Cleaning out my closet 2015-2016: the results

When I came home from work today there were a couple of letters from Cancer Research UK for me among the usual bills and junk mail.

As part of my ongoing decluttering exercise at EuropeCrazy HQ - now on hold for a little summer break - over the past year I filled a number of bags of perfectly good clothing which was either too small/too big/too 'what was I thinking'? and took them to our local Cancer Research charity shop.

I never thought any more of it until today when I received those letters, which advised that the sale of my clothes had raised just under £150 (including Gift Aid) for the charity.  Although I still have many reservations about how various charities are unnecessarily wasting money, I can only hope that this little contribution will benefit someone, somewhere, battling this horrific illness which touches everyone's lives.

Summer Fitness Plan 2016: week 5 recap

Everything comes to she who waits.

Well, it's only Thursday and I'm a few days early with this one, but...when the news is this good, you just have to share it.

I weighed in today instead of tomorrow, (as I'm off work tomorrow) to discover a very happy shock indeed - I have lost 4½ lbs this week!  No....I didn't believe it either!  I can't ever remember losing this much weight in a week.  We are doing these informal weigh-ins at work until September - and I was advised that I was "slimmer of the week" so far.  All this is completely new to me and you'd have thought I'd won the lottery with my reaction to that news! What an amazing way to start my long weekend :)

So what happened this week?

On Monday and Tuesday my legs gave up, as they struggled to recover from that intensive gym-and-swim workout on Sunday.  Some serious muscular pain going on, which prevented me returning to the gym until yesterday for yet another before-work session.  It's quite surprising just how busy the gym is at 7.30am, and I wasn't too happy to discover that my newly-discovered spinning bikes and rowing machine were being monopolised by other gym-goers!!

But that aside, there were some small victories yesterday.  I managed a little more time on the Arc Trainer, which, to the uninitiated is a more do-able variation on the cross trainer, which remains out of my league.  For now, anyway :)

This morning I tried something new: I decided to try a pre-work swim.  A few weeks ago I bought one of those "swim dresses" but it wasn't very practical in the pool if I'm honest.  So I found something else a couple of weeks ago which proved to be an alternative solution for my self-consciousness about wearing a swimsuit....This is something called a "boyleg swimsuit" which doesn't really sound too appealing - but it absolutely does the job.

I mentioned a "swim" but my new strategy in the pool is actually more improvised aqua-aerobics in order to build up my upper body and leg strength before moving on to, hopefully, bigger and better things.

So 20 minutes in the pool gets me leg and arm stretches, star jumps, bounces, dog-paddles, leg kicks and all kinds of variations on the aqua-aerobic theme.  Between the pool and the gym, what has really surprised me is that my confidence is growing by the week.  That initial "walk of doom" from the changing room to the gym or the pool is now just the most natural thing.  Since I took out my membership, what has particularly fascinated me is the number of older people at the gym and the pool.  I had worried it would be full of the young, fit, "beautiful people" who would leave me feeling more intimidated, inadequate, overweight and well, just plain "old".  But that's not the case.  Instead, I've found myself among a whole new set of role models, possibly 10/15 years older than I am.  I ended up chatting to an older couple this morning in the pool, who would have put much younger swimmers to shame.  They, and many of the other people I have encountered in the past four weeks, inspire me to do so much better.  In a very youth-centric society, they should be an inspiration to us all.

And my worries about doing exercise as a solitary activity when everyone has an exercise-buddy with them, have proved unfounded.  Stick your iPod on, with a playlist of dance bangers, and you quickly forget how self-conscious you feel about being at the gym on your own.

Most importantly: I'm enjoying this new fitness regime, to the point where I'm perfectly happy to change my whole routine, get up early and go to the gym before work, and eagerly planning my next gym/swim session.

My plan in the coming week is to build on what I've achieved so far and try and fit in some extra sessions.  Eventually I am hoping to do some exercise classes, which will be another mountain to climb, battling the fear of going to a group-activity on my own, but I won't go down that road yet until I have reached another level of fitness where I'll be confident enough to participate at a decent level.

In the meantime...onwards to another week of healthy eating and exercise!  Although there will be some interruptions along the way :)

Summer Fitness Plan 2016: week 4 recap

Four weeks in and one thing is very clear: my body is working against me and sabotaging itself.  In the past four weeks there has been one very bad fall and some accident-prone bumps and bruises along the way.  Finally, just a few days ago I accidentally bashed my left knee off my desk drawer pedestal at work, resulting in a lot of pain.

I also had a very busy week at home which meant that I never made it to the gym at all, however increased my walking to a minimum of 2 miles per day.  I also got back on the exercise bike to try and pedal the pain away.

And then there was the dieting.  I had a very good week, eating all the right things and cutting out the junk food. So by the time my Friday weigh-in came, I expected, finally, some good results.

Wrong.

For I had gained 2½ lbs.  In one week.  I don't even gain as much as that on holiday.  In previous weeks, I felt pretty downhearted about gaining, or not losing.  This week I just felt angry and frustrated, and wanting to just ditch it all for good.  My boss suggested that the gain was probably due to building muscle, whilst one of my friends at work helpfully suggested that because I am now three years menopausal (which in itself caused a huge weight gain and a major down-turn in my physical and emotional health) and "of a certain age" that I might want to start feeling happy in my own skin and accept that this is how it's going to be from now on.  I can understand that; people's bodies do change, and having gained a ridiculous amount of weight over a very short period of time, maybe it wasn't all just comfort eating. Maybe middle-age spread is a thing after all.

But I can't even blame genetics - no-one in my family is even remotely overweight, both my mum and gran were very slim at my age.  And then I see people at the gym, who are a lot older than I am, who are in very good shape indeed. So I'm not giving up just yet, although dieting continues to depress me if I'm honest. Especially when it's not bringing results.

So a new week starts here - will this be the week when that turnaround finally happens? Answers in 7 days. In the meantime, in the immortal words of Rihanna it's time to work-work-work-work-work....

Update:  An hour after writing this post, I returned to the gym for a 45 minute workout, followed by some improvised aqua-aerobics and a brief attempt at a swim - I managed a breadth of the pool (don't laugh, that was a major achievement!).  That session this afternoon was very important: I tried out some new equipment including the rowing machine and a spinning bike.  I also realised how much I like being at the gym, and that there is genuine enjoyment there rather than it feeling like a chore. Which is something to build on in the coming weeks.

Summer Fitness Plan 2016: week 3 recap

I didn't do a recap last week as it was a total write-off: I had a bit of a pain-relapse after my fall, so the gym was a non-starter.  And then it was Eurovision week, so everything else had to wait!

I started building up my fitness again at home and the pain eased off enough for my long-awaited return to the gym at the start of this week.  Since I always feel very tired when I come home from work, my bright idea was to go to the gym first thing in the morning, before going to work.  That originally sounded quite ambitious but it worked for me.  Even at 7.30 am, the fitness fanatics are pounding the treadmill, or giving it the full Sir Bradley Wiggins on the exercise bikes, and as for the weight-training area....well the less said the better.  Then this out-of-shape, unfit, middle-aged woman walks into the room, and she just feels like a square peg in a round, super-fitness-shaped hole.  But everyone has to start somewhere.  I quickly turned my fear into this aloof gym persona, where I just walked through the door with my head held high, and my iPod on, with a "gym playlist" packed full of 'dance bangers', ready to tackle my half-hour workout.

I repeated my early morning visit on Thursday morning, and by then my confidence had increased a little, although I still feel uncomfortable entering the weight-training area....anyway that didn't put me off the shoulder press and leg curl machines.  My favourite at the moment is the leg press, because I'm trying to build up strength in my legs and reduce the constant pain which has been a side-effect of that huge weight gain of the past couple of years.

Apart from the gym visits, I was back into dieting-mode this week, so what could go wrong?  Well, I gained weight.  Half a pound to be precise.  Which I'm really not too bothered about, it's only half a pound.  So we'll call it muscle mass :)

Summer Fitness Plan 2016: week 1 recap

Well, a lot has happened in the past 7 days.  The story so far...

I took out a membership at the local sports centre last weekend.  On Monday I had a day off work and thought I'd use it constructively.  First stop, the pool, for an aqua-aerobics class to ease myself in. That really did the trick, although it's tougher than it looks to do all those exercise moves in the water!  I also had a few stretches in the pool to help loosen up some very stiff leg muscles.  A quick trip to the sauna and then home for a while before returning to the sports centre for a pre-arranged gym induction.

I have always found the idea of going to a gym to be very intimidating, so it was an achievement even walking through that door.  However it wasn't long before I was trying out all the various machines.  As I have an exercise bike at home, it was good to try out some variations including a recumbent bike.  The cross-trainer was more difficult than I remember, as my co-ordination is not the best!

Having left the gym feeling a little tired, but also with a feeling of triumph that I'd plucked up the courage to go, I headed home.  However, shortly after returning home I had a nasty fall in the house which resulted in excruciating pain and some horrible bruises all over my legs.  So I could forget a quick return to the gym and the pool will have to wait until those bruises have cleared up.

