has also been shown to improve mental health and I would agree with this, given that when my own mental health has been at its lowest point, it has always been at a time when my physical fitness levels have been poor, and never more so than now.
So I am heading into 2015 with a positive attitude and a determination to lose the weight I gained last year. No goals, no timescales, just small steps. And no more obesity, please.
I am now taking a break from blogging (and the internet) for a while to go and do some "life stuff", declutter my house, find somewhere to store all the Christmas presents and sales purchases, settle into my part-time working routine...and catch up with a lot of things before Eurovision national finals season takes over my life! Of course I will also be throwing myself into that fitness regime. I will be back at the end of January to update on my progress!
OBESE.
There it was, the official announcement. Your BMI (body mass index) is 32.5, and you are obese with a capital O. Not overweight, but o-freakin-bese. A minimum of three stones from the top end of your healthy weight range.
Thanks for that. Rewind to exactly one year ago, when I was two stones lighter, I decided to rejoin WeightWatchers and was going well until my mum got ill, add to that a lot of other personal stress which set in motion what you could best describe as a 'breakdown'. With my mental and physical health shot to pieces, I ate my way to obesity and now find myself taking the "before" picture once again, frustrated that most of my favourite clothing is now out of bounds to the new, obese me, and remembering those times in what feels like the dim and distant past when I could effortlessly power-walk my way to and from work instead of taking the bus because my legs hurt so much now.
It is the beginning of a new year, but this time round I'm taking a new approach. I am not joining a diet class or a gym; the weight gain was down to "emotional eating" so logically, I am going to lose it through "emotional weight loss". For there will be days when I will want to eat soup, and fruit, and low-fat stuff, and drink lots of water; just as there will be days when I will want to eat sweets and crisps and drink wine. I will not punish myself if I've gone off the rails for a day. It will be all about moderation, and mindfulness, but will also take account of the stress and anxiety which seems to dominate my life these days. To return to official 'dieting' would just be one more stress to add to an already long list.
So the diet bores can do what they want. They can join their diet classes, count their points, 'Syns', checks, whatever. I've been there, done that, but at this point in my life I've decided that's not for me any more. I'm re-establishing my relationship with food, on my own terms.
The thing which really worked for me in the past was exercise, which is the absolute key this time round. Why do I need to join a gym or go to classes if I have an exercise bike, a mini stepper, hand weights, a spring rowing exerciser, a powerball, a Slendertone waist belt etc etc at my disposal? Exercise has also been shown to improve mental health and I would agree with this, given that when my own mental health has been at its lowest point, it has always been at a time when my physical fitness levels have been poor, and never more so than now.
So I am heading into 2015 with a positive attitude and a determination to lose the weight I gained last year. No goals, no timescales, just small steps. And no more obesity, please.
I am now taking a break from blogging (and the internet) for a while to go and do some "life stuff", declutter my house, find somewhere to store all the Christmas presents and sales purchases, settle into my part-time working routine...and catch up with a lot of things before Eurovision national finals season takes over my life! Of course I will also be throwing myself into that fitness regime. I will be back at the end of January to update on my progress!
Breaking bag (or how I learned to love my shopping trolley)
I bought a shopping trolley.
And since that time, I haven't looked back. It was possibly my best purchase of 2014 and has changed my life.
Something else happened since I bought the trolley. In October 2014, the Scottish Government imposed a charge of 5p for every carrier bag provided by all retailers, (where these bags used to be free). This is to ensure that people recycle their bags, but hasn't entirely been a successful move. For example, I previously re-used my supermarket carrier bags as bin liners, but have now ended up buying packs of bin liners, which instead of the supermarket bags are now filled with rubbish and ending up in landfill, thus defeating the purpose of the exercise.
Since the carrier bag charge was introduced, we now gleefully take our stash of carrier bags from rival supermarkets with us, probably much to the annoyance of those stores who, although trying to boast 'green' credentials, would like nothing more than their customers walking out of the stores with 'their' bags, advertising 'their' products.
One knock-on effect of the introduction of the carrier bag charge has been a slow but noticeable increase in the number of people turning up at my local supermarkets with their shopping trolleys in tow. Either that or I may have started a trend among my fellow shoppers!