Happily, the pain didn't last too long (although I'm still badly bruised so can forget the pool for a while) and I was back in the gym on Thursday, trying out some more of the equipment.  My fitness journey has a long, long way to go, but I've made a start.

Since coming back from holiday I've been trying to eat healthily.  It was a very pleasant surprise to discover that I'd lost 1¼ lbs since my last weigh-in before our holiday.

This week: hoping to slot in a couple of trips to the gym in-between what is going to be a very busy week indeed.  Not only is it Eurovision week but there's lots of other stuff going on as well.

Doing the thing I said I'd never do...

Regular readers of this blog over recent years will be well aware of my numerous efforts to lose weight and get fit.  But here we are almost halfway through 2016 already, and I have now reached a point where the most drastic measures are required.  Prior to my holiday in Madrid, I had started dieting again and weighing-in every week.  After just a couple of weeks it had already taken its toll on my emotional wellbeing.  Can dieting make you feel depressed?  In my case it did, and pushed me completely over the edge, turning me into an anxious wreck.  Yes, that's what two weeks of dieting did to me.    

One major fact became clear: just as in 2010/2011 when I had my most successful phase of weight loss, I combined healthy eating with exercise.  But fast-forward a few years and it's all very different. My fitness levels are at rock bottom and my weight is the highest it's ever been.  The past two years have taken a horrible toll on my mental and physical health.  I have reached a stage where I now need help and support to get back to an acceptable level of fitness.

So today, I did the thing which I said I'd never do.  I took out a membership at the local sports centre, which includes the gym, swimming and fitness classes; the plan is to get stuck in over the next 4 calendar months and see where it goes from there.  Hoping that my fitness level is in a better place by the end of August and I can then cancel the membership and go back to doing my own exercising at home.

Today I bought a fab new swimsuit, one of those "swim dress" things which cover a multitude of flabby bits!!  Looking forward to getting back in the shallow end with my hilarious attempts at "swimming" which is more like aqua-aerobics really (!)

In the meantime I'm keeping the healthy eating and weigh-ins going, but I'm not going to get so stressed about it this time as there will be the mood-boost provided by all that exercise, fingers crossed :)

Progress reports on my Summer 2016 Fitness Plan to follow on here every Sunday from now until the end of August.

The gambler!

Apart from the annual office sweepstake on the Grand National, I have never been inclined towards betting on horses or indeed gambling in general.  There are a number of personal reasons why I have been anti-gambling throughout my life, because I have seen up close how it has had a devastating impact on people's lives and relationships.

However, last year I decided to nervously dip my toe into the waters of the Eurovision betting market and put bets on a few songs. I managed to win some money however due to my naivety on how each-way betting worked, among other things, I ended up with a very small deficit due to the money which I bet on the other songs. 

This year I have decided to make my return to the ESC betting scene.  I've learned lessons from last year and have bet some very small amounts on a few songs to win or place in Stockholm.  Of course that will probably be the kiss of death and none of them will make top 5, but you never know! I'm not telling you which ones I've bet on - all will be revealed after the contest.  

Anyway back to the office sweepstake.  There seems to be a bit of gambling-mania in my office so all the tickets went very quickly and I missed out on a horse this year.  Then I thought, why not apply the small-bets rule which I've used for Eurovision songs and put a couple of quid on the National?  So I had a look at the list of horses and picked out three of them, putting a very small amount on each and not expecting to win anything.  One was called Gallant Oscar, one was called Goonyella, and being the long-time Take That fan that I am, I just had to choose Rule The World.

So you can imagine my excitement when Rule The World won the Grand National yesterday and Goonyella came 5th!  My combined winnings = £20, which may not seem like much to some of you, but I'm delighted considering the extremely small stake which I put on the three horses.  (Gallant Oscar wasn't so gallant after all). 

I guess you'd call it beginners luck! I'm going to spend my winnings on something special for myself. After all, it's money that I never had before, so I'm treating it like a gift and closing that gambling door again until next year's Grand National.  I'll do the same with Eurovision - if I'm lucky enough to win, then it's treat time, and that will be that, until ESC 2017. 

In the words of Kenny Rogers, you gotta "know when to walk away" from gambling.  So if that's your thing, please gamble responsibly!

In with (some more of) the new

Since my last post on here, my home-improvement efforts have continued - that's when I've not been too exhausted to function.  So there was lots of painting and decorating and preparation for having new carpeting fitted in the hall and staircase last week.  Nevertheless I'm quite happy with how much I've managed to get done over the first three months of the year.  That was the plan - to do as much as I could in those dark winter months so that by the time our "summer" comes, I can put my feet up and take it easy.  When I'm not involved in the damage-limitation of so-called gardening of course :)

There is still so much to be done at home: but it's a challenge when you do all your own painting/decorating/DIY, especially if you work full-time in a mentally demanding job, you're not as young as you used to be, and your fitness levels are a long, long way from ideal.  So I'm taking a little break from the paintbrushes and returning to the keyboard over the next couple of weeks to clear that backlog of outstanding blog posts over at EuropeCrazy  before we head off on our spring holiday (destination known and to be revealed soon)

There is also the small matter of getting fit again.  There has been no dieting, no exercising, and I haven't been in the best place emotionally so there was comfort eating.  Lots of it.  Not a good thing. But it's only April, so I've got 6 months to get in shape before the big summer holiday (destination completely unknown at this time!)

Year of change (part 2)

Just as a follow-up to that last post: over the last two weeks, I made some very radical changes to the living room - every piece of furniture disappeared, either to charity shops or to be uplifted by the council.  Seven days ago, my new sofa and chair arrived - very comfortable they are too! - and a few days later they were joined by new sideboards and cabinets and a new fireside rug.  It has been a very hectic few weeks and the upheaval almost matched that of moving house :( and as for painting and decorating the staircase, well this was much more challenging than I'd imagined.

However it's only the beginning and there is so much more to do, but I'm taking a well-earned rest for the next week or two before picking up the paintbrushes once again.

As I said in the last post, it's a year of change.  And some of these changes have been very drastic and sudden, with some unexpected results.  Things have happened to other people and this has left me feeling a bit shocked and sad, and disappointed.  I have so many feelings running around my head about that whole situation, I can't really write about them here, but suffice to say that I'm trying to come to terms with some big changes in my daily life.  I guess you can't really change things which are outwith your control, but I just need to find some new strategies to deal with new situations, or at least to carry on with the calm attitude which got me through recent weeks.

One very positive change in my life has been the opportunity to rebuild some family relationships, and that seems to be going well.

But overall, at the moment, all I feel is exhaustion from that very busy start to the year, and right now I feel a bit sadder than I've been in a while.  But it will pass.

A year of change (and it's only January)

OK so January is almost over, but already it's had some drastic effects to say the least.   There have been dark moments (a couple of my friends have been unwell) and there are major changes afoot in my working environment in the coming weeks which will have a major impact.  2016 - I'm still having problems coming to terms with the fact that it's 2016! - has also brought some positive stuff too.  

For the first time in years I'm not solely focusing on "the dieting" as a new year begins - but I have kicked off the new year in a more productive way than I could have ever imagined, finally beginning to tackle those long overdue painting and decorating jobs - they have been a trial! - and revamping my home with the addition of new furniture over the next couple of weeks, followed by some new carpeting and the biggest decluttering exercise in years.  Yes, people, I have become something I never thought I'd become - a home-improvement bore :(

I'm spending my last night sitting on that very uncomfortable sofa which along with my two chairs (all being well) will be uplifted tomorrow, before the much more comfortable new sofa and chair are due to be delivered in a few days' time.  

The passport photo

Yesterday I submitted to the 10-yearly ritual of having my passport photo taken, with predictably depressing results.  The 2006 photo at least still had something remotely youthful about it, although in retrospect the impulsive black hair maybe wasn't such a good idea as I spent the subsequent 10 years on every shade of the hair colour spectrum with everything from bright orange to my current toned down mix of auburn/mid-brown hair.

Looking at my new photo which will represent me on my passport for the next 10 years, I can't help but feel more than a little bit depressed.  For I have puffy lines on my cheeks which weren't there before, and I just look....well, I just look old, and tired.  Now despite being fortunate enough to have inherited those fabulous genes from my mum and my gran which means that I can get away with looking, well, at least a few years younger than my real age, the passport photo completely overturns that theory.

As if that wasn't bad enough, I had to push up my trademark long fringe, as per passport photo guidelines, so that didn't please me either.  But rules are rules, so I'll just have to live with that.

On the positive side, the passport photo is a necessary evil of a new passport, which, fingers crossed, means travel opportunities ahead (health and finances permitting of course) and more holidays to write about over at http://europecrazy.blogspot.com.

Life means all that it ever meant, it is the same that it ever was

It's Christmas Eve today, I've been on holiday from work yesterday and today, with a mixture of housework, relaxation and naturally some seasonal overindulgence.  This morning I placed the presents under the tree, and what a nice array they are too.  Tonight I'll have my traditional visit from Santa (who looks suspiciously like faithful travelling companion) and we will exchange our presents. Just a normal Christmas Eve then.

Only it's not.  For it is another one of those milestones.  My first Christmas without my mum.  I was dreading it, but surprisingly I am getting through it.  Why?  Well, because along with all the love and kindness she gave me, she also instilled the self-sufficiency and resilience which were a very strong aspect of her personality - and which she also inherited from her mother.  It's those qualities which have kicked in over the past few months and enabled me to deal with the unbearable grief and loss, and also given me the strength to get on with life.  In the same way that my mum did after my gran died.  Because that's what we do: it is our own way of grieving.  Life goes on, and it is to be lived.

We all grieve in different ways, but we still grieve.  Because there isn't a minute of the day when I don't think about her.  There isn't a moment when I don't miss my best friend.  We had so much fun together.  I miss the laughs, and the daft nonsense, the swearing-like-a-trooper at the TV, and of course her love-hate relationship with the Eurovision Song Contest.  There is just this constant emptiness and a feeling of "going through the motions".  But I am adjusting to living on my own, slowly but surely.  New memories are to be made.

But maybe the reason that I don't feel so alone is that I still feel her spirit, her presence here with me. And when I have a good day, I tell her.  When I have a bad day, I tell her that too.  And tomorrow - Christmas Day - I will be going out with faithful travelling companion and his mum for Christmas dinner; a new happy memory to be made.  And there's plenty of other things to keep me going over the next few days - blogging, tweeting and watching foreign telly to name three.  And with Twitter, I'm never alone :)

Among the many sympathy cards I received in the summer, one particularly stood out as it had a poem which particularly resonated with me.  It made me cry floods but it also made me smile too, because every word is so true and I have revisited it many times and taken so much comfort from it over the past 5 months.  And it has helped me to work through my own grief, and helped me to understand that it is ok to smile, and laugh, for she will always be alive in my heart.  If you are reading this post, I hope you can take comfort from this poem too.

An ill week, a happy day, and finally cracking Christmas

If this blog is turning into a rather gloom-laden place then please accept my apologies; rest assured that I want to take it in a more upward direction in the weeks and months to come.

But the past seven days have been an extremely miserable place as last Thursday I fell victim to yet another horrible viral infection, a very similar one to that which I had in June, which had its usual 'leftovers' which left me struggling to get through the week, battling a constant cough as well as the usual sinus hell which these things always leave me with.  As if that wasn't bad enough, my eyes decided to come out in sympathy on Monday. So we can add conjunctivitis to an already growing ailment list.  On a totally shallow note, the worst thing about the eye infection was that I had to go eye make-up free to work for two whole days.  The horror of it! :))  My boss, who I can also luckily call my great friend, had a good chuckle at my predicament, but then she can get away with anything!!

Today I woke up and the red-eye was gone.  Normal Laura was resumed, my trademark eyeliner and mascara back on, and if I can just shake off this horrible post-viral cough all will be well once more. The down-side of the past week has been a loss of appetite and struggling to eat, which is definitely not like me!

For various other reasons, today was a very good day.  I won't go into all of it, as it involves other people whose privacy will remain private, but their happy news made me very happy too.  I also had a brilliant trip to the theatre today, review to turn up eventually (definitely before Christmas) over at EuropeCrazy.

I'm beginning to feel like I'm finally cracking Christmas.  The whole Christmas card writing, and accompanying letters which I always send at this time of year, has turned out to be more therapeutic than I first thought.  I am triggering/grasping opportunities to re-establish broken family links because life is too short and I'm quite frankly fed up of meeting people only at funerals rather than on happier/normal occasions.  I don't know where it's all going but at least I can say that I tried :)

December thoughts

Regular readers of this blog won't fail to have noticed my numerous attempts at trying to lose weight and get fit, whether via an official plan or doing my own thing.

Over recent weeks I've been doing a bit of stocktaking of my life: the things I want or need to change, and also recognising the things which hold me back, particularly through the dark and cold winter months.  I came to the conclusion that I don't need the additional stress of tracking everything I eat and weighing myself every week, especially when I'm in the midst of fluctuating emotions whilst dealing with the winter months - always a danger point for my mental health, and when you pile on the big post-bereavement milestone: Christmas, then something has to be done.

So I have decided to ditch "the dieting", not just for the moment, but for good.  For it is just one more stress I can do without.  Sometimes a little thing is the tipping point for a big decision.  In my case it was a workmate's birthday recently, when there was some delicious home-made cake on the go.  (One of my friends/colleagues is a fabulous baker and she also baked a cake when it was my birthday).  Suddenly I went into "dieting mode" and initially declined the cake.  But then something happened.  For at that moment I decided - why not?  My most successful non-official-dieting phases have resulted from a combination of moderation and exercise.  When I could have my cake and eat it.

The kind of low I'm experiencing now is different from this time last year: where last year was damaging and dangerous at least I had mum.  Now, all I feel is emptiness and a sense of going through the motions every day.  It's as if my feelings and emotions have been ripped out.  It's only when I'm with faithful travelling companion that I'm brought back to life.

Strangely enough, I seem to have morphed into the 'old me' at work, the person who used to be quite upbeat and chirpy. That's maybe just my way of repaying the kindness which everyone has shown me over the last 5 months, and maybe just my way of dealing with day-to-day life.

I had a day off work today and put up the Christmas tree.  Mum was very particular about how the lights were put on the tree, and how the baubles were arranged.  Well, there may have been a slight dip in quality control (and sorry mum, but there's probably a million things I can do better than putting lights on a tree) but hopefully she'll have approved.

We don't have a 'colour scheme' and some of the baubles even date back to the 70s and 80s (yes!) but it will always be "our" tree. Things won't really change this Christmas.  Like mum, I was never really into having a lot of decorations up, so apart from the tree there's only a few little ornaments around the fireplace, including mum's favourite little wind-up snow globe (below) which plays "White Christmas".

The next big task will be sorting out the Christmas card list, something which was always mum's "job" so I'm not really looking forward to it.  At least the cards and stamps are bought.  I've been pretty organised this year and concluded the Christmas shopping by the end of November.

In between all this festive planning, I am looking to the future.  Over recent weeks I started doing up the house, and this will continue in the coming months. Last week I went sofa shopping with successful results - so it will be out with the completely uncomfortable three-piece suite and in with a very comfy sofa and chair in the next 3 months or so.  New furniture and carpets will be purchased, and there is a lot of painting to be done.  So I'll need to keep myself fit for all this hard work ahead. Which brings me back to my original topic.  Without the pressure of counting, tracking and weighing, I might even enjoy the rest of the winter, with the freedom to eat more of what I want (in moderation of course), but upping the exercise as it will be "time to start paying - in sweat!!"

I'm going solo. Oh no you're not! Oh yes I am!

You will have guessed by the title of this post that it's panto season - oh yes it is!  And even if much of the Christmas hype leaves me cold, then there is one particular Christmas ritual which was always the exception: a trip to a pantomime.  That was always my "big day out" with mum. But this Christmas, as with about 99.9% of everything else in my life, it's going to be different.  For I am going to do something which is either brave or crazy or for many people is probably just a no-no.

For I have decided that I'll be going to a panto on my own, over the festive season.  (And don't worry, all is well with faithful travelling companion but 1) panto's not his thing and 2) he has other commitments on my panto day).

It's very sad that society seems to dictate these 'norms' that everything should be done as a couple, a group or a family.  Perhaps those who dictate these norms are maybe just uncomfortable in their own company.  Why shouldn't you go somewhere on your own?  Why should we be denied the right to enjoy entertainment just because we're unaccompanied? There are reasons why - even if we do have someone to go to the theatre with - it's not always possible to hang out with them on a particular day. (Talking of which, apart from the panto, I will be going to another theatre show before Christmas, again on my own).

My mum had a very refreshing "f***-it" attitude to a lot of things: she was so unconventional in so many ways and I guess that's one part of her personality which I'm glad to have inherited.  And even though it's a daily struggle to adjust to living alone, perhaps I've gathered some strength and courage too as I grow more and more used to my own company.  So although it will probably be difficult, walking into that theatre on my own, when the lights go down, it doesn't matter who you are or who you're with.  And as for filling those awkward minutes during the interval, I've got a survival strategy for that too - oh yes I have! - yay for mobile phones and wi-fi :)))

Christmas Challenge 2015: Week 2 weigh-in

No change.

My weight stayed the same this week - to be honest I'm very disappointed with this result as I've mainly been sticking to the healthy eating plan, and have reintroduced my after-work aerobics sessions.  This has quickly had an impact as my fitness levels are slowly rising.

The challenge for the coming week is to increase my water intake as I know I'm not drinking enough water at the moment.

Despite this week's result, I'm not going to beat myself up about not losing anything - just keep on with the plan and the exercising and see where it takes me.

Christmas Challenge 2015: Week 1 weigh-in

So after restarting Slimming World, and being a very good girl and tracking all my syns, I had high hopes for a decent weight loss this week.