So, forget the notion that trolleys are only for "old grannies" well that's not true. Anyway, who cares what people think? Don't worry what people say, get out there and wheel your trolleys with pride. Your health matters. Your back, shoulders and arms will thank you for it, trust me :)
Wednesday, 24 December 2014
'Tis the season to be shopping: a Christmas song for 2014
Here is my little Christmas gift to you. I was inspired to write this little song based on four things:
a) The retail mania around the festive season
b) The rise and rise of online shopping while the high street is just a parade of empty shops
c) The popularity of pound shops
d) The failure of certain courier companies to deliver Christmas presents on time.
So may I present: "Fair-retail of New York (or anywhere else)"
To be sung to the tune of that perennial Christmas favourite "Fairytale of New York" by The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl.
It was Christmas Eve babe
In the pound shop
But the empty shop next door
Won't see another one
Cause now it's bargain time
And people queue in line
To buy the most they can
With the little that they have
The tills all go kerching
We can buy everything
But it's not so easy now
As times get harder
So happy Christmas
But who'd have seen the day
When food banks fed the starving people in this country
(Shopper) We can buy everything
Hear the tills go kerching
Yet the shops disappoint me, I can't find a thing
When I first clicked that mouse back in 1999
I knew online shopping would suit me just fine
It was easy, it was magic
High street shopping was tragic
You could buy anything
And everything you liked
While the overpriced shops
Had nothing in stock
I decided the high street
Could go take a hike
The boys of the online shopping sites
Still singing hip-hooray
That's where I bought all my stuff for Christmas Day
(Shop owner) You're a horrible creep
You buy things cause they're cheap
Putting me out of business
And staff on the dole
(Shopper) You rip off your prices
And now my advice is
To head for the web
In search of a good deal
The boys of the online shopping sites
Still singing hip-hooray
That's where I bought all my stuff for Christmas Day
The boys of the online shopping sites
Still singing hip-hooray
But the presents won't arrive for Christmas Day.
I hope you all have a lovely Christmas and that Santa's good to you :)))
a) The retail mania around the festive season
b) The rise and rise of online shopping while the high street is just a parade of empty shops
c) The popularity of pound shops
d) The failure of certain courier companies to deliver Christmas presents on time.
So may I present: "Fair-retail of New York (or anywhere else)"
To be sung to the tune of that perennial Christmas favourite "Fairytale of New York" by The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl.
It was Christmas Eve babe
In the pound shop
But the empty shop next door
Won't see another one
Cause now it's bargain time
And people queue in line
To buy the most they can
With the little that they have
The tills all go kerching
We can buy everything
But it's not so easy now
As times get harder
So happy Christmas
But who'd have seen the day
When food banks fed the starving people in this country
(Shopper) We can buy everything
Hear the tills go kerching
Yet the shops disappoint me, I can't find a thing
When I first clicked that mouse back in 1999
I knew online shopping would suit me just fine
It was easy, it was magic
High street shopping was tragic
You could buy anything
And everything you liked
While the overpriced shops
Had nothing in stock
I decided the high street
Could go take a hike
The boys of the online shopping sites
Still singing hip-hooray
That's where I bought all my stuff for Christmas Day
(Shop owner) You're a horrible creep
You buy things cause they're cheap
Putting me out of business
And staff on the dole
(Shopper) You rip off your prices
And now my advice is
To head for the web
In search of a good deal
The boys of the online shopping sites
Still singing hip-hooray
That's where I bought all my stuff for Christmas Day
I could have had it all
I ordered it in time
But there's no delivery van
My stuff's abandoned
They've not delivered it
So how do I explain
That Santa's overwhelmed
And couldn't bring your presents?
The boys of the online shopping sites
Still singing hip-hooray
But the presents won't arrive for Christmas Day.
I hope you all have a lovely Christmas and that Santa's good to you :)))
Tuesday, 23 December 2014
Mistletoe and whine
Regular readers of this blog will be aware of my often ambivalent feelings around the festive season. One of those things which I could see far enough is the trip to Tesco for the big food shop. Battling an extremely nasty cold (it's not the flu, thank goodness) which started last Monday, then slightly cleared up, only to reappear on Saturday night with a vengeance. It knocked me for six and has left me with a violent cough. So I wasn't really firing on all cylinders when I hit Tesco today. But the big shop is done, I'm many pounds lighter (purse-wise, sadly not weight-wise) and Operation Christmas Dinner - lemon marinaded chicken with home made roast potatoes - is ON.