Well, I did lose weight - but only 1lb.  Still I'm not complaining - if this continues over the next few weeks I'd lose half a stone for Christmas - and if I was lucky enough to lose 1lb every week for the next 6 months, I'd almost be back to my target weight. So it's onwards into week 2, with a big focus on exercise this week.  I have no energy at all at the moment, so that really needs to change.

EuropeCrazy's Christmas Challenge starts here!

What's that sound?  Well, it's the sound of the internet (ok then, the 7 or 8 people who still loyally read this blog!) groaning at the thought of yet another one of my attempts to lose weight.  Since I came back from holiday I've made a couple of feeble attempts and joined a pedometer challenge at work which was a real wake-up call - everyone always thinks that I do a lot of walking but I was shocked to discover that most days I didn't manage to achieve the required 10,000 steps a day.

It's just over 7 weeks until Christmas so I'm keen to shift a few pounds and more importantly inches before gluttony season kicks in.  My attempts this year haven't been too successful, but with the year I've had, that doesn't surprise me.  But rather than focusing on failure, I've decided to rewind to a time when I achieved genuine success - the period between autumn 2010 and spring 2011 when I went down to my lowest weight in years and dropped dress sizes. Back then I was on Weight Watchers whereas now I'm on Slimming World.  Both are very good plans but the key thing is to stick to them; over the past few months my commitment hasn't lasted beyond a week (!) so this time it's all about meal planning, food diaries, and the reintroduction of exercise.

Oh an it's weigh-in day tomorrow....

Adventures in wallpapering / Retail therapy

I decided to take a couple of days off work yesterday and today - it's a very nice feeling still to have lots of annual leave left to take by this time of the year.

Over the last couple of weeks I've been gathering painting and decorating supplies together, as I've decided to paint or redecorate almost every part of my house in the coming weeks and months.

First for a new look was my bathroom, which I've treated to a nice new, stylish and modern look with grey/silver tiling-on-a-roll.  After removing the old wallpaper (which turned out to be a bigger challenge than I expected) this revealed a rather damaged wall full of holes and lumps and bumps. I'm not one for blowing my own trumpet but it's nice to discover a new talent for plastering walls!

After all the preparatory work, yesterday was wallpapering day.  When I was growing up, I was very lucky to have two very determined female role models in my life - my gran and my mum - whose basic philosophy in life was self-taught self-sufficiency.  So basically as I got older I learned to sew and make my own clothes, to paint and even fit carpets - although my carpet fitting days are now over (it's too stressful!).

The one thing I was always scared of was wallpapering, something mum and gran did with ease. But when mum and I moved into our current home several years ago, I was thrown in at the deep end and quickly learned this new skill.  But I was never really happy with that old papering job in the bathroom.  And every time I raised the subject with mum, she'd always come back with "there's nothing wrong with it!"

But the fact remained that, apart from being my own biggest critic and constantly striving for better, the bathroom was in need of a new look. I was talking to someone the other week who said that "you'll want to make the house your own" which immediately triggered a Louis Walsh moment :)

Anyway after hours of work - complicated, as you will see, by trying to match the wallpaper's very complex and random tiling layout (pictured above) - the job was finally done.  So please excuse me if I stand back and have a little happy and proud moment, because I'm very happy with how it turned out.  I've said this before, but even though mum's not physically with me, she's definitely with me all the time, guiding me along.  The voice in my head.  Although she always hated grey....

After a hard day's work it was time for a nice dinner last night with faithful travelling companion at one of our fave local eateries :))

Today was all about the October Shopping Trip, something I usually do at this time of year - buying a new winter jacket and new boots, as well as dipping my toes into the bottomless pit that is Christmas shopping!  My heart really goes out to the poor retail staff in a certain very popular card shop who will have to endure the Christmas songs on a repeat loop for the next 9 weeks - for it has started already!

As I've previously mentioned on here, I've gained a horrific amount of weight over the past year and a half and due to one thing or another, it's been pretty impossible to shift.  So it was with some regret that I had to go up yet another size for my new winter jacket (pictured above).  As for the boots, I finally found a pair which happily stretched to accommodate a pair of muscular - not fat! - calves which were always a problem even when I was a couple of stones lighter.

So today was a very productive day!  Back to work tomorrow and then I'm planning the most relaxing weekend in a long time - really need to write some blog posts too :)

The long and the short of it

On Thursday I went to my usual favourite local hairdresser at lunchtime for my occasional haircut. Nothing unusual there, but this time I went for something a bit more drastic than usual.  For most of my adult life I have had long hair, varying in length from just below the shoulder to waist-length, apart from a few years ago when I had all my hair cut into a spiky crop for a couple of years.  Around that time there seemed to be this notion that "you shouldn't have long hair when you are getting older".  But I was only in my mid-30s at the time, but looking back now, it's strange that I should have thought that way.

As the years went on I firmly believed that short hair was not me.  Long hair is versatile, you can style it and wear it a number of ways. But it can also be hard to manage, and when "the change" comes along you are faced with a new challenge - head sweats and soaking hair.  It's uncomfortable, and embarrassing when sweat is pouring out of your head, down your face, running into your eyes and making your eye make-up run. Looking around I now understand why so many women of my own age and older are all walking around with short hair.

On Thursday I sat in the chair in the salon and surprised my stylist with a different request from the usual.  This time round it's not the spiky crop of years ago.  I have never been a fan of the 'bob' haircut - it does look nice on some people but it's not really for me.  So asking for a layered bob was a new departure and a big risk.  But I dismissively chuckled "it's only hair!" as I sat in that chair watching strands of my long hair cascading to the floor.  My hair grows quickly, so at least if I don't like this style then it won't be long until it turns into something more my taste.

I returned to work where my drastic new hairstyle was very well-received.  They seem to be more enthusiastic about it than I am.  Yes, it is a very good haircut, but, well, it's just not me.  I think it makes me look older as well (although I met someone in the street the other day who exclaimed "it takes years off you!").  It's early days, but I can't see myself sticking with this hairstyle in the longer term, so I'm going to grow it out a bit and see what that looks like.  Anyway I'm not going to worry about it.  After all, it's only hair.

Small moments

I meant to blog last week but it's been a very busy week (apart from those outrageously lazy times). My birthday turned out to be a very special occasion.  I'm always at work on my birthday, apart from when it falls at weekends.  All my friends and colleagues at work made it a very special day.  It's as if I could feel this silent acknowledgement that my non-milestone birthday was to be just that bit more special this year than usual, after these horrible few months.  What a happy day I had, with lots of lovely gifts, beautiful cards and kind wishes.  

Of course it goes without saying that faithful travelling companion played a huge role in giving me a very happy birthday! :)

I've decided to throw myself into some major (and long overdue) painting, decorating and home improvement over the next few months, which will provide a major interest/distraction - not to mention some very hard work as I do all my own painting and decorating!  

It's now 14 weeks since I lost my mum.  And it is the small moments which continue to rip me to shreds.  Today my friend went to our GP for her flu vaccination.  And then it hit me hard.  This is October.  This is the month, possibly the week, when I should be taking mum to the doctor's for her flu jab.  But I'm not.  

I have never cried at work since mum died, but today I came pretty close, just because of that small moment.  And when those small moments happen it's like the world crashes to a halt.  But then it starts again, and I hear her voice telling me to get on with life again. 

Milestones

My year seems to be marked out by milestones.  Eurovision season.  Our May spring break.  Our September holiday.  My birthday.  The flu jab.  The inevitable gloom of October to December, and so on.

We have just returned from a fabulous holiday in Mallorca, and I fully intend to publish my holiday diaries over at EuropeCrazy within the next couple of weeks.  Anyway the next milestone is my birthday, this coming Wednesday.  Unfortunately my return to work (after my traditional 2 week September holiday break) comes just before my birthday - I need to get that right one of these years, as everyone seems to take their birthday off :)

It's not a big birthday, but it's a milestone nonetheless.  For it will be my first birthday without my mum.  And even though she didn't make a big thing of birthdays (and Mother's Day was deemed a non-event, as per both mum and gran) I am anticipating that Wednesday is going to be a day of very mixed emotions.

EuropeCrazy's World Of Slimming: Week 12 weigh-in

Forgot to post this yesterday - just a quick post to say that I lost 1lb this week.  Normally I would be delighted with that result, but I felt quite disappointed as I expected more from the combination of following the diet + very punishing fitness regime.  Oh well....onwards :)

EuropeCrazy's World Of Slimming: Week 11 weigh-in

Took a week off weighing in and fell a bit spectacularly off the wagon.  I know I wasn't going to weigh myself for 2 weeks but stepped on the scales this morning and discovered I'd gained 1lb.  I had a 'retail therapy' day off during the week, but forgot just how unforgiving those fitting room mirrors in Next can be!  

Regular readers of this blog will have lost count of the amount of times that drastic measures were required, but I'm at that point yet again.  I already have a lot of fitness equipment at home, but have purchased another couple of fitness-related things and have written up a structured exercise plan for the next few weeks, along with strictly sticking to the Slimming World plan.  I really need to boost my energy for this holiday and for the months ahead

It is very hard to lose weight when you're not in a good place, but my mood has picked up over the past few days so I'm now really focused on making progress.  It's now or never :)

Bad times

It's been 6 weeks now since I lost my mum and, well, it's really kicking in now.  I feel sad, distressed, distracted, and lost.  In the beginning there was important stuff to do, things to be seen to, and not a day went by without some official matter to be dealt with. But now, there is just an undescribable emptiness, and a sadness which is impossible to overcome. Only the love and support of faithful travelling companion, and our impending holiday, is getting me through it all.  But otherwise, over the past couple of weeks I've struggled to get through every day, and this week has been the most overwhelming one yet.  Every moment of every day, I am reminded of how much I miss my best friend.  Particularly when I've had a bad day. In the past I would have come home and she would have given me a big hug and made everything better.  I miss her so much, and getting on with life is turning out to be even more of a challenge than I'd ever imagined.   But that's not really surprising. For it's hard to lose a loved one, but to lose not only your mother but your best friend, whom you've spent your whole life with, is just too much to bear.

Wednesday was particularly difficult, with all the talk at work about arranging a Christmas night out. Regular readers of Random Ramblings will be aware that I struggle with the whole concept of Christmas at the best of times, so needless to say I just can't face the thought of it this year. And I don't do nights out anyway, least of all in a year when my world has fallen apart.  The inevitability of that time of year approaching was enough to tip me over the edge.  There is also one Christmas-related thing which I've been involved in for the last few years, which inevitably dominates (and arguably ruins) the lead-up to the 'festive season' but that is outwith my control,  And I know it's still 19 weeks away, but once you hit August and September then it's downhill all the way.  In past years I've written too much on here about how miserable the lead up to Christmas can be, so I've decided not to mention it so much this year.  And anyway, faithful travelling companion has a plan to get me through Christmas and I'm going with that.

At least I still have blogging to keep me going, so I am planning to publish some outstanding blog posts over at EuropeCrazy in the next week or so, including those long-overdue Eurovision reviews and some other stuff as well.

EuropeCrazy's World Of Slimming: Week 9 weigh-in

Despite a couple of heavy falls off the dieting wagon this week, I was generally quite well-behaved and got a lot of exercise in, resulting in a loss of  another 1½ lbs this week. I'm quite happy with that, although need to step it up a gear or two in the next few weeks so that I can fit into my holiday clothes.

EDIT: I've decided to take a couple of weeks off the weigh-ins.  Going through a bad time at the moment and could do without the added pressure of trying to lose weight every week.  Therefore the next weigh-in will take place on 30th August.

EuropeCrazy's World of Slimming: Week 8 weigh-in

Despite being more "blunderwoman" than "Wonder Woman" this week, as I battled some painful injuries which prevented me from getting on with the exercise regime, I was reasonably well-behaved (apart from a couple of disappointing crisp-eating binges), and stuck to the healthy eating.  I was also able to get on the exercise bike for short periods so all was not lost.

I've lost 1½ lbs this week, which is a very satisfactory result.  I've also been food-planning for the week ahead so that combined with exercise should hopefully ensure another good result next Sunday - but I need to stick to the plan!

Total weight loss since start of plan: 2½ lbs
Total BMI reduction since start of plan: 0.5

EuropeCrazy's World of Slimming: Week 7 weigh-in

I gained 4lbs this week.

That's right, 4lbs.  But it was inevitable, as I fell into the trap of emotional eating to deal with life after mum's death.

This time last week, I had planned to get back on the fitness regime but that was easier said than done. So I have undone practically all my good efforts.  Time to start again.

Total weight loss since start of plan: 1lb
Total BMI reduction since start of plan: 0.2

I have decided to keep this going until December so have a little while yet to turn things around.

EuropeCrazy's World of Slimming: Week 6 weigh-in

Surprisingly my weight stayed the same this week.

It has been a really tough week emotionally and physically, You can't follow a diet when you're struggling to cope with the constant pain of grief and emptiness. Unfortunately I have been binge eating, snacking and craving the "wrong" foods. But that's just emotional eating, and that's what I do when things get too much.  

I am sensible enough to know that this way of dealing with a situation can't go on, particularly because my binge-eating spiralled out of control over the past year, sending my mental health into freefall.  If anything, I owe it to mum to keep myself mentally and physically fit, so for that reason I am going to start working on my fitness as from this week and get back to the eating plan. 

The first days of the rest of my life

After a hectic week of making arrangements, non-stop phone calls and rushing around, I was close to exhaustion.

'Boredom' is not a word which has ever figured in my vocabulary, and there is always so much to do at home.  The list of unfinished jobs, unwatched DVD box sets, unread books etc is long enough to ensure that it'll be a long time before I'm looking for something to do, to occupy my mind.  Then there is the diet/fitness regime which will be crucial; history has shown that when my weight increases and my physical fitness deteriorates, my mental health goes into freefall.  Mum wouldn't want me to end up in that dark place again.

But right now, I don't really want to do very much at all.  I am craving rest, and sleep, and complete relaxation.  I am now knee-deep in grief, and loss, and complete emptiness, and trying to come to terms with how I am going to live without my mum.  I can seem 'fine' and then there are sudden, explosive moments of painful sobbing.  And while I have taken great comfort from everyone's love and support since it happened, the fact remains that I can't go and and tell her any more about something I wanted to share with her.  Bus journeys just got a lot bleaker, because I can't phone her to tell her I'm coming home.  There are so many situations which I won't be able to share with her any more.  Last night I wondered if I would ever be happy again, or to be more precise, would I ever have the right to be happy again?  But then I keep remembering mum's letter to me, and her telling me to get on with my life and not be sad.  And I am not alone - I have faithful travelling companion, and my life is filled with love.

I am going back to work tomorrow.  Some people have questioned this decision, but I don't feel that it will do me any good to take more time off.  Since my mum passed away, the loneliest moments have been those spent on my own, at home.  Talking to people, something I've always found very difficult, has suddenly become easier, and the interaction with others has been a comfort.  It has taken tragic circumstances to make me realise just how much my work colleagues and friends care about me, and I will never forget their kindness.  So that's the reason why I'm going back tomorrow.

EuropeCrazy's World of Slimming: Week 5 weigh-in

It will come as no surprise to learn that I have not been sticking to my plan.  After being unable to eat very much over the past two weeks, my appetite finally returned.  In recent days I haven't been following the healthiest diet ever.  "Comfort eating" always seems to be my default response to bad times.  So it was also no surprise to learn that I had gained 1lb this week.

From tomorrow onwards I will attempt to return to a healthy eating and fitness regime.  I just need to find the motivation to get there.

Thursday: my mum's funeral

One week ago today, I lost my mum.  And today, we all said goodbye.

When I woke up this morning, the sun was shining, but my heart was in the darkest place.  I sobbed relentlessly, I was physically sick with nerves, crippled by worries, hoping that everything would go ok and that I wouldn't let her down.  My legs felt like jelly, I could hardly walk.

In the intervening hours before the funeral, I got myself ready and focused on mundane things like washing up and listening to local radio (now that is what you call mundane).  My mum was unconventional and would have hated to be described as a traditionalist, so I had already decided that I would not wear black; rather, in personal tribute I would wear a purple dress, because purple - all shades and tones of it - was my mum's favourite colour.

Of course I have been very lucky not to go through all this on my own.  Faithful travelling companion has shouldered so much of my grief and pain, and has always been there for me. We have been through so much together over the years, and I will love him forever.

On our arrival at the church, I was taken aback by the amount of people who had turned up.  So many of my workmates were there and I made sure that I took time to speak to them before the service began.  As the years pass and the number of close family members dwindle, I didn't expect too many of them to be there, but my lovely cousins all made it.  And I was to happy to see my mum's two dearest friends who live nearby.  And my own lovely friends made it, which also made me so happy.

Inevitably, I was overcome with grief when mum's coffin arrived.  My poor, sick, frail little mum. Yet I managed to find the strength to make it through what turned out to be a lovely and very personal service, accompanied by some of mum's favourite hymns which I had personally chosen. Towards the end, the priest invited me up to give my 'eulogy'.

I went on to tell some of the stories I'd written about my mum's life, and the happy moments we shared. I'm certainly no stand-up comedian and I can't tell a joke to save my life, but the words I had written just bounced off the page as I spoke with love for my mum, whom I had shared my whole life with.  I looked out into the congregation to see smiling faces, and there was lots of laughter. There were no tears of sadness as I spoke - how could I be sad about a lifetime of love and happiness?  At the end of my little speech, everyone applauded!  Applause in church - that was incredible.  All I wanted to do was to make mum happy today; I think I did.

As we followed the coffin out of the church, I broke down again.  I know we were on a tight schedule, but I was determined to talk to as many people as I could, outside the church, because I wanted to thank them for coming today.  I lost count of the number of hugs I received.

We travelled with my uncle and cousin on the way to the crematorium, and there were some very welcome laughs in the car, which completely lifted my mood.  By the time we reached the crematorium I was a lot more calm.  I knew the drill at the crematorium because I'd been there before, a few years ago.  Two of my mum's favourite songs were played, prayers were said, and the curtains closed.