My sympathies are with the poor staff employed in the retail sector at this time of year, having to endure all the forced jollity, having to wear Christmas jumpers and listen to Christmas albums on a repeat loop. Yet for a season which seems to be becoming more and more long and drawn-out (Christmas cards in August, anyone? No? Didn't think so) Christmas seems to evaporate very quickly indeed and before we know it, we're bombarded with ads for furniture shop sales and we're on to the year-end reviews and retrospectives etc.
Anyway I would just like to wish all the faithful readers of this and my other blogs a very happy Christmas/holidays/whatever your particular preference - hope Santa's good to you all :)
Sunday, 21 December 2014
It's a wrap (almost)
Last week was probably the busiest week of my year. Not only did I have a great night out at the panto (oh yes we did!) but I was also responsible for wrapping a very large number of presents for my section colleagues at work, and trying to buy some last-minute purchases and beginning the big food shop. Busy enough so far, then throw a rotten cold into the mix which I've spent all week trying to recover from, only for it to come back last night. So here I am blogging from my sick bed, I usually do lots of housework on Sunday morning but have allowed myself the luxury of a lie-in today! The good news though is that I'm now on leave and not back at work till the 29th.
There's just a few presents to be wrapped, and some overdue blog posts to be written (the 2014-50 should start making an appearance over at EuropeCrazy at some point this week!). Today is the winter solstice, which is an appropriate metaphor for my own mood. There are little spring-like shoots of happiness beginning to appear, and now that all the things that stress me out in the lead-up to Christmas have now come and gone, I can get on with the happy stuff - spending quality time with mum and faithful travelling companion, and enjoying the luxury of some free time at last.
Now I just wish this cold would hurry up and go away....!
There's just a few presents to be wrapped, and some overdue blog posts to be written (the 2014-50 should start making an appearance over at EuropeCrazy at some point this week!). Today is the winter solstice, which is an appropriate metaphor for my own mood. There are little spring-like shoots of happiness beginning to appear, and now that all the things that stress me out in the lead-up to Christmas have now come and gone, I can get on with the happy stuff - spending quality time with mum and faithful travelling companion, and enjoying the luxury of some free time at last.
Now I just wish this cold would hurry up and go away....!
Tuesday, 9 December 2014
Happy life-changing things
You'll remember that rather gloomy previous post about my miserable year and how I was hoping for this life-changing thing to happen. Well, yesterday it became official.
In January I will join the world of the part-time workers. Well at least for a couple of months anyway, to see how it goes. Working 4 days a week instead of 5 should help me to achieve that much-desired "work-life balance", give me more time to deal with all my extra caring responsibilities whilst improving my focus when I'm at work. And it won't be all work and no play either: I can take mum out for coffee, or some retail therapy during the week instead of at the weekend when the crowds can be overwhelming.
I'm also envisaging a positive impact on my own health and fitness, and am targeting some serious weight loss and improvement in my overall wellbeing. And you never know....I might even have time to blog more regularly. Win-win, I think you'll agree.
So here's to a fresh start and happier times :)
In January I will join the world of the part-time workers. Well at least for a couple of months anyway, to see how it goes. Working 4 days a week instead of 5 should help me to achieve that much-desired "work-life balance", give me more time to deal with all my extra caring responsibilities whilst improving my focus when I'm at work. And it won't be all work and no play either: I can take mum out for coffee, or some retail therapy during the week instead of at the weekend when the crowds can be overwhelming.
I'm also envisaging a positive impact on my own health and fitness, and am targeting some serious weight loss and improvement in my overall wellbeing. And you never know....I might even have time to blog more regularly. Win-win, I think you'll agree.
So here's to a fresh start and happier times :)
Friday, 5 December 2014
My 1000 Hours and the inspiration of Niall Breslin
If you've been a regular (or even occasional) reader of my main blog EuropeCrazy, you may remember that over recent years I have been a big fan of the Irish singer/songwriter Niall Breslin, better known as Bressie. At the height of his fame he decided to quit his music career and focus on other projects. As time went on we learned that Bressie had experienced anxiety and depression throughout his life. There is so much misunderstanding and stigma around depression and mental health issues - and this is very close to home as it's something which I continue to struggle with on a daily basis - and I think it's truly inspiring that Bressie has used his fame to speak out and raise awareness.