In one way, there was a strange sense of relief that it was all over, after the exhaustion of recent days, yet everything still feels so surreal.  Time is strange.  Every day I ask myself several times, "what day is this?".  Today didn't feel like Thursday. But no days have really felt like the way they should be.  I know that a few people are questioning my decision to return to work on Monday, but I need to do this.  Mum would certainly want me to get on with life.  Due to annual leave followed by sickness followed by bereavement, I've been off work three weeks, so it's time to go back.  I am grieving regardless of where I am, so I'm as well at work where there are friends and colleagues to keep my spirits up and keep me grounded, and where there are many opportunities to keep myself occupied and distract myself from this unbearable sadness.

I went home after spending the afternoon with faithful travelling companion.  That bus journey home was completely bleak.  But things got better when I arrived home, as I'd decided to just spend tonight relaxing and doing absolutely nothing.   I need to be on my own tonight. No phone calls, no texting. I feel completely exhausted, and need to rest.  There will be other days or nights when I will think about the new routines in my life, about what meals I'll eat, about how I'll manage my depleted finances, about the major, life-changing decisions....but tonight is not one of those nights.

More cards arrived today.  Tonight I counted 24 cards on display in my living room, and I continue to feel overwhelmed by the love and support of everyone around me.

It has really helped me to write about everything which has happened over the past week.  If you have been reading these posts, then thank you.  If you have taken any comfort from what I've written, then it's all been worthwhile.

Already I am thinking of several 'positives' which I can take from the darkest experience of my life, because no matter how dark things got, my mum would always look on the bright side (I feel a song coming on!). But the best thing I can do is just get on with living my 'new normal' life, to face each new challenge ahead.  It's a strange thing to say for someone in an age group usually described as "middle-aged" (ugh) but I feel as if I've grown up a lot this week.  I am my mum's legacy, and the best thing I can do for her is to be the best person I can possibly be; to travel through life with an open mind, to respect and help others, to embrace both new and familiar experiences, to maintain good health, and to be happy.  But I'll finish with a quote - the other day, one of my friends said that "you are your mother's daughter".  And that's the nicest thing I could ever want to be :)

Wednesday: realising the value of true friendship

I am overwhelmed by the number of sympathy cards which I've received in recent days, from loved ones, family, friends and colleagues.   I cried a lot today, because I would read the cards and many of the words would just be so true, and so lovely, that it would tip me over the edge again.  Whilst out for coffee with two of my closest old friends at lunchtime today, I met a number of my work colleagues (the coffee shop is just minutes away from the office) and every one of them has been so kind and genuine, which has been genuinely touching,  I will never forget their kindness.

A little update from yesterday: I will be reading the eulogy.  I rehearsed it twice tonight and got on fine, although I was sitting comfortably in my living room at the time, on my own, and not in  front of a congregation. Public speaking terrifies me to the point that I had to stop giving training courses at work a couple of years ago.  But this is different because I wrote it, I believe in it, and I just want to tell everyone who will be there tomorrow, about everything from her hobbies and talents, to her beliefs and values, and what my mum meant to me, with a couple of (hopefully) amusing little anecdotes thrown in to reflect her refreshingly unconventional personality.

This morning I felt incredibly stressed, agitated and frustrated, but that soon passed.  The passage of time has been very strange over the past 8 days since my mum was admitted to hospital.  On the one hand it has flown by, on the other hand it has felt like months.  Days and nights have been packed with necessary tasks and tnumerous phone calls (last night's on-hold experience led to my mini Twitter rant).  But I have thrown myself into the practicalities, and the to-do list is considerably reduced.

For someone who often finds it difficult to talk to people, I have surprisingly been able to speak calmly to everyone about what happened last week.  But the fact remains that there is a crushing pain which feels like Pac-Man crunching his way across my body, and that pain has never gone away since last week; neither has the sheer exhaustion.  So although I may seem not too bad on the surface - other people are more worried about me than I am - this painful sadness is constantly with me.  I continue to seek solace in the internet, reading inspirational articles to comfort and help me through these painfully sad days.

The thought of tomorrow is unbearable, but I have faithful travelling companion, the most loving, caring and supportive person I could ever want in my life.  We will get through tomorrow together.  I owe it to mum not to let her down.

Tuesday: rest, relaxation and gathering my thoughts

After the last few hectic days I decided to make some time for myself today, and not do very much at all.  There are still some things to be done, but I've prioritised and decided that the less urgent things can wait.  Today is not the day to be spending 3 hours on the phone to one utility company or another, trying to change the bills to my name.  That's for another day.

This morning I phoned friends and colleagues about the funeral.  48 hours from now, it will all be over, and I will then start to get on with my new life, living on my own.  (That Freddie Mercury song has just popped into my head).  

The other day I began typing up a few notes about my mum's life, and for the last couple of hours I have finally turned these into a very personal eulogy.  In an ideal world, I would want to stand up in church and read it myself, because I was the one who lived with her, who knew her best.  But I probably won't be allowed to, and the priest will probably think it's too long and it will have to be edited, and....etc etc.  Maybe I've just become too 'secular' after all.

But I want to tell people about her childhood, her personality, her bright and beautiful mind, her fight for social justice, her love of words and poetry, and football, and music, and Irn Bru, and chocolate, and the love and laughter which filled our life together.  So I have put the words on paper, in language as heartfelt and honest as I can find.  And if I'm probably not allowed to read it, hopefully the words will convey what I want to say.

This afternoon I'm feeling more at peace with myself.  I'm not phoning or texting anyone, and am actually enjoying this quiet time, just me and the laptop.  Writing these blog posts is also therapeutic.

Last night I also had the very welcome distraction of watching Le Tour with faithful travelling companion, although even then I had a wobble as I remembered how mum would also ask me every year to explain race tactics, and the peloton, and the lead-out train, and why the person who won the stage wasn't automatically the race leader.  And she would always ask me if you could buy those lions anywhere - TdF merchandisers were totally missing a trick, weren't they?

Tomorrow I will meet my old friends for a coffee in town, and later on I will have to decide what to wear on Thursday.  But I'll think about that tomorrow.

One week

I'm staying up a bit later tonight, out of choice.  Inevitably I think back to exactly one week ago, when we both sat up late, watching all those late-night shows on the food channels on TV.  At that time, there was no indication what the next 24 hours would bring.  I didn't know that my mum would end up in hospital.  Last Monday night, we ended up watching an old Hairy Bikers show about Belgium, and I pointed out the places which faithful travelling companion and I had visited on our recent trip to Brussels.  24 hours ago tonight, I was the one who was unwell; off sick from work due to a horrible chest infection, struggling to breathe and coughing every minute.  How things change.

Among my friends there is this underlying narrative of worry, given that I had a bit of a breakdown, for want of a better word, last year.  I guess that there is this worry that I may fall apart and sink into the deepest of deep depressions again, with all that brings.  But I somehow don't think I will; I need to hold onto that hope.

One of my best friends said that "the first year would be the worst".  But there is no time limit on grief.  There are those 'milestones': notably Christmas, which popped into my head the other day. Should I forget all about it?  Or should I put up the tree which was much-loved by both of us?  That's for another day.

As ever, I'm finding a lot of solutions on the good old internet, and my connection is like a lifeline to another, more "normal" world which temporarily distracts me and stops me thinking about how miserable and empty I feel.  Of course blogging is the most therapeutic thing I can do, and I think that once 'all this is over' I will throw myself into my hobbies and interests.

The other thing I am going to do, all being well, is to return to work full-time after a 6 month trial period of part-time hours.  I'm going to have a lot of my time on my hands from now on, so I need to fill it constructively.

Monday: another day on the rollercoaster

Recent days have been packed with activity; jobs which need to be done, agencies which need to be advised of changes of circumstances, and friends and family who need to be updated.  Talking to people is never easy, but in this instance the 'rallying-round' which seems to be a familiar part of life following a bereavement, has been a great comfort to me.  There is also a force and strength driving me onwards through this.  Mum is with me and is guiding me.  She wouldn't want to see me fall apart.  And that's what's keeping me going.

After various hold-ups and hiccups, the funeral arrangements were finally confirmed for this Thursday.

Today's toughest task was getting to grips with arranging a religious funeral, in line with what my mum would have wanted.  It has been a long, long time since organised religion was a part of my life, so the task of choosing a few hymns - and crucially, remembering the ones she used to like, all those years ago - turned out to be more drawn-out and complicated than first thought.  I became sad, and irritable, and even a little bit frustrated that a religious funeral means that the "send-off" isn't going to be as personal as I'd have liked.  But I've written a 'eulogy' of sorts, of edited highlights from her life, so along with the hymn choices, then that's as personal as it'll probably get.  I don't even know if I'll be allowed to play a couple of my mum's favourite songs at the crematorium.   Rules, huh?

What has impressed me throughout this process is the dignity and sensitivity shown by everyone over the past week.  From the wonderful nursing staff who cared for mum in her last days in hospital, to the registrar who went above and beyond, to the funeral directors' staff, and everyone else, all have been so kind and sensitive, and it gives me hope that there are some good people out there doing such good work.  If it can also inspire me to practice the same sensitivity in my own working life, both to my colleagues and to the public, then I will have learned a very valuable lesson indeed.  

Surprisingly, I have come to treasure the peace and solitude of night-time.  (The only thing I treasure more is the love and support of faithful travelling companion, who has been there for me every step of the way.)  That 'me-time', no matter how mundane - watching TV or reading the latest trending topics on Twitter - means a lot.

I feel exhausted, emotionally, mentally and physically, and I fell to pieces a few times.  It'll be a while yet before I can reintroduce my trademark eye make-up, that's for sure.  My body is wracked with pain, because of all the tension and stress.

In the meantime, I want to do as little as possible tomorrow, apart from make a few phone calls and sorting some stuff out with the church.  Some much-needed rest would be welcome, and I'm going to take it and enjoy it.

By the way, this was my 400th post on Random Ramblings.  Much more to follow, I'm sure.  

EuropeCrazy's World of Slimming: Week 4 weigh-in

With everything that has happened this week, slimming has been the very least of my priorities.  But life has to go on, and so it is time for my weekly weigh-in.

I have lost 1½ lbs this week, bringing my total weight loss to 6½ lbs in 4 weeks.  I would probably attribute this week's weight loss to not really eating very much at all; apart from everything else,  I am still slowly recovering from that nasty chest infection and my appetite has not yet returned to normal.

BMI reduction this week: 0.2
Total BMI reduction so far: 1.1

The letter

You will probably have read my post over at EuropeCrazy about my mum, but I also want to post some stuff on here over the next few days as it is really helping me get through this most difficult of weeks.  Even if she was a technophobe and never really quite understood blogging or social media, mum was fascinated with my blogging hobby and was very impressed that I had made some lovely friends all over the world because of it.

My mum's organisational skills ensured that every area of her life was taken care of.  A few years ago, she told me that she had written a letter which was not to be opened until she was no longer with me.  Yesterday, whilst gathering paperwork to register her death, I found that letter and finally plucked up the courage to open it.

Yet I needn't have worried.  For it was filled with words of hope, encouragement and inspiration, not in a sickly emotional way (she hated that kind of stuff!) but also filled with love and humour and the plain-speaking honesty that was her trademark.  My mum was very "matter-of-fact" and in the letter she went on to leave me a lot of helpful instructions and advice, not just for now but for the longer term. I have read this letter numerous times over the past 2 days, and it never fails to comfort me.  

Today I began the process of arranging the funeral, although for various bureaucratic reasons the arrangements won't be confirmed until Monday.  Tomorrow I will make some more phone calls to update friends and family, but tonight I'm ensuring that I'm having a night of "me time", catching up with my telly backlog, having a couple of glasses of wine and then watching some YouTube clips later on.  The way Saturday night always was.....

Dark days

Out of the blue, and unexpectedly, my mum was admitted to hospital again yesterday. There's a number of different things wrong with her, but all I will say is that she is very ill at the moment.  In that situation, every little glimmer of hope is grabbed with both hands; whether it's tiny improvements in a blood test, or little moves of the arm and leg, or the tiniest little bit of mumbling....every one is an achievement.

During my visit to hospital earlier today, she suddenly became conscious, opened her eyes and said hello to me, and that was probably one of the happiest moments of my life.  She is very weak and frail, but she is also one hell of a fighter, as previous illnesses have proved.

She has received terrific care from everyone in the hospital since she arrived, which gives me great hope for her recovery.  I am going back to visit her tonight and can't wait to see her again.  This house is such an empty (and quieter) place without her around :(

EDIT: I visited tonight, and there was no change....if anything, there was more cause for concern than this afternoon, but at least she did become more conscious towards the end of our visit and there were even a couple of funny moments.  But my heart feels so heavy right now as she is not getting any better....

EuropeCrazy's World of Slimming: Week 3 weigh-in

I had looked forward hto my week off and had planned lots of things to do, and goodies to eat!  At the beginning of the week though, I took a very sore throat which turned into what I initially thought was just a cold, but then went into one of those horrible virus-infection-things, leaving me with a horrendous and constant cough, no energy at all and a complete lack of appetite.  I was very annoyed at the timing of this, as the very same thing happened to me over Christmas, but at least I was off work and was able to sleep when I wanted to, which was very often.  Especially as the coughing fits completely blew my sleep routine to pieces.

Although I have a little more energy, I'm still a long way from feeling well and am worried how I'll cope tomorrow when I have to go back to work.  My colleagues will probably need earplugs to cope with the volume and extent of the coughing fits.

But I digress.  There is a weigh-in to be done today, and this morning the scales revealed that...

I've lost 2lbs this week!  Which is great news, although I'm never happy when weight loss is due to illness/loss of appetite.  However I won't refuse a 2lb weight loss!  Added to the previous 3lbs, this makes a total weight loss of 5lbs over the past 3 weeks.  That might not seem like much to some, but it's a lot to me as I really struggle to lose weight.  And as my friends keep telling me "it gets harder to lose weight when you get older" (thanks for that!) so it's an even bigger achievement.  So far so good!

BMI reduction this week: 0.4
Total BMI reduction so far: 0.9

EuropeCrazy's World of Slimming: Week 2 weigh-in

I just realised that I forgot to post this last week.  After my very successful first week I persevered and stuck to the plan, so was very disappointed to discover that I hadn't lost anything at all last week and had stayed the same.  Or as Slimming World reassured me, I had 'maintained' my weight loss which I suppose is putting a positive spin on it.

Anyway it was onwards to another week.  The original plan for this past week was to take a break from my slimming plan as I was having a week's holiday off work, what has become my annual June 'staycation'.  Events were to take a nasty turn however...

EuropeCrazy's World of Slimming: Week 1 weigh-in

Weight loss: 3lbs
BMI reduction: 0.5

What a week that was.  My first week on Slimming World turned out to be a fascinating journey of discovery into a new world of free foods, healthy extras and syns.  And by the time I stepped on the scales this morning, I discovered that I had lost 3lbs in my first week!  That may not sound much when you hear about people losing 7lbs in a week, but it's a gigantic achievement for me and I'm delighted with it.  I've also had a lot of unrelated pain and fatigue this past week which has prevented me from doing much walking or exercise (and three days of extremely hot weather didn't help), so to lose all that weight by following the plan on its own makes it even more of a successful result.

It has been very easy to follow the plan as many of the foods which I already eat are termed 'free' foods, and the 'syn' values mean that I've pretty much wiped out my crisps addiction too.

Being very realistic I know that I'm probably not going to achieve that kind of loss every week, but I will be very happy with every pound I lose.  

Now I'm off to the kitchen to make a batch of some home-made soups for this week's lunches....

EuropeCrazy's World of Slimming!

So I haven't quite mastered total internet detox, and there hasn't been enough hours in the day to get those outstanding blog posts done. I have also hurt my back in a freak injury over the past week so mobility's a challenge and exercise is out :(

I do have some news though: I've only gone and joined Slimming World. Drastic measures are called for, and I've seen a lot of people doing very well on it, so on the spur of the moment I decided to sign up for the online version of this very popular weight-loss plan.  Going to a class will never be my thing, especially when it comes to weight loss, so I'm sticking to online tracking.

I'm doing this initially for 3 months although if it's successful I may just continue for a further 3 months in the lead-up to Christmas.  It's quite a different concept, all those "free foods", many of which are my favourites anyway.  And as for the "syns"....well this could finally help me to kick my crisp addiction for good.

Today I went supermarket shopping for fresh foods and other staples which will form the basis of some cooked-from-scratch treats.  They may all have been "free foods" on SW but definitely not free when it came to the till (lol!) Slimming is a costly business isn't it!  Perhaps all those who persistently moan about this country's OBESITY TIMEBOMB! should be lobbying for a reduction in the price of healthy food.  Especially fruit.  The price of fruit - particularly my favourite strawberries, raspberries and blackberries - is outrageous.

Anyway after spending hours last night familiarising myself with the whole Slimming World concept, I'm still amazed that people can still eat all that stuff and lose weight.  Will I be one of those people?  Can a menopausal woman with a shoddy metabolism succeed on this plan?  Well, I will just need to stick to the plan and get on with it!  More to follow....

The season of good intentions

There's a kind of "end of term" feeling for me at the moment.  Eurovision season is (officially) over for another year - although the analysis and the post mortems will carry on for a little while yet.
I'm still in that post-holiday mood which I'm trying very hard to keep going.  My plan for the remainder of this month is to publish all my outstanding blog posts about a) Eurovision and b) Brussels.

From tomorrow, my latest in a very long line of fitness campaigns begins, After tonight there will be no more binge eating or overdoing it.  It's about weight loss and fitness from now on, and it's also about putting a bit more structure back into my life, getting back into a decent sleep routine, and generally sorting out a lot of things which have drifted and/or been neglected over recent months. I need to start looking after myself again and I'm not going to do that sitting at a computer for hours on end, so that's why I need some time away from the internet, and that's what I'm going to do for June at least, and maybe some of July too.  I did an internet detox a couple of years ago and it was very constructive.