Bressie's latest venture is a new website called My 1000 Hours http://www.my1000hours.com
The website focuses on holistic fitness and will be one of my go-to websites in the months to come, check it out for lots of helpful tips on dealing with emotional and physical fitness.
Bressie's latest venture is a new website called My 1000 Hours http://www.my1000hours.com
The website focuses on holistic fitness and will be one of my go-to websites in the months to come, check it out for lots of helpful tips on dealing with emotional and physical fitness.
Pulling myself back from the brink
I've been in a pretty dark place for much of the year: balancing the unrelenting stress of day to day life and a full-time job, with being a full-time carer for my mum, who is not the same person she was before she got ill earlier this year, and the impact this had on my physical and mental health. I never thought that at the beginning of the year that I would end 2014 at two stones heavier than I was at the start of it. But we all have different ways to deal with stress and bad times, and binge eating was mine. Even though I've been overweight for a number of years, I always maintained a high level of fitness but even that went this year, to a point where the pains in my legs became so debilitating that I couldn't even walk for long periods.
Just weeks after my return from holiday, I spiralled into a deep depression, struggling with daily panic attacks, and I completely shut down. That seemed to be the tipping point for intervention, acknowledgement and clarity. I won't go into detail just now as there's some pending stuff which will help me to deal with it all; I don't know how it's going to go, but, well, it's worth a try. I've also read a number of articles on the internet about being a carer, and these are helping me so much.
There is one other major thing in the pipeline (what I have called the "life-changing thing" on my Twitter feed). It is now out of my hands, and I don't want to count my chickens, but if it happens, then life is about to get a million per cent better (ok I know there's no such thing as a million per cent, but hey...). And if it doesn't happen, then I'll just have to deal with it. But for the moment I'm hanging on to hope, with fingers and everything else crossed.
Before this post descends into a one-way ticket to self-pity city, there are reasons to be cheerful. Although certain elements of the Christmas season relentlessly annoy me, regardless of how I'm feeling, I'm still looking forward to being around my loved ones and sharing happy experiences. Two weeks from tonight, I'll finish up for a week's Christmas leave and I can't wait! When almost every minute of your day and night is accounted for, particularly at this time of year, it's difficult to make time to make positive changes, losing weight, getting fit etc - I don't make new year resolutions, but those are definitely on the to-do list for 2015. I also have new challenges and ambitions for the year ahead, so we'll see how far I get!
I suppose the thing I'm saddest about is that I haven't really had much time or energy to blog this year, but I can only hope that next year will be better in the blogging department. And we are now in Eurovision season: if that's not a mood-enhancer, then I don't know what is...!
Just weeks after my return from holiday, I spiralled into a deep depression, struggling with daily panic attacks, and I completely shut down. That seemed to be the tipping point for intervention, acknowledgement and clarity. I won't go into detail just now as there's some pending stuff which will help me to deal with it all; I don't know how it's going to go, but, well, it's worth a try. I've also read a number of articles on the internet about being a carer, and these are helping me so much.
There is one other major thing in the pipeline (what I have called the "life-changing thing" on my Twitter feed). It is now out of my hands, and I don't want to count my chickens, but if it happens, then life is about to get a million per cent better (ok I know there's no such thing as a million per cent, but hey...). And if it doesn't happen, then I'll just have to deal with it. But for the moment I'm hanging on to hope, with fingers and everything else crossed.
Before this post descends into a one-way ticket to self-pity city, there are reasons to be cheerful. Although certain elements of the Christmas season relentlessly annoy me, regardless of how I'm feeling, I'm still looking forward to being around my loved ones and sharing happy experiences. Two weeks from tonight, I'll finish up for a week's Christmas leave and I can't wait! When almost every minute of your day and night is accounted for, particularly at this time of year, it's difficult to make time to make positive changes, losing weight, getting fit etc - I don't make new year resolutions, but those are definitely on the to-do list for 2015. I also have new challenges and ambitions for the year ahead, so we'll see how far I get!
I suppose the thing I'm saddest about is that I haven't really had much time or energy to blog this year, but I can only hope that next year will be better in the blogging department. And we are now in Eurovision season: if that's not a mood-enhancer, then I don't know what is...!
Monday, 27 October 2014
Back to the blogs
In addition to my much-increased caring commitments, it's been a mixture of laziness and bloggers' block which has kept me away from blogland over recent weeks. However, a few nice things happened recently, which have helped me turn the corner and get back into a happier place.