The storm after the calm

I have had enough of certain situations which have basically f***** my life up.

No more will they wreck my happiness.
No more will they rewrite history and forget everything good that I have ever done.
No more will they undermine or destroy me.
No more will they make me feel inadequate or stop me from believing in my own worth.

No more of it.

As I said over on Twitter a few hours ago, I'm particularly angry with myself because I have allowed all this crap to sidetrack me from the things which always make me happy at this time of year: my holiday preparations and the lead-up to Eurovision week.  I have focused my attentions on all the negative aspects of my life at the expense of the people and things I love.

As they say in the movies, "enough already!".

But words can't describe just how bloody angry I am.  And not with myself.  Yet anger is not my default emotion: people always describe me as "nice" as if I am not allowed to have any other aspect of my personality on show.  But right now I'm angry.  And that anger will only subside if there is acceptance of who I am and what I do.  But that seems to be a long way off :(

Thoughts on friendship

Throughout my childhood and adult life I have always found it difficult to make friends, for the sole reason that I have always been introverted, quiet and shy, and that seems to be a problem for some people to deal with.   Yet I have been lucky enough to enjoy an enduring friendship with three other wonderful women, which has lasted over 20 years and continues to this day.  We initially met as work colleagues and formed our own little group in response to being left out of the 'cliques' which often seem to characterise workplace friendships.

My friends, who are a bit older than I am, are all retired now but we all continue to meet up for lunch or coffee. The other week, when we were fortunate enough to experience that rare thing called 'good weather', we all met up on my day off and enjoyed a very special lunch out in 'the country'.  I had such a happy time that day, being with "the girls".  They accept me for who I am, and have been there for me in good and bad times.   That is the nature of true friendship. 

This week I had to come to terms with the end of another long-lasting friendship, a casualty of the fall-out from my 'breakdown' (for want of a better word).  The past few months have been an extremely hurtful time, of mistakes, misunderstandings, misconceptions and mistrust.  I'm no longer relentlessly cheerful, and I'm no longer going to smile just because people expect me to.  But I am trying to move on, and being the typical Libran I am trying to make peace with those whom I may have hurt.  But what they don't realise is that I am hurting too.

EDIT: just when everything seemed dark and impossible to overcome, things started to change.  I went on holiday and came back free of the darkness which had overwhelmed me over recent months. And that friendship is back on, so all is well :)

Fitness plan 2015: week 8 round-up

Been a bad girl this week.  Did some walking though, but the combination of a sinus infection and some emotional stuff meant that a) I wasn't really well enough to exercise and b) the return of comfort eating, despite my vow that I wasn't going to do that any more.

Oh well :(

Last week I had to go and buy some bigger sized clothes for my forthcoming holiday.  I stood in the middle of one of the shops and thought, why am I doing this?  I have wardrobes full of lovely clothes, many of them nicer than some of the hideous garish patterned junk passing itself off as spring fashion, but the problem is that I have outgrown them.  So there was some motivation, but then real life got in the way again and old, bad habits returned.

It's funny when you read all these newspaper/magazine articles, these motivational stories about people losing large amounts of weight, that when you see the 'before' and 'after' picture, the 'before' picture is inevitably a holiday photo,  If there is one consolation for my spring diet failure it is that I am going on a city break rather than a resort holiday, so don't have to worry about how I look in sun dresses or shorts.  But if all goes well, we're hoping to get away for our main summer holiday in September, so I'll have just under 4 months to sort it out.  AGAIN.

There are still some negative aspects outwith my control, which continue to mess with my mind and get in the way of my good intentions, so I guess my main objective in the coming months will be to try and put all that aside and concentrate on improving my own health and wellbeing.  But Brussels beckons, with its beer and chips and waffles and numerous eating out opportunities, so all that healthy stuff will have to wait!

Fitness plan 2015: week 7 round-up

Last week's brilliant result spurred me on.  I did all the right things, ate all the right things and exercised till my legs could take no more.

But...no weight loss this week.  Stayed the same.  To be honest I was extremely pissed off about that, after all the sacrifices and time spent exercising this week.

Anyway I've decided to take a week away from the scales next Friday although I'm still going to stick to the plan.  Next week's very likely to be quite a stressful week and I don't need to give myself a hard time to add to that.  So there will be a report next week, but no weigh-in for a fortnight.

Fitness plan 2015: week 6 round-up

I wouldn't usually do this till Sunday, but I was so happy with this week's result that I wanted to share it tonight :)

I've been very good this week, lots of home-made soup, fruit salads, lots of water and ridiculous amounts of exercise = 4lbs weight loss.  In one week!  That's not usually the kind of thing which happens to me, as even when I was doing a structured 'diet' I struggled to lose any more than 2lbs a week.  I know this isn't going to be a regular occurrence, but I'm just going to toast my success tonight with a (non-diet) glass of wine :))

Fitness plan 2015: week 5 round-up

After the binge-eating disaster of the previous two weeks (and the reappearance of "the chins"), there was worse to come. At the beginning of this plan I decided not to weigh myself, however curiosity got the better of me and I was faced with the shock news that I had gained five pounds.  After coming to terms with this, it was enough to motivate me back into my healthy eating and exercise routine, and back in the dieting mindset again - water, home made soup and fruit have been my best friends this week!  I've been a very good girl. *polishes halo*

One change is that I've reluctantly decided to bring back my Friday weigh-ins which I used to do on WeightWatchers. So I nervously stepped on the scales yesterday to discover that I'd lost 2lbs this week.  I'm extremely happy with this result as I hadn't done any aerobics this week and only focused on walking and the exercise bike (needed to get the leg fitness back) so in the coming week I'm back to doing my aerobics again in addition to everything else, and hoping to lose another 2lbs.

Fitness plan 2015: week 4 round-up

As predicted last week it was inevitable that I wouldn't have a very successful week - but not only that, I've only gone and spectacularly undone all my good work of the first 2 weeks (and mediocre attempts of the 3rd week).

So it's back to square one yet again from tomorrow, only this time I'm going to add some seriously healthy eating into the equation from now on.  I'm banking on the (previously successful) golden trilogy of home-made soup for lunch, after-work aerobics, and gallons of water to help me back on the path to fitness.

Not going to beat myself up over it - let's draw a line under the past week and move right on...!

Fitness plan 2015: week 3 round-up

...oh don't even ask :(

I will hold my hands up and admit that I just couldn't be bothered this past week.  No other reasons.  I will try my best over the next few days, although the temptations of Easter and that long holiday weekend are approaching, therefore I'm expecting progress to be very limited in the coming week!

Fitness plan 2015: Week 2 round-up

Two weeks into my fitness regime and it's going very well indeed.  I am even beginning to lose inches, and clothes which haven't fitted me in ages are now beginning to fit.

My general fitness is gradually improving.  As with last week, I had some intensive aerobic and toning work at the beginning of the week, but I avoided last week's leg exercises which left me unable to walk for a couple of days!

All is not so good on the healthy eating front though....oh well there's always next week I suppose :)

My mood is slowly improving, although there are still some puzzling aspects of life which continue to confuse me and make me sad.  But I have decided to stop focusing on bad situations which are only pulling me down.

So it's onwards into week 3 of my fitness plan.  This week I'm going to build on what I've achieved so far.  I bought a new pair of running shoes yesterday ....

....but no, I won't be taking up running (!) however as I do a lot of walking, then I hope these are going to help my little feet happy while I'm out there pounding the pavements.

I'll be back next Sunday with another update.

Eclipsed

(above picture courtesy of the European Space Agency)

You would have to reside on Mars not to have known that this morning, there was a total or partial solar eclipse going on, depending on which part of Northern Europe you were either (a) residing in or (b) spent wads of cash to go on holiday to sleep in a tent in the snow.  Svalbard and the Faroe Islands were seemingly the place to be; however there was to be disappointment in some parts of the UK due to cloudy skies.  

Up here in Scotland meantime, the skies darkened in more of a dusky rather than a 'totality' kind of way, despite Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart" apparently trending on Twitter - she hasn't had this much attention since her Eurovision appearance! - and the whole experience turned out to be a bit of a damp squib, mainly due to the unavailability of those all-important glasses.  Despite a few enthusiastic colleagues trying to jolly us all into going outside for the big event, I decided to give it a miss this time round.  Getting in touch with my 'health and safety' side (a rarity!!) I didn't think it was worth the risk to look up at the sky!

Of course it was probably the missed opportunity of missed opportunities, as there won't be another one for another 75 years and we'll all be long gone by then. 

Meanwhile I am quite happy to keep my memories of the last solar eclipse which took place in 1999. We had only been in our new office for a few months when the big event took place.  In those more carefree times it was also easier to get your hands on the eclipse glasses, as magazines and newspapers were giving them away more readily in those days.  So I was well equipped for the eclipse on that August morning, and it didn't disappoint.  There are very few people left in my office who were there on that fateful day, and even less who remember it.  But I do, and that memory will be sufficient for me.