- The holiday: Trogir in Croatia was brilliant, and brought me the peace and calm which I'd been searching for, for so long.
- My birthday: I had a fabulous time thanks to the generosity of my loved ones, friends and colleagues. It just reminded me how lucky I am to have them in my life.
- I quit dieting: I never realised just how much pressure I was putting on myself to lose weight, and totally beat myself up about it when it never happened. Since that time I have stayed the same and neither gained nor lost, but the main thing is that the pressure is gone. So I have had to buy some larger clothes, but it's not the end of the world.
- I got mindful: yes it's a 'thing' at the moment, but I'm trying to practice mindfulness, living in the moment. It may sound a lot of new-age-gubbins to some, but it seems to be working for me and for some other people I know. Unfortunately there is no solution in mindfulness for time-managing your backlog of telly programmes/box sets so I'll need to work on that one :)
Sunday, 28 September 2014
18th September 2014: that independence referendum.
45% of Scottish voters said yes: I was one of them. However, 55% of Scottish voters said no, therefore Scotland will remain in the United Kingdom.
I was on holiday in Croatia during the week of the Scottish independence referendum, and had cast my postal vote (pictured above) in advance. As the arguments became more heated in the run-up to voting day, I was glad to be away from it all. What more could I say or do? Once I had made my decision to vote yes, that was it. There was no going back, no changing my mind. I may be a typical indecisive Libran but once my decision is made, I will always stand by it.
Being surrounded by No voters in my working environment, coupled with the torrent of scare stories being fed to us by the mainstream media, I had an idea that No would triumph. It was hope versus fear, and of course I understand why a lot of people just don't want to take that risk, that chance, that leap of faith into the unknown. So, despite my own high hopes and desire for change in this country, I can understand why people would vote no. It was their choice.
What I wasn't prepared for was the level of disappointment which I felt on the morning of Friday 19th September. As I woke to another bright and sunny morning in Trogir, I reached for my tablet and went online to discover the result. In just one second it felt as if we'd been plunged into the abyss, soundtracked with the sound of a nation's bottle crashing. And my other thought: "how am I going to explain the result to that lovely Croatian girl in the hotel who couldn't understand why we would not want independence?".
Hope had been replaced with hopelessness, with only Glasgow, Dundee, North Lanarkshire and West Dunbartonshire daring to dream of a new future.
Someone asked this question during one of the televised debates and I thought it hit the nail on the head. In the last days of the campaign, the leaders of the UK's three main political parties suddenly remembered that Scotland existed and they came north in a last-gasp bid to save the Union, and even went as far as to jointly sign a promise that Scotland would be given extra devolved powers in the event of a No vote. This 'vow' appeared on the front of the Daily Record, and was supposed to convince the remaining don't-knows to vote No.
But as we all know, it wouldn't be the first time that a political promise turned to dust. Just hours after the referendum result was confirmed, the debate was suddenly steered in a different, federalist direction, and the possibility of extra devolution was now buried beneath new arguments about powers for England, Wales, Northern Ireland....and a general feeling that we should all now move on and forget that the referendum ever happened. I have never liked Alex Salmond or the SNP, but the referendum was bigger than that. When Salmond conceded the result on 19th September, he did it with statesmanship and dignity, and then he later announced that he was stepping down as First Minister and SNP leader. Nicola Sturgeon is very likely to be his successor, which will mean that the three main political parties in Scotland will all be led by women. Whether you agree with their politics or not, that gives you an idea of Scotland's progressive potential.
Of course we need to move on: dwelling on the result can leave you looking like a sore loser filled with sour grapes, but moving on should mean building on what the referendum started - a feeling of democracy, empowerment and a desire for positive change. People are doing it in different ways: whether joining the Scottish National Party, participating in the '45' movement, keeping the arguments alive online, but as a 'working-class Yes voter looking for a political home' I feel that the time is right for a new party to be established in Scotland, or some kind of new alliance to represent us. I found this fantastic article by Cat Boyd which perfectly articulates my own views: http://bellacaledonia.org.uk/2014/09/23/a-scottish-podemos/ I can only hope that someone, somewhere steps up to fill that political void.
Regardless of the result, I'm glad the referendum happened. It provided a rare opportunity for empowerment and democracy, and it woke Scotland up. The next big challenge is staying awake and keeping the momentum going.
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